Have you ever just felt...blank? Like a void? The complete and utter lack of feeling. I find myself feeling just that. Nothing. And all at once, nothing is a very intense thing to feel. It's almost like sickness. You feel your head go numb and the bile reaches up into you throat, like a monster gnawing its way out of you. Overwhelming.
And what do you do to feel something again? What something would you choose to feel? Is terror better than a void? Sadness? Anger? Madness?
Can any of those fill the void like happiness or calm or delight? When your heart pounds so fast and hard that you literally feel as if you are going to explode...what's that? Pain?
To feel the sweat cover my body, and the heat to consume every breath I take...it's almost better than joy. It feels alive.
I want to feel raw. Free. Dangerous and uninhibited. Who will be there to see me fall?
Songs to consider:
All For Believing (Missy Higgins)
Hailin' on the Edge (Apparat)
The Sky Is Broken (Moby)
30 June 2008
18 June 2008
If we cut out the bad, well then we'd have nothing left...
Almost feels like a....
So, anyway...life is...completely and utterly ordinary. About the only thing that could be different is having less of a hideous sunburn to deal with. Other than that, work goes, MACURH goes, life goes. Adult life is, I hate to say, pretty boring. No class, not many meetings, just work and sleep and cleaning and cooking. But hey, no homework, no scheduling conflicts, and I have my own bathroom. :-P
The six flags trip was fun, I was dumb and got burned on Sunday after Stacy and I went on a short (4.5 mile) bike ride, and the week has been pretty normal since then. I'm thinking about going out to find a DVD storage tower or shelf because I've now got more than 50 DVDs and something like 27 seasons of TV shows. So I don't really have the room for them anymore. I might just hold off until I move back to the Quad, but if I get bored, I'll probably end up getting one just so I have something to put together.
I cleaned some today. The kitchen, living room and my bathroom are better looking. I tidied my room and took out the trash too. I just put my iPod on and sang really loudly while cleaning. Made it a lot more entertaining for myself. I also got some groceries and toiletries while I was out and I had a lunch meeting with a new person on campus wanting to help out with MACURH. So I guess it's been a productive day even if I haven't worked out. But I don't plan on going back until my back is healed up.
Nothing more here. Until next time...
Songs to consider:
Hang On (Guster)
Cut Up Angels (The Used)
So, anyway...life is...completely and utterly ordinary. About the only thing that could be different is having less of a hideous sunburn to deal with. Other than that, work goes, MACURH goes, life goes. Adult life is, I hate to say, pretty boring. No class, not many meetings, just work and sleep and cleaning and cooking. But hey, no homework, no scheduling conflicts, and I have my own bathroom. :-P
The six flags trip was fun, I was dumb and got burned on Sunday after Stacy and I went on a short (4.5 mile) bike ride, and the week has been pretty normal since then. I'm thinking about going out to find a DVD storage tower or shelf because I've now got more than 50 DVDs and something like 27 seasons of TV shows. So I don't really have the room for them anymore. I might just hold off until I move back to the Quad, but if I get bored, I'll probably end up getting one just so I have something to put together.
I cleaned some today. The kitchen, living room and my bathroom are better looking. I tidied my room and took out the trash too. I just put my iPod on and sang really loudly while cleaning. Made it a lot more entertaining for myself. I also got some groceries and toiletries while I was out and I had a lunch meeting with a new person on campus wanting to help out with MACURH. So I guess it's been a productive day even if I haven't worked out. But I don't plan on going back until my back is healed up.
Nothing more here. Until next time...
Songs to consider:
Hang On (Guster)
Cut Up Angels (The Used)
09 June 2008
How's it going to be?
Like whoa! So I started work last Wednesday. It's been pretty awesome so far. That first day on my feet hurt a lot, but it got better after a few days. Working at a gas station opens your eyes to a whole lot. You've GOT to be a people person or you'll just fail completely and miserably. You're also surrounded by a whole lot of vices working behind the counter. You've got four walls or cigarettes. A rack of chewing tobacco, A shelf full of hard liquor and a whole lot of lotto tickets. It's safe to say you feel tempted from time to time.
