It would be a lie to run away

I keep wondering why, this time, I don't care. Is it because there's nothing to care for? Or am I denying so thoroughly all the things I'll miss that I just haven't allowed myself to care? When one day melts into the next it's difficult to understand individual feelings and emotions. Everything just blurs together so eventually you can't tell dream from reality. I feel like my glare could burn a whole right through the screen. I feel like telling myself to lighten up, but it's sometimes too difficult. I end up laughing at myself anyway. Something about being too serious seems a little ridiculous to me. Always so serious. Maybe that's why I'm such a terrible actor...I can't even grasp how to be myself, let alone how to invent a whole new me for others to see. Heh.

I'm going to have to take my journal home with me over break. I frankly don't know how long I'll be isolated, but maybe it'll be good for me. It's funny to think that I'll have to write something that won't be here, exposed for all to see. I think that exposing the blaring fragility of my mind helps me cope. Cope with what, I couldn't even put that into words. Though maybe if I share a few of my current obsessions, it might help you, the reader, to understand; maybe more than I can.

Current favorite songs:
Clair de Lune (Debussy)
Rearranged (Limp Bizkit)
The Cure For Pain (Jon Foreman)
My Blue Heaven (Taking Back Sunday)

Current favorite films:
Fierce People
Seven Pounds
In The Land Of Women

Current books I'm reading:
Ticket To Ride (Dennis Potter)
Eldest (Christopher Paolini)

Other currents:
Mood - Uneasy, pensive
Favorite genre - Indie
Favorite activity - Dreaming, showering
Least favorite things - Lack of music, ice, too much heat

Maybe these things could help you all figure me out a little right now. It's not much to go on, but more than I think I usually give.

Songs to consider:

Lille (Lisa Hannigan)
We've Got Company (Civalias)
OK (Holly Conlan)

Everyone turns tricks for fickle fame

It's nothing new, but lately, I've been having the most bizarre dreams. I normally dream frequently, but most of the time, I just shrug it off and move on, but sometimes, they just shake me. I'd like to call some of them nightmares, but I'm not scared, just... thrilled. Like, the energy/danger that I feel is just more exhilarating than it is frightening. Take last night for instance. I swear this dream is a repeat, but it still weirds me out that I can even filter stuff like this through my unconsciousness. I was at an airport. It wasn't finished and I think I was just walking around it with some other people I didn't know looking at the features and all. It was round, which was cool, because you could just keep walking and end up where you started without having to get lost. Anyway, I'm walking and all of the sudden, these guys burst through the sliding doors coming in from the outside with guns. Everyone tries to dash away, but they just start shooting everyone that moves. I remember trying to duck behind some sort of statue, but one guy saw me and shot me. Right in the torso. He hit a rib and that's when I remembered I had the dream before. It hurt, but I was more shocked that he actually shot me rather than being shocked BECAUSE I was shot. It didn't hurt too much, so I got up and tried to get into this elevator across from the statue with a bunch of other people. Well, that didn't work out so much and the guys with guns made us come back out. We ended up being holed up in a sweets shop (I think) and all sorts of hijinks ensued. I don't really remember the timeline after that but somehow the owners of the airport were either in on the whole invasion or knew the guys doing it or something. And I was in this shop with a bunch of other people and some of them didn't believe that I'd been shot cause I was moving around okay and some of the others weren't. So I looked down and there was all this drying blood on my shirt and a little little hole where the bullet went through. It's weird, but I remember looking down my shirt to make sure I actually had been shot and sure enough, there was blood all over my skin and a hole where the bullet hit. I guess it was some sort of small caliber that oddly stopped when it hit my rib instead of shattering and going through the rest of me. At any rate, I don't really think there was an end to it... or at least I don't remember it.

I had another dream too, but it was infinitely more awkward to remember and recall than the airport one is. All I remember was that I was in my room and there was some kid there that I didn't know. And my skin was burned. Or if it wasn't burned, it was really hot and that was topic of our conversation to an extent. I'll leave out the rest as I really don't know how to describe it at all. Hmm.

Anyway, these two were just last night. Previous nights have included the cast of Mission: Impossible and a paintball gun that looked like a rocket launcher and shot paintballs that could electrocute people. Then there was one involving two actors playing in a movie and I was there watching the movie being made, but no one knew I was there. So it was sort of like watching the finished movie, but instead of watching it on a screen, you're standing invisibly next to the characters as the story is acted out. The best way I can describe it is like when Harry Potter falls into Dumbledore's pensive and witnesses the memories first hand. There were a few others as well, but those seem to be more vivid still in my mind.

I'm wondering if it's my whacked sleeping schedule that's making my dreams more vivid, but at any rate, at least they aren't terrifying or REALLY weird. Just... sort of weird. Tori style, I'd even say. Heh. I sort of look forward to sleeping when I actually can to see what kinds of dreams I'll have that night. It's a fun little game.

