This time it's not all in my head. At least when he sings it I believe him. And he tells me she says I won't end up like him. I sure do hope so. No one wants to end up like their worst aspects. Not like the hidden shameful parts of your mind. It's hard to admit they even exist, and your worst fear is that you will turn into that shame and hurt and pain.
I don't want to be unhappy. I want the days where the fighting is all in good fun and the memories aren't of tears and regret, but of smiles and warmth and laughter. Today I saw someone content. He was sleeping and I just couldn't help watch him. I know that's a little odd, but when you can tell by the look of ease on someone's face when they are dreaming, you feel like there's hope for you too.
When I remember the sunny late afternoons where sleeping is common and soft sounds do nothing to disturb the dreams of your loved ones, I think there's more to life than what is right in front of you. I can't help feeling weighed down by all the things people expect from me, but I know that one day, no one will expect anything but love from me. I wish I had that now, but I do believe that I'll have it one day.
I want to wake up to someone's face. To see him looking at me like no one else looks at me. Sunshine streaming in through the window, the warmth of the covers over my body, the soft stare of a lover. It's what I'd give up a lot for. If I fell in love and had to decide between that love or a life of fabulous riches, I'd be right there...living my modest life full of love.
People call me a pessimist, but I think I hope for more than people realize. I don't parade it around like a challenge for myself, but I quietly consider in every time my life becomes still and slow. One day, I think, I'll have everything.
Songs to consider:
Alien (Thriving Ivory)
Unhappy (thriving Ivory)
27 August 2008
Don't tell me if I'm dying
Oh my goodness! So I know I fall in love with new songs, and even old songs a lot...but this one was just absolutely fantastic. I was chillin' after breakfast flipping through the channels on TV and decided to hit up VH1 to see if they were still playing music videos (my favorite part of late nights and early mornings). SOOO...I come upon a music video by Thriving Ivory called Angels On The Moon. I don't know if it's really, really new or not but...I'm completely in love with it. I think that has a lot to do with the lyrics and the sound and just the general overall feel of the song. It's like, knowing what you want without wanting it...and seeing the good even when the only thing in front of you is the bad. It pretty much encompasses my entire personality from my personal perspective. I love it, love it, love it. That's all.
Do you dream, that the world will know your name
So tell me your name
Do you care, about all the little things or anything at all?
I wanna feel, all the chemicals inside I wanna feel
I wanna sunburn, just to know that I'm alive
To know I'm alive
Don't tell me if I'm dying, cause I don't wanna know
If I can't see the sun, maybe I should go
Don't wake me cause I'm dreaming, of angels on the moon
Where everyone you know, never leaves too soon
Do you believe, in the day that you were born
Tell me do you believe?
Do you know, that everyday's the first of the rest of your life
Don't tell me if I'm dying, cause I don't wanna know
If I can't see the sun, maybe I should go
Don't wake me cause I'm dreaming, of angels on the moon
Where everyone you know, never leaves too soon
This is to one last day in the shadows
And to know a brother's love
This is to New York City angels
And the rivers of our blood
This is to all of us, to all of us
Don't tell me if I'm dying, cause I don't wanna know
If I can't see the sun, maybe I should go
Don't wake me cause I'm dreaming, of angels on the moon
Where everyone you know, never leaves too soon
You can tell me all your thoughts, about the stars that fill polluted skies
And show me where you run to, when no one's left to take your side
But don't tell me where the road ends, cause I just don't wanna know, No I don't wanna know
Don't tell me if I'm dying
Don't tell me if I'm dying
Don't tell me if I'm dying
Songs to consider:
Angels on the Moon (Thriving Ivory)
Do you dream, that the world will know your name
So tell me your name
Do you care, about all the little things or anything at all?
I wanna feel, all the chemicals inside I wanna feel
I wanna sunburn, just to know that I'm alive
To know I'm alive
Don't tell me if I'm dying, cause I don't wanna know
If I can't see the sun, maybe I should go
Don't wake me cause I'm dreaming, of angels on the moon
Where everyone you know, never leaves too soon
Do you believe, in the day that you were born
Tell me do you believe?
Do you know, that everyday's the first of the rest of your life
Don't tell me if I'm dying, cause I don't wanna know
If I can't see the sun, maybe I should go
Don't wake me cause I'm dreaming, of angels on the moon
Where everyone you know, never leaves too soon
This is to one last day in the shadows
And to know a brother's love
This is to New York City angels
And the rivers of our blood
This is to all of us, to all of us
Don't tell me if I'm dying, cause I don't wanna know
If I can't see the sun, maybe I should go
Don't wake me cause I'm dreaming, of angels on the moon
Where everyone you know, never leaves too soon
You can tell me all your thoughts, about the stars that fill polluted skies
And show me where you run to, when no one's left to take your side
But don't tell me where the road ends, cause I just don't wanna know, No I don't wanna know
Don't tell me if I'm dying
Don't tell me if I'm dying
Don't tell me if I'm dying
Songs to consider:
Angels on the Moon (Thriving Ivory)
25 August 2008
I will love you when you're blue
I drew today. Drew a picture of how I think you see me. Grey and white, lacking definition, lacking perspective. I'd blur the edges if I were you. Making sure to leave a slight trace of care without saying too much. Sloppy hair, shrugging shoulders. Only asking one thing: What am I to you?
