He wrote a note to nail to God's front door

It's not that I don't enjoy writing, really it isn't...it's just that by the time I get to a place where writing is feasible during my day, I'm just too tired and too lazy to pick a pen (or sit at the computer) to record my thoughts to share with whoever may be interested enough to read them. I only sit here now because it's Sunday and that means football. And since the Chiefs game is nearly over, it's a good time to take a few minutes and share that I am indeed, alive and well.

I got that job that I talked about in my last post. Started about 4 weeks ago and though it is way below my skill level and possibly one of the more boring jobs I've ever had, it provides me with the money I need to claw my way out of debt. It's looking good that, aside from my school loans, I'll be debt free by the end of January. It's just good that I am in a place that allows me to live relatively free of expenses. So there's that.

Life is decent aside from work. I cook a lot, clean here and there, but mostly just take it easy. I've been thinking of trying to find something to do a few evenings a week. Maybe a cooking class or one of those book clubs. I'd like to have a pool I could swim laps in, but I don't know my area of town well enough yet to have found one. Life's just pretty laid back for the moment. I'm looking forward to the holiday season and getting to decorate and maybe see some snow. It'll be interesting getting together with people for holiday meals with my family and/or Berto's family, but...things just happen how they happen. It'll be good anyway.

It's weird being an adult right now. Not being at school still hasn't really hit me, but maybe in a few more months it will. I don't know about taking classes in the spring, but if things work out, I'll probably start taking the classes I have left to take over next summer and into the fall. That's a little far off to plan out for now though. I'm learning that life can't really be planned out for more than a week at a time. That's okay for now. Things will change when they need too.

Hmm. I guess I really have nothing right now. No more than what I just shared anyway. Just working and living life and that's about it. The weather has been gorgeous the last few days, but I won't mind when it gets cold again. Back to football for now. :)

"Make the most of yourself...

...for that is all there is of you." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

I wanna make the most of myself. Opportunities don't make themselves. I still wanna finish school and learn to teach (odd thing to learn, huh?) and do stuff that matters. Like, travel and help people and then one day set up a fund to help other people learn to teach and help others. It's a very complex, yet simple desire. Hmm. We shall reserve plans for this for another day...one when I have more time to think about it.

But for today...I will share about my employment endeavors. This morning I had an appointment for an interview. This is how things went down:

• Stayed up too late last night, so I woke up tired and struggled to get out of bed and get ready in a timely fashion.
• I hopped in the car on time, but since it was raining and still the tail end of rush hour traffic, I was worried on my drive that I would get there late and set a bad impression.
• Alas, I got there with 9 minutes to spare, signed in and filled out a short application form before meeting with a recruiter (this is a staffing agency we're talking about here)
• Talked over my past employment with the recruiter and basically reiterated our phone conversation from yesterday, with him taking notes.
• Took a short series of typing skills tests to make sure I was in an adequate position to fill their needs.
• To my surprise, I was then given directions to the actual company needing to fill positions so I could talk to the site manager about specifics of the job.
• So I drive all the way back to Lee's Summit (from Downtown) and meet the guy there. He asked a few questions, filled in some more details about the job, then gave me paperwork to fill out.
• Turns out, I've now filled out all the requisite tax forms and other such things like I actually had the job. The manager took some more info and set up an appointment for me to go take a drug test.
• I drive over to the medical office, fill out more paperwork, wait for a while, then pee in a cup. At least the nurse was very nice and I did not feel as undignified as I remember from the last time I peed in a cup.
• I pass the test (there were no doubts) and the nurse e-mails the recruiter to let him know.
• Now I wait? There was mention of processing papers, then a call about a start date.

So...now I wait. I feel like it all went well, and I don't see a lot of places fronting the cash for a drug test or the time for you to fill out paperwork if they aren't going to give you the position.

It's just a contract job, 90 days, entry pay. But those things are completely acceptable given my previous failure at securing a job. And the plus to getting this gig is that if I do well and wish to continue working at a similar job, I can get turned over into a position that is permanent.

It's not ideal, or even what I want, but it's a place to start. So if I can get back up on my feet starting here, then here is where I will start.

