So yesterday, I went to church. It wasn't out of some feeling of obligation or sense that I needed any spiritual direction, it was mostly just the feeling that I wanted to see who was still there. This church is the church I've gone to since I was six years old, bar the last five or so years. I was surprised to see some of the older people (who I thought were pretty damn old when I was a kid) still there, alive and kicking. It was interesting having the looks of recognition dawn on people's faces as they looked at me. Shock for some, but mostly, everyone that knew me was happy I was there. That made me feel pretty good about going.
Now, I don't really do the church thing anymore. I did try for quite some time while I lived in Rolla, even going to several different churches for long stretches of time in an attempt to keep up with my faith. All I ended up doing though, was making myself feel guilty. I go to church to feel a connection to some unknown thing that somehow is supposed to make me feel as if life is worthwhile. But...I don't need something other to feel that way. So, really, all I got out of my participation was the feeling that I wasn't doing enough, that something more was always required of me. That just got to be too disheartening and eventually I realized that I was happiest just having confidence in my own personal convictions rather than relying on a system of other influences to keep me put together.
So anyway, I was sitting in church trying to listen to the sermon, but for some reason, this sort of blank buzzing noise would fill my ears and brain and I'd just start thinking of something else. I don't know if it was just a lack of interest in what was being said or that this has just been a habit of mine since childhood. I remember not having to sit through the sermon when I was younger and even when I did have to, I was always provided with some sort of entertainment to keep me preoccupied and therefore quiet. I'm beginning to think that if I was sat there and made to pay attention to what was being said, it would be a hell of lot easier paying attention now.
Don't get me wrong though, the sermon wasn't totally lost on me. When I did realize I was drifting off, I'd pull myself back to focus and listen for a few more minutes before that inevitable buzzing reappeared. The title of the sermon was, "Service is The Reward." It didn't make a whole lot of sense to me until toward the end though. I know it was based out of Luke and that the pastor said it felt to her more like something that would come out of the old testament rather than the new, but it didn't much interest me until the end. She started talking about this guy that is 101 years old. I thought that was pretty old, so I pulled myself back in for a listen. She said that when the man was a boy, he loved to play baseball. As he got older, he knew he wasn't any good at it and that when he was put in the game his teammates grumbled, but that it didn't deter him from his desire to play. When he was young man, a new team was starting up in Boston (or rather, a newer version of a team already around). He wanted very much to be a part of the team, but knew that playing was simply out of the question. He approached them with his request to help out in any way possible and they told him that he could be the bat boy. But it was strictly for their practices only and not during any real game. Glad for any part, he happily accepted the role. He served in this capacity for a few years, eventually moving on to go to law school and to have a family, occasionally returning to serve as the bat boy when time allowed. He never got any sort of compensation for this, but his love of the game made him grateful for his role. When he turn 100 years old, the team, now known at the Boston Red Sox, honored him as the longest serving bat boy in professional baseball history. They took him out on the field before a game and the whole stadium cheered for him. He said it was his dream that one day a crowd would greet him that way. Later, his daughter said that she had never seen him more proud of anything in his entire life (40 years of practicing law included).
So, in this way, I completely understood what the pastor was trying to say about the act of service being the reward in itself. Sometimes, it's the honor of doing something you love, without credit or reward, that makes the endeavor worthwhile. Now I know she was associating this with serving God and the church and others, but for a relatively non-religious person such as myself, it still had a fairly well thought-out message. I was impressed to say the least. So now I walk away from this experience thinking that though I do not have my heart in the church, sometimes listening to what the church has to say to you isn't in itself a bad idea. I find that a lot of practical applications arise from contexts that are intended to be religious in nature. In short, good lesson, complicated medium.
I know that I'll be going back to church now. It's not really for the feeling of needing it, but the feeling of wanting to understand the practical applications of religious lessons to a fairly non-religious life. Plus, I do enjoy seeing all the people that reminded me of parents and grandparents when I was a child. I might be all grown up now, but it's hard to feel that way when someone who has known you since you were a child still believes that you are, at least in the sense that you are so much younger than they. I felt pretty good about actually taking the time to go now, even if sleeping seemed like a much better idea at the time.
I think it's time to go back to watching The X-Files and taking a nap before it's time for dinner. I'm into the 5th season now and I mostly just like seeing what I forgot from the first time I watched the series all the way through.
Songs to consider:
Open Your Eyes (Snow Patrol)
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