Songs to consider:
What Am I To You? (Norah Jones)
Songs to consider:
What Am I To You? (Norah Jones)
The only one who's got enough of me
Should have been thinking about class. Teachers and bright lights and construction. Long lines, last minute meetings and signatures. Instead I sing. In my head, aloud, alone. Eight hours of work and all I know is a soft country song and a harsh, cold life. I wish to cry. To feel, to clear myself of a burden that should not be my own.
I think about picking up a guitar and plucking at it's taut strings. Should have listened when they told me not to give him my trust and love and spirit. Should have waited longer. Should have told myself no. Again. And again.
Controlling the tide is like asking the sun not to shine. Irreversible. Can't teach myself to trust. I should look at you and see what I hate to see. We could have it all. But there's another. She's close and so haunting. He loves her. He's unsure why. He's here with me. Waiting. Wishing. Hoping. Careful not to trip on his own lies. Cautious around me as if I hold the grenade.
I dream of you. Measuring the distance between reality and fantasy. Staring at the pictures on my wall. Shrugging off your penetrating glances. Serious, but unaware. Fake. Hollow. Dead.
Songs to consider:
Teardrops on my Guitar (Taylor Swift)
I think about picking up a guitar and plucking at it's taut strings. Should have listened when they told me not to give him my trust and love and spirit. Should have waited longer. Should have told myself no. Again. And again.
Controlling the tide is like asking the sun not to shine. Irreversible. Can't teach myself to trust. I should look at you and see what I hate to see. We could have it all. But there's another. She's close and so haunting. He loves her. He's unsure why. He's here with me. Waiting. Wishing. Hoping. Careful not to trip on his own lies. Cautious around me as if I hold the grenade.
I dream of you. Measuring the distance between reality and fantasy. Staring at the pictures on my wall. Shrugging off your penetrating glances. Serious, but unaware. Fake. Hollow. Dead.
Songs to consider:
Teardrops on my Guitar (Taylor Swift)
24 August 2008
Don't complicate it by hesitating
My eyes are stained. No matter how I rub and clean and scrub, there's always a tinge left. I'm beginning to think it would be easier to look hollow-eyed and pale. Who says I have to care? Maybe that's part of me now. Stained eyes, raw skin.
Every time I think back to the nights before, I remember how ridiculous it feels to be that person. You know, the one that notices the little things that shouldn't be happening. The one that doesn't say anything. The one that pretends that sleeping next to him will somehow make everything better...even if you're both thinking about the others.
I've gotta ask myself though, who is he? I certainly don't know, and I can't even be sure someone else will know either.
I ate Oreos last night. Add that to my complete lack of nutrition for the day (two eggs and half a pack of sunflower seeds) and you've really got me in no state to be rational. We talked about truth or dare. We didn't tell any truths and we certainly didn't dare, but we thought about what we would say to cover up the lies. Careful to tread lightly and not become suspicious of ourselves.
Fingers smell of pomegranate and cigarettes. Ever feel tempted by that? By the odor and the thickness and the intensity? Of course not. Who would admit to that?
I'm careful to avoid his eyes. I feel that he knows more than he lets on. And when would I ever find the courage to swallow his lies? My digital ink is...dried up. Careless and blank. Like ash.
Songs to consider:
As Lovers Go (Dashboard Confessional)
Northern Downpour (Panic At The Disco)
Every time I think back to the nights before, I remember how ridiculous it feels to be that person. You know, the one that notices the little things that shouldn't be happening. The one that doesn't say anything. The one that pretends that sleeping next to him will somehow make everything better...even if you're both thinking about the others.
I've gotta ask myself though, who is he? I certainly don't know, and I can't even be sure someone else will know either.
I ate Oreos last night. Add that to my complete lack of nutrition for the day (two eggs and half a pack of sunflower seeds) and you've really got me in no state to be rational. We talked about truth or dare. We didn't tell any truths and we certainly didn't dare, but we thought about what we would say to cover up the lies. Careful to tread lightly and not become suspicious of ourselves.
Fingers smell of pomegranate and cigarettes. Ever feel tempted by that? By the odor and the thickness and the intensity? Of course not. Who would admit to that?
I'm careful to avoid his eyes. I feel that he knows more than he lets on. And when would I ever find the courage to swallow his lies? My digital ink is...dried up. Careless and blank. Like ash.
Songs to consider:
As Lovers Go (Dashboard Confessional)
Northern Downpour (Panic At The Disco)
22 August 2008
Take this pink ribbon off my eyes!
I keep having these dreams that kinda weird me out, but I'm pretty for certain that I only have them because I have a secret desire for the events to actually happen. Most of the dreams center around me having children. And I've expressed my thoughts on motherhood previously and now I'm just thinking it's always in the back of my mind and it's finally seeping into my subconscious. It's weird how that works. But yeah...every dream is the same. I inadvertently become pregnant by a friend (already weird considering the friend) and I have a freak out moment and the only person I can think to tell is Kristi Schulte. That's probably the weirdest part for me, but oddly, the one that makes the most sense. I guess I'm better at talking through difficult situations with her. Anyway...so she gets me all calmed down and them I have to tell my friend (and in the dream we are never actually together, we just happened to get a little more involved one time) and surprisingly he doesn't freak out. He just takes it and starts being all grown up and thinking about what we have to do. So the dream continues on and we find out we're having TWINS! I mean, seriously, it's way too detailed (but I've dreamed it like five times now).