Songs to consider:

Goin' Down (Three Days Grace)

I'll get lost if you want me to

Life's been a little rough lately. Not really physically challenging, but emotionally so. It's not difficult to list out the reasons why and how all of them could be potentially preventable, but that just seems like filing a list of complaints with a company that doesn't care. You find yourself wondering what the point really is. So I will not once again find myself merely listing off things I don't like, because, to be honest, anyone can list out at least a hundred things they don't like. Instead, I shall find myself (once again) pondering what it is I can do to make those dislikes either go away, or at the very least, make themselves cower into a corner so there is room for the things I do like.

It's almost October and even though I enjoy the fall, the chill in the air makes me weary. I look forward to the leaves changing and wearing jackets and hats again, but those seem like small positives to an otherwise dreary outlook on the season. So the potential good in this upcoming season could be my job prospect that I was handed today. It's not for sure yet, but I have an interview in the morning that holds a promising contract job through the end of the year. And seeing as cash flow is all important these days, I will take what is given to me and graciously say thank you. I will gruel through office labor 40+ hours a week if it gives me the satisfaction that I am not sitting and wasting away elsewhere. Here's hoping that the next time I muster the energy to post, it will be as a gainfully employed citizen.

In other news, nothing has happened. I mean this to say...nothing has changed. My living arrangements are quickly coming to a shaky halt. I don't know if I'll be staying where I am or trying to find a place of my own or risking moving back in with my mother, but none of those are concrete or really what I would like, so I'm really trying to push off the inevitable until I can no longer ignore what needs to be done. Maybe the next time I post, this issue will also be resolved. I find that I rely on the kindness of others far too much, and maybe that means I really do just need to cut off all charity and suffer through poverty and potential misery for a while until things start looking up. It's upsetting to think about it that way, but I'm thinking this is just going to be the painful part of my growth as an adult in the coming months.

I do look forward to a lot of things from day to day. There are people that can brighten my mood just by walking through the door and thankfully I see them often enough to push off any bad moods that crop up here and there. This may change soon, but I am trying to look at the change in a positive manner. Maybe if I have to rely on myself for happiness and contentment, my independence will push me through.

In all, I really don't know how things are going to go. I may get a job, I may not. I may move, I may not. But it all leads to me growing up, and as much as I don't want to do that the way I'm being forced to, it'll all end well for me I'm sure. Time will tell.

Lost In You (Three Days Grace)

I Don't Care (Apocalyptica feat. Adam Gontier)

Break (Breaking Benjamin)

Perfect eyes will have perfect aim

I've been thinking lately about jealousy. It's an emotion that crops up a lot for seemingly no reason and no matter how much I try to make myself see how irrational it is to be jealous of anyone/thing, I still can't help but feel it come back strong every once in a great while. I didn't feel it too strongly tonight, but I did have a bit of a chance to think over it and really, I still can't understand what there is to be jealous of. And to be honest, I wish it were an emotion I were a little less familiar with.

Lets look at my pathetic attempt at a hypothetical situation. Say you like someone. Let's call them J. J, thankfully, likes you too. This is great and you start a relationship. But before you do, J mentions a friend, K, that likes J, but J does not reciprocate those feelings. I think we've all been here a least once in our lives, or if you are like me, many more times than you would like to admit. Anyway, J tells you that K likes them and that they do not like K, but when you start a relationship with J, they must tell K that they are with you now and thereby let K down/potentially anger them. See, K says J was leading them on. But soon K seems to move on and now you and J are happily together. Only thing is, J and K are still good friends and occasionally you must hang out with J and K together and you get the distinct feeling that K does not really like you. But that's okay, because you don't particularly like K either...mostly because you know that K has/had feelings for J and you feel that J is yours and yours alone and that K should have no right to feelings for J. Confused yet?

Anyway, a while goes by and you and J sort of half break up. We'll call it a break from holding a relationship title for simplicity's sake. So now you and J are "friends" and you still hang out most of the time, but now K thinks J is back on the market and maybe K is still holding out hope that J will finally reciprocate K's feelings. You know for a fact that J is still mentally, if not officially, committed to you and you alone and they have no interest in K whatsoever. But J now hangs out with K more often due to the break in your relationship and you are jealous of the time you have to give up for K to spend time with J.

