I'll get lost if you want me to

Life's been a little rough lately. Not really physically challenging, but emotionally so. It's not difficult to list out the reasons why and how all of them could be potentially preventable, but that just seems like filing a list of complaints with a company that doesn't care. You find yourself wondering what the point really is. So I will not once again find myself merely listing off things I don't like, because, to be honest, anyone can list out at least a hundred things they don't like. Instead, I shall find myself (once again) pondering what it is I can do to make those dislikes either go away, or at the very least, make themselves cower into a corner so there is room for the things I do like.

It's almost October and even though I enjoy the fall, the chill in the air makes me weary. I look forward to the leaves changing and wearing jackets and hats again, but those seem like small positives to an otherwise dreary outlook on the season. So the potential good in this upcoming season could be my job prospect that I was handed today. It's not for sure yet, but I have an interview in the morning that holds a promising contract job through the end of the year. And seeing as cash flow is all important these days, I will take what is given to me and graciously say thank you. I will gruel through office labor 40+ hours a week if it gives me the satisfaction that I am not sitting and wasting away elsewhere. Here's hoping that the next time I muster the energy to post, it will be as a gainfully employed citizen.

In other news, nothing has happened. I mean this to say...nothing has changed. My living arrangements are quickly coming to a shaky halt. I don't know if I'll be staying where I am or trying to find a place of my own or risking moving back in with my mother, but none of those are concrete or really what I would like, so I'm really trying to push off the inevitable until I can no longer ignore what needs to be done. Maybe the next time I post, this issue will also be resolved. I find that I rely on the kindness of others far too much, and maybe that means I really do just need to cut off all charity and suffer through poverty and potential misery for a while until things start looking up. It's upsetting to think about it that way, but I'm thinking this is just going to be the painful part of my growth as an adult in the coming months.

I do look forward to a lot of things from day to day. There are people that can brighten my mood just by walking through the door and thankfully I see them often enough to push off any bad moods that crop up here and there. This may change soon, but I am trying to look at the change in a positive manner. Maybe if I have to rely on myself for happiness and contentment, my independence will push me through.

In all, I really don't know how things are going to go. I may get a job, I may not. I may move, I may not. But it all leads to me growing up, and as much as I don't want to do that the way I'm being forced to, it'll all end well for me I'm sure. Time will tell.

Lost In You (Three Days Grace)

I Don't Care (Apocalyptica feat. Adam Gontier)

Break (Breaking Benjamin)

Perfect eyes will have perfect aim

I've been thinking lately about jealousy. It's an emotion that crops up a lot for seemingly no reason and no matter how much I try to make myself see how irrational it is to be jealous of anyone/thing, I still can't help but feel it come back strong every once in a great while. I didn't feel it too strongly tonight, but I did have a bit of a chance to think over it and really, I still can't understand what there is to be jealous of. And to be honest, I wish it were an emotion I were a little less familiar with.

Lets look at my pathetic attempt at a hypothetical situation. Say you like someone. Let's call them J. J, thankfully, likes you too. This is great and you start a relationship. But before you do, J mentions a friend, K, that likes J, but J does not reciprocate those feelings. I think we've all been here a least once in our lives, or if you are like me, many more times than you would like to admit. Anyway, J tells you that K likes them and that they do not like K, but when you start a relationship with J, they must tell K that they are with you now and thereby let K down/potentially anger them. See, K says J was leading them on. But soon K seems to move on and now you and J are happily together. Only thing is, J and K are still good friends and occasionally you must hang out with J and K together and you get the distinct feeling that K does not really like you. But that's okay, because you don't particularly like K either...mostly because you know that K has/had feelings for J and you feel that J is yours and yours alone and that K should have no right to feelings for J. Confused yet?

Anyway, a while goes by and you and J sort of half break up. We'll call it a break from holding a relationship title for simplicity's sake. So now you and J are "friends" and you still hang out most of the time, but now K thinks J is back on the market and maybe K is still holding out hope that J will finally reciprocate K's feelings. You know for a fact that J is still mentally, if not officially, committed to you and you alone and they have no interest in K whatsoever. But J now hangs out with K more often due to the break in your relationship and you are jealous of the time you have to give up for K to spend time with J.

Okay. It's really stupid and I know I'm being dumb for feeling jealous. But that is something I'm finding I cannot help. About the best I can do is not mention to "J" that I am jealous of the time "K" gets to spend with them. But I still feel it. I still think about it. And it definitely still bothers me. I don't wish for this to be the case, but I fear that there really is nothing I can do. Dead ended in emotion once more. About my only comfort in the whole J-K fiasco is that I know J will come home to me even if we aren't together and K will be going home alone and that's just how it will be until K finds someone else to have affections for.

I'm just crazy, I know. It does not help that it's late either. Heh. But alas, I am done.

Anyway...concerts (Blink-182 and Bowling For Soup) were both awesome and I am happy with my weekend overall (even if I have two days left of it). Sleep now, more later. Hopefully no more confusing hypothetical stories either. Sweet dreams.

Songs to consider:

The No Seatbelt Song (Brand New)

Liar (Taking Back Sunday)

Always (Blink-182)

I hate...actors who seem genuine

Back from the abyss that is laziness. It sucks being so terribly lazy (in writing terms) that the most I can say I've accomplished is a series of letters to someone who will never read them. I've wholeheartedly neglected my journal, my blog, my book and my other writing endeavors (like all those short stories and poems I love writing so much). It really is a sad fact to know that I could have written volumes worth of practically anything in the last few months and all I've managed really, is a reading maybe a half dozen or so books, and writing probably 20 pages or less worth of any sort of more than crap material.

I could say that time has gotten away from me. Which, to be honest, works for about half the summer. I love to sleep and I take care of the puppies and depending on the day, I really throw myself into cleaning. Add those things to (Hey! It's 11:11!) the fact that anytime after 5:30 is a total preoccupation with dinner and hanging out and tv, then really, I've only really wasted a good months worth of writing. It's still a shame though. I'd slap myself on the wrist if I thought it would do any good. It won't, but one could hope.

In other news, I'm STILL unemployed. Still waiting for a couple of places to get back to me, but if I hear nothing by Friday, I'll start looking again. It's a sad day when I can't even get a job as a cashier. Oh, well. Aside from the lack of money thing and the being lazy (in writing) thing, stuff coming up includes getting my new phone (a BlackBerry Curve that I ordered just last night!), seeing Blink, TBS and Weezer in concert this Friday (!) and a few other things, like the doc on the 16th, VBall Tuesdays with the Aaron and the Heather and possibly a visit to Santa-Cali-Gon this weekend with my childhood friend Mike and his wife Susan. Plus! Say Anything is gonna be in KC on Oct. 21st and Berto already bought tickets for us to go. Add that to the fact that their new album comes out 8 days before and the latter part of October should be pretty spectacular.

I really wish I had a more normal life. I have plenty of routine and lots of fun things to look forward to, but a job and money and stability would really be nice. For now, I guess I'm still okay, but really, things must change soon. I need it. Bad.

All that aside, life is going pretty well. I wrote a new poem today and to be honest, it felt pretty good. Hopefully my next post will be full of bigger and better things than this one. Until then...

Songs to Consider:

I Hate Everyone (Say Anything)