Anyway, twins...and then the dream fast forwards to us being all graduated and having babies and they are both boys and they both have names and we move in together and have this weird normal life with jobs and babies and a house. Sometimes the dreams vary a little too. One of them we told our parents together. Another one we had more kids and got married and moved to Seattle. I mean, these are seriously detailed dreams. I sure do hope they are not premonitions. Not that I would protest having children with this particular guy, I just don't think I want to have kids right now...and certainly not as the result of a non-relationship encounter.
So yeah...anyway... Mostly I just wanted to write it all down so I could maybe stop dreaming about it. Last year about this time I had a series of dreams with another friend being the main character and after I finally told him about them (one of my more embarrassing revelations) I never dreamed about him again. I really don't want to tell this other guy I keep having his babies in my dreams, but I'm sure it would be absolutely hilarious if it came to that.
I really only had that. I'm lacking a lot of material at the moment, but maybe once school finally starts back up I'll have more to share. We'll see.
Songs to consider:
Just a Girl (No Doubt)
Anyway, twins...and then the dream fast forwards to us being all graduated and having babies and they are both boys and they both have names and we move in together and have this weird normal life with jobs and babies and a house. Sometimes the dreams vary a little too. One of them we told our parents together. Another one we had more kids and got married and moved to Seattle. I mean, these are seriously detailed dreams. I sure do hope they are not premonitions. Not that I would protest having children with this particular guy, I just don't think I want to have kids right now...and certainly not as the result of a non-relationship encounter.
So yeah...anyway... Mostly I just wanted to write it all down so I could maybe stop dreaming about it. Last year about this time I had a series of dreams with another friend being the main character and after I finally told him about them (one of my more embarrassing revelations) I never dreamed about him again. I really don't want to tell this other guy I keep having his babies in my dreams, but I'm sure it would be absolutely hilarious if it came to that.
I really only had that. I'm lacking a lot of material at the moment, but maybe once school finally starts back up I'll have more to share. We'll see.
Songs to consider:
Just a Girl (No Doubt)
17 August 2008
The Wasteland
I've been reading a lot of poetry lately. Not that I'm a huge fan or anything, but I do have an appreciation for it. I myself have written a fair few lines, but nothing that I would think to share with anyone but myself. I'm always looking for a line or two that will dig at me, make me feel like I know something no one else knows. It's harder to find those lines than you might think. Just today I was reading T.S Eliot. He's not particularly profound to me, but I think he knew what he was doing. It makes me feel better sometimes when I realize that other people have had words to share and they don't make the most sense. Gives me a sense of belonging.
In other news, I've started working again. Back at my old computer lab job. It's not the most rewarding of jobs, but it gets me by. The freshmen moved in this weekend and although I'm frightened of their relatively young ages (born in 1990) and they are afraid of my pink hair, know-it-all strut and tattoos, we're so far getting along just fine. I've set up I don't know how many wireless networks. About 5 guys came in at once today and none of their computers wanted to work. I eventually got all but one of them to work and they left happier than they came (save the one).
This morning, after I showered, I fancied a caffeinated beverage. So I snuck down to the lounge where the check-in was happening and got one out of the machine. No one really noticed me walking in, but after a minute my friend Stacy goes, "Tori?" I answered her and she was all like, "I smelled you." Everyone laughed, but hey, at least I smell distinctly good. She couldn't see me as I was standing behind someone while attempting to retrieve my soda.
I'm finding that my friends rely on me more than I think I notice. One of them shared a pretty unique thing about themselves with me the other day and I was, quite frankly, surprised that they trusted me enough to talk to me about it. I think it made them feel better knowing that I would already be accepting of them no matter what. That was a pretty cool experience. I also keep talking to my male equivalent. His name is Ryan and he's pretty darned hilarious. Our only major difference is that he's in theatre and he's good at it. I, myself get stage fright at the mere thought of standing in front of people. I've got bad nerves.
I'm also enjoying my friend Matt fake hitting on me. Last year he was convinced that I dreamed about him naked, so he likes to bring that up whenever possible. I enjoy playing with him and it mixes things up a bit after such a monotonous summer. Fun times.
At any rate, I'm going to continue on with my pretzels and online conversing and I'll see you crazy kids later.
Songs to consider:
Angels Cry (The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus)
Justify (The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus)
In other news, I've started working again. Back at my old computer lab job. It's not the most rewarding of jobs, but it gets me by. The freshmen moved in this weekend and although I'm frightened of their relatively young ages (born in 1990) and they are afraid of my pink hair, know-it-all strut and tattoos, we're so far getting along just fine. I've set up I don't know how many wireless networks. About 5 guys came in at once today and none of their computers wanted to work. I eventually got all but one of them to work and they left happier than they came (save the one).
This morning, after I showered, I fancied a caffeinated beverage. So I snuck down to the lounge where the check-in was happening and got one out of the machine. No one really noticed me walking in, but after a minute my friend Stacy goes, "Tori?" I answered her and she was all like, "I smelled you." Everyone laughed, but hey, at least I smell distinctly good. She couldn't see me as I was standing behind someone while attempting to retrieve my soda.