Okay. It's really stupid and I know I'm being dumb for feeling jealous. But that is something I'm finding I cannot help. About the best I can do is not mention to "J" that I am jealous of the time "K" gets to spend with them. But I still feel it. I still think about it. And it definitely still bothers me. I don't wish for this to be the case, but I fear that there really is nothing I can do. Dead ended in emotion once more. About my only comfort in the whole J-K fiasco is that I know J will come home to me even if we aren't together and K will be going home alone and that's just how it will be until K finds someone else to have affections for.

I'm just crazy, I know. It does not help that it's late either. Heh. But alas, I am done.

Anyway...concerts (Blink-182 and Bowling For Soup) were both awesome and I am happy with my weekend overall (even if I have two days left of it). Sleep now, more later. Hopefully no more confusing hypothetical stories either. Sweet dreams.

Songs to consider:

The No Seatbelt Song (Brand New)

Liar (Taking Back Sunday)

Always (Blink-182)

I hate...actors who seem genuine

Back from the abyss that is laziness. It sucks being so terribly lazy (in writing terms) that the most I can say I've accomplished is a series of letters to someone who will never read them. I've wholeheartedly neglected my journal, my blog, my book and my other writing endeavors (like all those short stories and poems I love writing so much). It really is a sad fact to know that I could have written volumes worth of practically anything in the last few months and all I've managed really, is a reading maybe a half dozen or so books, and writing probably 20 pages or less worth of any sort of more than crap material.

I could say that time has gotten away from me. Which, to be honest, works for about half the summer. I love to sleep and I take care of the puppies and depending on the day, I really throw myself into cleaning. Add those things to (Hey! It's 11:11!) the fact that anytime after 5:30 is a total preoccupation with dinner and hanging out and tv, then really, I've only really wasted a good months worth of writing. It's still a shame though. I'd slap myself on the wrist if I thought it would do any good. It won't, but one could hope.

In other news, I'm STILL unemployed. Still waiting for a couple of places to get back to me, but if I hear nothing by Friday, I'll start looking again. It's a sad day when I can't even get a job as a cashier. Oh, well. Aside from the lack of money thing and the being lazy (in writing) thing, stuff coming up includes getting my new phone (a BlackBerry Curve that I ordered just last night!), seeing Blink, TBS and Weezer in concert this Friday (!) and a few other things, like the doc on the 16th, VBall Tuesdays with the Aaron and the Heather and possibly a visit to Santa-Cali-Gon this weekend with my childhood friend Mike and his wife Susan. Plus! Say Anything is gonna be in KC on Oct. 21st and Berto already bought tickets for us to go. Add that to the fact that their new album comes out 8 days before and the latter part of October should be pretty spectacular.

I really wish I had a more normal life. I have plenty of routine and lots of fun things to look forward to, but a job and money and stability would really be nice. For now, I guess I'm still okay, but really, things must change soon. I need it. Bad.

All that aside, life is going pretty well. I wrote a new poem today and to be honest, it felt pretty good. Hopefully my next post will be full of bigger and better things than this one. Until then...

Songs to Consider:

I Hate Everyone (Say Anything)

Crawled out from the pain of yesterday

Really not in a good place right now in life. Sort of homeless, definitely jobless, and with both of those, still in debt. Not liking the outlook, but as I found out in a rather harsh manner, things can change very quickly and unexpectedly. The silver lining on life right now though, is that I at least have a job interview on Friday with QuikTrip and another potential job lined up at Commerce Bank downtown. That and I have good friends that are willing to put me up and take care of me for the time being, at least until I can get on my feet again. Looks like I might be staying with my mom though, for conveniences sake. But who knows? Maybe very quickly, life will go back to how I liked it and had it before. Just some normalcy would be nice. I hate roller coasters when they are made of emotions and decisions out of my control.

On another note, I've been thinking about "that spark" for the last few hours. You know, the one you feel at the beginning of a relationship. It's newness has you infatuated with everything about a person. You want to be with them and talk to them and hold them all the time and every hour feels like a million when you can't be together. I felt that, but not for too long. I mean, it's not like it went away completely, but it transformed into something else. Something...normal. Like, I was okay being away for 12 hours at a time, or the weekend. And I was okay not cuddling all the time or eating every meal together or getting along perfectly. I was okay with all of that; with not feeling that spark anymore, that newness. And I don't know if that's just how I felt or if that spark is supposed to stay there for a long time. I really can't figure it out. I just thought you felt it and then eventually, you didn't. But as long as there was still love and desire and all of that present, even in more subtle forms, things would work out.