Aside from working, life has been pretty laid back. Stacy and I drove up to see Jacob on Saturday. It was his birthday Sunday and we wanted to treat him to a day out with his bestest friends. So we took him to the mall and bought him two new shirts from his favorite store, The Buckle. We also ate at Lion's Choice and met his new little nephew who was born on the 5th. His name is Noah James Bond. How cute is that?
I also finally bought the entire series of The X Files on DVD!!! I'm super excited. I've been watching it a lot lately. I'm trying to get through it before the new movie comes out of July 25th. We'll see if I manage.
I've got nothing else really. I'll be working a few more days this week then going to Six Flags on Saturday. I hope it'll be nice out. Back to my TV show now. :)
Songs to consider:
Every Day Is The Same (Nine Inch Nails)
Nine In The Afternoon (Panic at the Disco)
Aside from working, life has been pretty laid back. Stacy and I drove up to see Jacob on Saturday. It was his birthday Sunday and we wanted to treat him to a day out with his bestest friends. So we took him to the mall and bought him two new shirts from his favorite store, The Buckle. We also ate at Lion's Choice and met his new little nephew who was born on the 5th. His name is Noah James Bond. How cute is that?
I also finally bought the entire series of The X Files on DVD!!! I'm super excited. I've been watching it a lot lately. I'm trying to get through it before the new movie comes out of July 25th. We'll see if I manage.
I've got nothing else really. I'll be working a few more days this week then going to Six Flags on Saturday. I hope it'll be nice out. Back to my TV show now. :)
Songs to consider:
Every Day Is The Same (Nine Inch Nails)
Nine In The Afternoon (Panic at the Disco)
01 June 2008
If I hurt you, then I hate myself...
...I don't want to hate myself, don't want to hurt you.
Lately I've been allowing myself to be dragged down into a mentality that focuses me on the little things more so than anything with greater significance. I mean, I've been spending the last few days in Tennessee around my family and since there are little kids, I am acting more so like one than usual. Not in the maturity sense. Just in that, I want to nap after every meal and I want to sleep at like, nine pm and that's just not me. I think I'll be better and a little more normal when I get back to Rolla tomorrow.
Speaking of Rolla, I'm very much looking forward to getting back there. I know that seems strange, but I get to live in an apartment for the summer. I get my own room with a futon and a full sized kitchen and all of that just makes me happy. Seems dumb, but whatever. I like being excited about the little things. Like now, I've been in an X Files kick. I'm nearly halfway through season 2 and when I'm not watching it, I find myself sitting and thinking about the stories and the characters. It's more addicting than reading a book sometimes.
On another note, I think (but definitely hope it to be untrue) that I'm getting yet ANOTHER ear infection. I seriously need to consider getting tubes put in. I mean, I had all of one chronic ear infection in my entire childhood and have had at least 4 major ones since starting college. That's not really a record I'm ever going to be proud of. We'll see how it works out. I had a false alarm a few weeks ago (water in the ear), so maybe this is the same case. I hear Scully and Mulder calling my name. Until next time...
Songs to consider:
Your Winter (Sister Hazel)
Lately I've been allowing myself to be dragged down into a mentality that focuses me on the little things more so than anything with greater significance. I mean, I've been spending the last few days in Tennessee around my family and since there are little kids, I am acting more so like one than usual. Not in the maturity sense. Just in that, I want to nap after every meal and I want to sleep at like, nine pm and that's just not me. I think I'll be better and a little more normal when I get back to Rolla tomorrow.
Speaking of Rolla, I'm very much looking forward to getting back there. I know that seems strange, but I get to live in an apartment for the summer. I get my own room with a futon and a full sized kitchen and all of that just makes me happy. Seems dumb, but whatever. I like being excited about the little things. Like now, I've been in an X Files kick. I'm nearly halfway through season 2 and when I'm not watching it, I find myself sitting and thinking about the stories and the characters. It's more addicting than reading a book sometimes.
On another note, I think (but definitely hope it to be untrue) that I'm getting yet ANOTHER ear infection. I seriously need to consider getting tubes put in. I mean, I had all of one chronic ear infection in my entire childhood and have had at least 4 major ones since starting college. That's not really a record I'm ever going to be proud of. We'll see how it works out. I had a false alarm a few weeks ago (water in the ear), so maybe this is the same case. I hear Scully and Mulder calling my name. Until next time...
Songs to consider:
Your Winter (Sister Hazel)
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