I'm finding that my friends rely on me more than I think I notice. One of them shared a pretty unique thing about themselves with me the other day and I was, quite frankly, surprised that they trusted me enough to talk to me about it. I think it made them feel better knowing that I would already be accepting of them no matter what. That was a pretty cool experience. I also keep talking to my male equivalent. His name is Ryan and he's pretty darned hilarious. Our only major difference is that he's in theatre and he's good at it. I, myself get stage fright at the mere thought of standing in front of people. I've got bad nerves.
I'm also enjoying my friend Matt fake hitting on me. Last year he was convinced that I dreamed about him naked, so he likes to bring that up whenever possible. I enjoy playing with him and it mixes things up a bit after such a monotonous summer. Fun times.
At any rate, I'm going to continue on with my pretzels and online conversing and I'll see you crazy kids later.
Songs to consider:
Angels Cry (The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus)
Justify (The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus)
15 August 2008
This world will never be what I expected
It's amazing how the time passes quickly when you finally don't want it to. I find my last day of apartment living was actually my first day of healthy socializing in a very long time. I spent my entire summer with the same people, doing the same things. Now that people are returning to this...adopted town of mine, I am getting a lot more attention than I've gotten used to. I find it odd that people automatically think you've been gone as long as they have. They are enthusiastic about returning and wanting to know what your summer was like when really, you were there the whole time.
With all the hub bub of moving back to campus and seeing all those fresh young faces, my world seems a little topsy turvy. I also met the male version of me today. And it was weird and kinda scary. Creepy too, just for good measure. I feel like I should apologize a little for being so cynical and overly sarcastic, but it was refreshing to meet someone as open to being less than optimistic as a lifestyle.
I think that I am looking forward to the start of a new term, but only in a social sense. I miss the people and the random goings on, but I could do without all the work. I was setting up my schedule and I dislike when I have to fit in 5 or 6 long meetings a week in addition to classes and work. Seems to just drain me of all my non-existent energy. In other news, the conference is 86 days away from being over. 86 days away from the conclusion of a two year chapter of my life.
Maybe I'll feel accomplished then, because I certainly feel nothing as of now. I'm sure it doesn't help to have everything be nearly intangible. Hard to grasp mental work over physical results. 86 days.
As for graduating, I almost don't care anymore. I just want out of here. Far and away. And I'm sure once I'm gone, I'll wish to be back, but I'll let that day come when it does and for now just let sleeping dogs lie.
Words to remember: "A sober, straight face gets you out of your clothes."
Songs to consider:
Never Too Late (Three Days Grace)
Me vs. Maradona vs. Elvis (Brand New)
Hallelujah (Jeff Buckley)
With all the hub bub of moving back to campus and seeing all those fresh young faces, my world seems a little topsy turvy. I also met the male version of me today. And it was weird and kinda scary. Creepy too, just for good measure. I feel like I should apologize a little for being so cynical and overly sarcastic, but it was refreshing to meet someone as open to being less than optimistic as a lifestyle.
I think that I am looking forward to the start of a new term, but only in a social sense. I miss the people and the random goings on, but I could do without all the work. I was setting up my schedule and I dislike when I have to fit in 5 or 6 long meetings a week in addition to classes and work. Seems to just drain me of all my non-existent energy. In other news, the conference is 86 days away from being over. 86 days away from the conclusion of a two year chapter of my life.
Maybe I'll feel accomplished then, because I certainly feel nothing as of now. I'm sure it doesn't help to have everything be nearly intangible. Hard to grasp mental work over physical results. 86 days.
As for graduating, I almost don't care anymore. I just want out of here. Far and away. And I'm sure once I'm gone, I'll wish to be back, but I'll let that day come when it does and for now just let sleeping dogs lie.
Words to remember: "A sober, straight face gets you out of your clothes."
Songs to consider:
Never Too Late (Three Days Grace)
Me vs. Maradona vs. Elvis (Brand New)
Hallelujah (Jeff Buckley)
12 August 2008
I can't erase the stupid things I say
I've been a little better lately. I've been taking my alone time in stride and just waiting it out until I have something physical to do again. I've been spending a lot of late nights up playing computer games or watching old TV shows lately. I think that helps the day go faster when I'm alone. other than that, I don't know.
I've been on a Breaking kick lately. They are just so good and even if they don't sound happy, their energy helps me to feel better. I've literally been listening to them day and night for four or five days now I think. Better than some other things I've been listening to lately. Hmm.
Last night (or very early this morning), a friend and I drove out into the country to watch some of the Perseid's meteor shower. It was nice sitting out in the cool quiet night and just chatting while we watched for meteors. There was a really awesome one too. It literally looked like it hit the atmosphere and exploded. The streak it left lasted for several seconds. That was pretty worth it. My friend and I had a nice conversation too. We talked a lot about things we felt guilty about when we were kids and why we kept secrets from our mothers. It's weird how we both do it even though are moms are almost completely opposite of each other.
I think I wanted to talk about more than that, but I didn't think about it enough before hand, so I didn't share much else. I have this fear of saying things that I think people would judge me for. I don't care what people think usually, but I don't give them reason to judge me any more than they should.