Maybe I'm wrong, but I don't even know that. It's hard to feel lonely too. Like a part of me was left behind. And not just a small part, but a really big, important piece of life. Just left somewhere, alone, and waiting for me to find it again. It sucks. I don't know if that's how it feels to everyone, or if it's just me, but there you go. My spark made a flame, slow, but steady and bright. Trying to keep it lit just now.

Songs to consider:

Do You Like It (Our Lady Peace)

Alive...

With the glory of love?

Well, alive...but my life isn't quite like a song about The Holocaust.

Been a while (okay...almost 3 months, but still) so here I am...making you (all what, 2 of you?) aware that I am in fact, still around. And surprisingly, nothing much has changed from that last update til now. I still live in the same place, still lack employment, still have no future plans as we speak. All that aside, life is still pretty fantastic. Berto and I get into little tiffs sometimes, but they are usually silly and minor and combine that with my inability to stay irritated or remain in a difficult mood, and you've really only got a few minutes of bad juju.

Let me see. Hmm... I think about the only real exciting thing to note is that I'm still dating Berto. (I'm sure you got that from the previous mention, but repeating fun things is my way of bragging). We're about 10 days away from the 5 month mark and that makes me real happy. It was a strange transition into co-habitating on a permanent basis with the bf, but all of that has since settled.

Being unemployed like I am, I spend my days around the house being domestic. It's an odd occupation for someone such as myself, but I find that I actually enjoy the odd cleaning day here and there. Plus, I like taking care of people, so making sure the clothes are all cleaned and the dogs are taken care of and the house is in working order gives me a sense of accomplishment. That all being said, I still have plenty of time to sleep, read and generally lie about if that's what I feel like doing.

The first time I spent more than an afternoon away from home (which is what I consider my residence now) was this past weekend. A two and a half month stretch without so much as a night away. I don't think that's happened in a LONG time. I get too restless. Anyway, I passengered up to Michigan with the bff Stacy to collect the other bff Jacob from his summer internship. Needless to say, 25 hours in a car was tiring. Still though, nice to see friends for a change.

Mostly the summer parts minus being domestic have consisted of hanging with the bf and watching TV/movies, going out of the weekends to see movies, go to the bar or just generally have a good time with friends and going to my mom's house every Sunday for dinner. I find she complains a LOT less now that she can see my weekly. It's good for her.

In other news, August is looking to be pretty normal. No doctor's visits, no concerts, no travels that I'm aware of. I got two teeth pulled a couple of weeks ago (which wasn't pleasant) and next month, we're going to see Blink-182 (!) and TBS which I am very much excited about. I'm still trying to persuade the bf to get tickets to go see the Red Sox play too. I don't think it'll be too difficult; I just have to sit him down to purchase the tickets here soon. :)

Oh yeah, also...the month of July was crap. Well, it was generally okay, but I was sick for at least half of it. I think I had the flu for a while but that was preceded by at least two weeks of nausea (no, I am not with child) which would only mysteriously appear at about 3 pm every day. Then I had terrible headaches almost daily around midnight, which let me tell ya, isn't easy on anyone trying to get some sleep. But I've felt generally okay for the last couple of weeks, so I really don't have any complaints to voice at the moment.

For now, my days look like they will continue to be scheduled out peacefully. Up at 6:15 to make the bf's lunch, back to sleep (sometimes), let the dogs out at 11, lunch, laundry on Tuesdays and Fridays, general household chores in the afternoons and gettin' me some affection from 5:30 onward. That is, after food is consumed. People (including myself) get REALLY cranky in this house if they are not fed. It really is a tragedy.

At any rate, that's really about all I've got. Don't know if that was of any interest to anyone, but I'm really not here to please you. Take it or leave it.

Done!

Songs to consider:

Therapy (All Time Low)

Paper Moon (Our Lady Peace)