In other news, I keep dreaming about my friends' families. It's strange to me because I generally don't see these people, but I still keep having dreams about them. Maybe it's cause I think about my friends when I sleep. Some more than others. But that's beside the point. :-P
I'm thinking it's time to start considering packing to move back to campus in a couple of days. I don't know if I'll actually pack, but at least thinking about it is one step closer. A small, baby step. But at least it's getting there. :) I'm out.
Songs to consider:
Here We Are (Breaking Benjamin)
I've been on a Breaking kick lately. They are just so good and even if they don't sound happy, their energy helps me to feel better. I've literally been listening to them day and night for four or five days now I think. Better than some other things I've been listening to lately. Hmm.
Last night (or very early this morning), a friend and I drove out into the country to watch some of the Perseid's meteor shower. It was nice sitting out in the cool quiet night and just chatting while we watched for meteors. There was a really awesome one too. It literally looked like it hit the atmosphere and exploded. The streak it left lasted for several seconds. That was pretty worth it. My friend and I had a nice conversation too. We talked a lot about things we felt guilty about when we were kids and why we kept secrets from our mothers. It's weird how we both do it even though are moms are almost completely opposite of each other.
I think I wanted to talk about more than that, but I didn't think about it enough before hand, so I didn't share much else. I have this fear of saying things that I think people would judge me for. I don't care what people think usually, but I don't give them reason to judge me any more than they should.
In other news, I keep dreaming about my friends' families. It's strange to me because I generally don't see these people, but I still keep having dreams about them. Maybe it's cause I think about my friends when I sleep. Some more than others. But that's beside the point. :-P
I'm thinking it's time to start considering packing to move back to campus in a couple of days. I don't know if I'll actually pack, but at least thinking about it is one step closer. A small, baby step. But at least it's getting there. :) I'm out.
Songs to consider:
Here We Are (Breaking Benjamin)
08 August 2008
04 August 2008
This love, this hate...it's burning me away
One day I'm going to have to explain why I am such an angry person. I just don't know how much longer I can successfully suppress feeling violent and angry. I've spent so much time being apathetic and trying to stay calm and laid back that I think one day...I'm just going to breakdown.
I know people sense that I get very angry, but it's always just below the surface. I don't know what to do about it really. I felt so good these last few days. And I know it has a lot to do with feeling important to the company I had been keeping, but that's pretty much just how I work. And I guess I just got used to the attention. Today I spent my whole day anticipating hanging out after midnight. I even took a nap so I wouldn't be tired. I did all of this because I was invited (or so I guess I just assumed) to a party out somewhere with a friend and his co-workers. He forgot. I waited 8 hours and got left.
I'm hoping I wouldn't be the only one angry about that because I feel completely justified in my anger. And maybe I should have expected less because this happens to be the friend that forgets me a lot. but like I said, I guess I just got used to all of the attention over the weekend.
I hate being angry and alone. I just stew and simmer and stay awake longer because I can't convince myself to just let it go and sleep so I feel better tomorrow. I want to tell him why I'm angry. I think he's a flake and I want to tell him to just be upfront when he says things because I don't like being strung along. My self-image suffers much more when I am left abandoned. I can psychoanalyze myself enough to know that I only project apathy because I'm afraid my anger is part of the reason I get abandoned. I'm really insecure about that kind of stuff because it happened a lot when I was a kid.
Maybe I should just say that. Upfront tell people that they need to make sure I know we are or are not going to hang out because at least I won't feel abandoned if we don't. I want him to text me back. I'm a loser I know, but I think that's an easier thing to come to terms with being angry all the time.
Songs to consider:
Knife Called Lust (Hollywood Undead)
I know people sense that I get very angry, but it's always just below the surface. I don't know what to do about it really. I felt so good these last few days. And I know it has a lot to do with feeling important to the company I had been keeping, but that's pretty much just how I work. And I guess I just got used to the attention. Today I spent my whole day anticipating hanging out after midnight. I even took a nap so I wouldn't be tired. I did all of this because I was invited (or so I guess I just assumed) to a party out somewhere with a friend and his co-workers. He forgot. I waited 8 hours and got left.
I'm hoping I wouldn't be the only one angry about that because I feel completely justified in my anger. And maybe I should have expected less because this happens to be the friend that forgets me a lot. but like I said, I guess I just got used to all of the attention over the weekend.
I hate being angry and alone. I just stew and simmer and stay awake longer because I can't convince myself to just let it go and sleep so I feel better tomorrow. I want to tell him why I'm angry. I think he's a flake and I want to tell him to just be upfront when he says things because I don't like being strung along. My self-image suffers much more when I am left abandoned. I can psychoanalyze myself enough to know that I only project apathy because I'm afraid my anger is part of the reason I get abandoned. I'm really insecure about that kind of stuff because it happened a lot when I was a kid.
Maybe I should just say that. Upfront tell people that they need to make sure I know we are or are not going to hang out because at least I won't feel abandoned if we don't. I want him to text me back. I'm a loser I know, but I think that's an easier thing to come to terms with being angry all the time.
Songs to consider:
Knife Called Lust (Hollywood Undead)
02 August 2008
It's nights like these that we all love living
I've rediscovered Chronic Future. I had a thing with them last fall, but I guess they just fell off my radar. I really do like them. I found someone else new too. Well, not someone, but a band. Hollywood Undead (which I keep trying to refer to as Hollywood Underground for some reason). They are pretty fantastically differently awesome. Refreshing, I'd even venture to say.
While entertaining myself with this new discovery (only credited to a friend who texted me and suggested that I listen to them) I started up conversation with him and eventually that led to the hanging out that happened just recently. I'm tired of being couped up with my roommates all day...their monotony is worse that mine. So I convinced the poor boy with an ear infection to crawl out of bed to hang out with me. I mean, we do that all the time, but there's generally more planning involved. We listened a bit to HU when I got to his house and decided on a movie to watch.
American History X. One day (because I'm a history major) I'm going to write a paper with that title and talk about social injustices just to prove that they are every bit as important as things that happened ten, twenty, a hundred or a thousand years ago. Someone has to understand the history of today. It's very important. Anyway, I'd seen the movie before, but he hadn't, so we popped it in and settled down with strawberry yogurt and grape juice (don't ask my why it was coke and buttery popcorn). I had forgotten a lot of the details of the movie, so it definitely affected me just as if I had never seen it. The dialogue sometimes makes me feel uncomfortable because I don't think or feel at all like some of the characters. It's pretty harsh and stark and intense. I try not to think about it. But the scene with the curb makes me turn away and I feel a little sick because of it.
I cried too. At the end. When Danny dies. It's just not fair. At all. It's the story though. You learn a lot from shame I think. At least that character did. Something changed, and it was for the better. Hmm.
After the movie, we talked a little about friends and relationships and whatnot. Nothing intense or important, but it was a nice conversation sitting in the dark and the hot. I miss those conversations. I feel like old friends. We used to be so great, and we're just now recovering from the fall. I value him that much more though. It's all about the follow through. We'll be okay.
Alas, it is time for the sleeping. I have arranged to "help" work on his car again tomorrow. I look forward to it. Something I don't do with anyone else. It's just special that way. Recommendations below the cut. Out.
Songs to consider:
Dead In Ditches (Hollywood Undead)
The Black Dahlia (Hollywood Undead)
No. 5 (Hollywood Undead)
Wicked Games (Chronic Future)
Much Like Falling (Flyleaf)
Ur So Gay (Katy Perry)
While entertaining myself with this new discovery (only credited to a friend who texted me and suggested that I listen to them) I started up conversation with him and eventually that led to the hanging out that happened just recently. I'm tired of being couped up with my roommates all day...their monotony is worse that mine. So I convinced the poor boy with an ear infection to crawl out of bed to hang out with me. I mean, we do that all the time, but there's generally more planning involved. We listened a bit to HU when I got to his house and decided on a movie to watch.
American History X. One day (because I'm a history major) I'm going to write a paper with that title and talk about social injustices just to prove that they are every bit as important as things that happened ten, twenty, a hundred or a thousand years ago. Someone has to understand the history of today. It's very important. Anyway, I'd seen the movie before, but he hadn't, so we popped it in and settled down with strawberry yogurt and grape juice (don't ask my why it was coke and buttery popcorn). I had forgotten a lot of the details of the movie, so it definitely affected me just as if I had never seen it. The dialogue sometimes makes me feel uncomfortable because I don't think or feel at all like some of the characters. It's pretty harsh and stark and intense. I try not to think about it. But the scene with the curb makes me turn away and I feel a little sick because of it.
I cried too. At the end. When Danny dies. It's just not fair. At all. It's the story though. You learn a lot from shame I think. At least that character did. Something changed, and it was for the better. Hmm.
After the movie, we talked a little about friends and relationships and whatnot. Nothing intense or important, but it was a nice conversation sitting in the dark and the hot. I miss those conversations. I feel like old friends. We used to be so great, and we're just now recovering from the fall. I value him that much more though. It's all about the follow through. We'll be okay.
Alas, it is time for the sleeping. I have arranged to "help" work on his car again tomorrow. I look forward to it. Something I don't do with anyone else. It's just special that way. Recommendations below the cut. Out.
Songs to consider:
Dead In Ditches (Hollywood Undead)
The Black Dahlia (Hollywood Undead)
No. 5 (Hollywood Undead)
Wicked Games (Chronic Future)
Much Like Falling (Flyleaf)
Ur So Gay (Katy Perry)
01 August 2008
And I liked it!
Time for a small break from the monotony of being hardcore crazy.
I've broken a little since yesterday. Got some work done, helped work on a car (haha, I know) and took a great long shower. Now I'm listening to a little bit of Flyleaf and little bit of Katy Perry. Not quite the same, but I guess I'm in the mood for some decent singing by girls. Something about their voices make me feel better. A little anyway.
Anyway, I'm not entirely sure why, but I'm kind of looking forward to the weekend. Nothing in particular is happening (since I was too poor to go up to Chicago) but seems like it might be an okay time. After "helping" one of my friends work on his car earlier this afternoon, I now have the desire to do it some more. His housemates are gone for the weekend, so maybe I can convince him to let me hang out and work on his car with him some more. I might even cook something. He's been sick lately, so it might do him some good to relax.
Uh...yeah...I don't know. I'm kinda sad to be missing lollapalooza, but it can't be helped...I'm just too poor. I look forward to getting back to work in a couple of weeks so I can have money again. It'll be all okay then. I've also decided I want a tattoo that is partially on my back and partially down my side...but for that, I have to be less chunky. So my goal is get flatter somehow. Sounds weird, but I think it's a respectable goal to have. That means it's back to the gym for me starting Monday. Probably no more soda or shitty food either. I think I'm aiming to get the tattoo after my conference is over. As a reward or something. So that's my goal. And that'll totally help me look freaking awesome for the actual conference and I'm betting I'll get some praise from my neurologist too.
I like being complimented so I'll just have to remember that every time I feel too lazy to get out of bed and get shit done. I finally got my second wind for the summer. God I hated my life for a while. My roommate is cranky as shit because all she does is work at a job she doesn't really like, then come home and study for the MCAT. She's a got a lot more discipline than I have, but I still can't wait for her to get the test over with. It's this coming Wednesday and she moves out on Tuesday. I'll have the apt to myself for a week and a half. I can finally blast my music, stay up as late as I want and walk around naked. Well...maybe not that last one, but it'll still be more freedom than I've had for a while. I'm used to either vacating the premises or shutting myself up in my room. I need to be free!
I guess that's pretty much all I've got. I admit that it was a lot, but I've got to find some more music to play so I don't keep half-listening to the Stargate episode that's playing in the background. Peace.
Songs to consider:
I Kissed A Girl (Katy Perry)
Sorrow (Flyleaf)
I've broken a little since yesterday. Got some work done, helped work on a car (haha, I know) and took a great long shower. Now I'm listening to a little bit of Flyleaf and little bit of Katy Perry. Not quite the same, but I guess I'm in the mood for some decent singing by girls. Something about their voices make me feel better. A little anyway.
Anyway, I'm not entirely sure why, but I'm kind of looking forward to the weekend. Nothing in particular is happening (since I was too poor to go up to Chicago) but seems like it might be an okay time. After "helping" one of my friends work on his car earlier this afternoon, I now have the desire to do it some more. His housemates are gone for the weekend, so maybe I can convince him to let me hang out and work on his car with him some more. I might even cook something. He's been sick lately, so it might do him some good to relax.
Uh...yeah...I don't know. I'm kinda sad to be missing lollapalooza, but it can't be helped...I'm just too poor. I look forward to getting back to work in a couple of weeks so I can have money again. It'll be all okay then. I've also decided I want a tattoo that is partially on my back and partially down my side...but for that, I have to be less chunky. So my goal is get flatter somehow. Sounds weird, but I think it's a respectable goal to have. That means it's back to the gym for me starting Monday. Probably no more soda or shitty food either. I think I'm aiming to get the tattoo after my conference is over. As a reward or something. So that's my goal. And that'll totally help me look freaking awesome for the actual conference and I'm betting I'll get some praise from my neurologist too.
I like being complimented so I'll just have to remember that every time I feel too lazy to get out of bed and get shit done. I finally got my second wind for the summer. God I hated my life for a while. My roommate is cranky as shit because all she does is work at a job she doesn't really like, then come home and study for the MCAT. She's a got a lot more discipline than I have, but I still can't wait for her to get the test over with. It's this coming Wednesday and she moves out on Tuesday. I'll have the apt to myself for a week and a half. I can finally blast my music, stay up as late as I want and walk around naked. Well...maybe not that last one, but it'll still be more freedom than I've had for a while. I'm used to either vacating the premises or shutting myself up in my room. I need to be free!
I guess that's pretty much all I've got. I admit that it was a lot, but I've got to find some more music to play so I don't keep half-listening to the Stargate episode that's playing in the background. Peace.
Songs to consider:
I Kissed A Girl (Katy Perry)
Sorrow (Flyleaf)
The very worst part of you is ME
Silence can be the worst thing a person could hear. You become part of the background, no different than the fan or the hum and glow of your computers. It’s at those points in time where I lose myself. I stare into nothing, only vaguely aware of being alive. My hunger has returned. It’s clawing at my insides, raging at me for forgiving its absence. I ignore it. I figure that I should punish myself a little longer for enjoying the pain and emptiness. Today was the day that I decided I wasn’t unhappy, but there is certainly a factor missing in life that would allow happiness to thrive. I can’t be both, but I still can’t even manage to be one. I feel the tenderness of my swollen arm now. I should have decided yesterday that chasing light poles was much the same as chase windmills. I guess Don Quixote never learned, so why should I?
When I have money again, I will tattoo something absolutely fucking profound all the way across my back. If I were thinner and prettier, I’d think about putting something on my side. Down the ribs. Just to feel the pain. A broken wing tip or a set of claw marks tracking down my back. Something that people just…feel. Tracks in the snow. Lovingly tracing down my spine, onto my tail.
Today I wished for love. I wished for sex and happiness and the pain of heartbreak. I saw the jagged edges of broken glass. Picked up a piece and traced it down one arm and up the other. I felt the warm stickiness of the blood. Bright red and flowing from me so freely. The pain was unimaginable. It felt alive and real. It felt like love should feel. Excruciating.
I’ve decided to write about a friend. Not as a friend, but as a lover. The way I see him in my mind, through my eyes. I want to write honestly and brutally. To tear him open and wear him like a snakeskin. He will be a martyr to my cause. I have become afraid of honesty and truth. I’ve become a hypocrite to my own cause. I don’t deserve the righteousness I have convinced myself I have. I say I won’t cheat, but I’ve never had the chance to. How would I really know? Is it a lesson I could learn from? Loyalties can become divided. I’ve witnessed it first hand. When you are center stage for your own coup d’état, it’s hard to deny such faulty people exist.
Have I become more coherent? I’ve asked less of you today. My reality has blended with that of my surroundings. I can admit that I am cynical and selfish and lazy. But only for now. Would you want to know a person who could be that honest? Why does he keep asking me about myself? Who is that curious? I keep thinking about that cat. There’s a reason he has nine lives. He wouldn’t live past infancy otherwise. I tell him I don’t want to be judged. Where can I go where that won’t happen? He’ll always be there. Asking. Assuming. Understanding. I can’t stand it any longer. Would it be better if I told him what role I wanted him to have? Lover? Husband? Saint?
Would he forgive me? Accept me? Love me if he knew? Would you consider yourself intimate with me? Reading and accepting my thoughts and my despair. Would you consider me a lover? What about a friend? The very idea of a stranger meeting another is appalling to me. Who can accept fate that way? Ride the waves into the sun soaked sky and breath breathlessly while chance is taken away. When did I become a bitter person? Use my lack of talent and charm to become hateful to the world? Quick wit and a sharp tongue are my only tethers to reality. I secretly hope for a drunken phone call or a message proclaiming love and loyalty and sin. He’s unsure about pride and lust and sloth. No one remembers those anymore.
My only hope is that humanity will give back to me what I rightfully wish to claim. Not happiness and love and all the delight one could possibly stand, but a deeper understanding of pain and rejection and loneliness. I want to be taught to feel ugly and incompetent. I want all of that in exchange for him. No more part time lovers and full time friends. I want it all. The dirt under his fingernails, the shivering lips and hot breath. Every imperfection and annoyance. No sunshine or love. Just the raw feeling of sweat and anger and fear. Trembling from a touch. Shame and hollowness. All of it. Could I love that way? Live that way? Die that way?
Songs to consider:
Listen to Collision Course by Linkin Park and Jay Z, you might learn something.
When I have money again, I will tattoo something absolutely fucking profound all the way across my back. If I were thinner and prettier, I’d think about putting something on my side. Down the ribs. Just to feel the pain. A broken wing tip or a set of claw marks tracking down my back. Something that people just…feel. Tracks in the snow. Lovingly tracing down my spine, onto my tail.
Today I wished for love. I wished for sex and happiness and the pain of heartbreak. I saw the jagged edges of broken glass. Picked up a piece and traced it down one arm and up the other. I felt the warm stickiness of the blood. Bright red and flowing from me so freely. The pain was unimaginable. It felt alive and real. It felt like love should feel. Excruciating.
I’ve decided to write about a friend. Not as a friend, but as a lover. The way I see him in my mind, through my eyes. I want to write honestly and brutally. To tear him open and wear him like a snakeskin. He will be a martyr to my cause. I have become afraid of honesty and truth. I’ve become a hypocrite to my own cause. I don’t deserve the righteousness I have convinced myself I have. I say I won’t cheat, but I’ve never had the chance to. How would I really know? Is it a lesson I could learn from? Loyalties can become divided. I’ve witnessed it first hand. When you are center stage for your own coup d’état, it’s hard to deny such faulty people exist.
Have I become more coherent? I’ve asked less of you today. My reality has blended with that of my surroundings. I can admit that I am cynical and selfish and lazy. But only for now. Would you want to know a person who could be that honest? Why does he keep asking me about myself? Who is that curious? I keep thinking about that cat. There’s a reason he has nine lives. He wouldn’t live past infancy otherwise. I tell him I don’t want to be judged. Where can I go where that won’t happen? He’ll always be there. Asking. Assuming. Understanding. I can’t stand it any longer. Would it be better if I told him what role I wanted him to have? Lover? Husband? Saint?
Would he forgive me? Accept me? Love me if he knew? Would you consider yourself intimate with me? Reading and accepting my thoughts and my despair. Would you consider me a lover? What about a friend? The very idea of a stranger meeting another is appalling to me. Who can accept fate that way? Ride the waves into the sun soaked sky and breath breathlessly while chance is taken away. When did I become a bitter person? Use my lack of talent and charm to become hateful to the world? Quick wit and a sharp tongue are my only tethers to reality. I secretly hope for a drunken phone call or a message proclaiming love and loyalty and sin. He’s unsure about pride and lust and sloth. No one remembers those anymore.
My only hope is that humanity will give back to me what I rightfully wish to claim. Not happiness and love and all the delight one could possibly stand, but a deeper understanding of pain and rejection and loneliness. I want to be taught to feel ugly and incompetent. I want all of that in exchange for him. No more part time lovers and full time friends. I want it all. The dirt under his fingernails, the shivering lips and hot breath. Every imperfection and annoyance. No sunshine or love. Just the raw feeling of sweat and anger and fear. Trembling from a touch. Shame and hollowness. All of it. Could I love that way? Live that way? Die that way?
Songs to consider:
Listen to Collision Course by Linkin Park and Jay Z, you might learn something.
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