Songs to consider:

I Changed My Name (Sugarcult)

I can't live alone in this lie

It's frustrating to know that you're feeling something, but you can't even explain what the feeling is to yourself. It's like, someone asks you to describe how you felt the first time you were conflicted about anything in your life. How do you explain that to someone? How do you even remember the conflict from so long ago? I remember the first time I was unsure of what decision to make. It was a very tough one, and I was maybe five at the time. I recall wanting to make the decision I made, knowing that it was wrong, but today, I can't shake the feeling that if I had said no, maybe I'd be better. I'd be a better person, I'd be more composed, confident. Again, I can't even try to explain the conflict I felt. Maybe it was because of my age or the situation, but I don't know if I could even explain conflict from some similar situation now, if it were to happen again. And that's where my frustration comes in.

I am in this place, it's darker and cut off from everything else, but even when I climb out to see the sun and the warm smiles of friends, I think about the dark, and until I can escape back to it, long for it. It's almost painful to feel that way. And when I get back there, to the dark and the quiet, I feel relieved. I feel calmer and the anxiety melts away. Those feelings make me wonder if I'm changing. Something fundamental inside of me must be shifting so that my precarious social habits and manic internal mood swings are beginning to dominate me, to take over in the most primal way. I know I should worry, but I feel so self-aware that I think, that as long as I can control it, I'll be okay. I'll pull out of this quietude, this massive reclusive streak and long to be with willing company once more. The only fear left is...what if I don't come back?

"I'm better sorry than safe, better never than late
You better make sure I'm gone before you make your mistake."

Songs to consider:

Love Will Come Through (Travis)
Better Sorry Than Safe (Two Hours Traffic)

Lonely Soul

It's a weird place to be: here. Just sitting, staring, thinking. Being so unconcerned with the rest of life that you forget it's even there sometimes. The only things that exist are the characters in your story, the music in your head, the words that make up your thoughts and memories, the emotions that make your heart beat. It's careless to become so consumed by your mind that other people and places become irrelevant. Can there be a reason for it all?

It's amusing to think about your life from an inward perspective. You don't look out to see where you're going or who will be there waiting for you. It's just you, and the heat and the dark and the voices in the songs that keep you here. Here in the life you've stopped thinking about having. Strange really. But, okay. Not happy, not sad. Just...here, content and okay. Soothing. Peaceful.

Songs to consider:

Say (All I Need) (OneRepublic)

The winds are up at the walls again

My contacts are clouding my vision. I'm not sure if it's poor care on my part or just the complete exhaustion my mind had subjected my body to. Last night was the first night of no sleep after the previous ten nights of terrible restless sleep. I'm not sure if I should take the all-nighter as a blessing in disguise or as an ominous sign of things to come...

It iced last night. I don't understand why we can't be like all the other miserable places in the world that get snow or rain...not ice. Ice is my absolute least favorite weather condition (at least of those I have experienced) and every time I have to brave the weather for a trek across campus, I feel like a child just taking her first tentative steps without any of the confidence or enthusiasm someone who had been walking for almost 22 years should possess. It's irritating at best.

Through the haze of insomnia, I have started writing a book. I see promise in it so far because it's the first time I've ever been able to get the story past a few pages. I took about three hours on Monday to write the first nineteen pages. I stopped there, but I keep thinking about a new part to add. I think I will need to have healthier looking eyes before I get back to the project...and more time to devote to it. Classes, despite my inability to attend them even when I'm wide awake, still require some amount of my time and they don't seem to let up as the last couple of days of the semester approach. I really can't complain, but because the severe impairment in my ability to sleep has made me into a zombie, I feel justified to at least grumble through my unhappiness in private (or here for you, the reader, to mull over).

I'll be careful to not allow my mind to bend or break under the pressure and stress of insomnia, but I can't guarantee that my care will do much good in the short term. Something to ponder...while I lie wide awake tonight no doubt. ;)

Songs to consider:

Cold Bread (Johnny Flynn)

Finding beauty in the dissonance

Carefully. Watching a whisper wind it's way to you. Hopefully. Answering the touch of the thought with your voice. Endlessly. Guarding the want and the need. Slightly more than understanding nature. Dealing the hand you want without taking his hand away. Playfully. Wistfully. Peacefully. Quietly drifting to the soulful place where solitude meets understanding. Desire fulfilling itself without cheapening the thought. Calculating. Charming. The warm winter air over the cool night. Staring with complete trust. Guiding one more lust-less, love-full sweet song.

Songs to consider:

Schism (Tool)

I had to stop myself from saying something I never should've thought

Obsession. Blinding, unadulterated obsession. It's keeping me up at night. It keeps the dark shadows under my eyes and the dull pain in my cheeks. It fights with passion and reason, it copes with irrationality. The cold and the dark only serve as a conduit. They make it stronger, more volatile. I am irrevocable; closed to the light and the sound, the fury of the day and the wind. Nature serves to anger me, sadden me. It has forgotten my indifference. Rain soaked, glaring. My will serves no purpose but you. The ice in your stare, the bloodlessness of your lips. Careful. Too careful. Too cold.

Songs to consider:

I Caught Myself (Paramore)

Steadily emerging with grace

There's a certain hatefulness to my thoughts. Something pulling at my insides, slowly dragging me away from rationality. Some certain evil waiting at the end of the day to welcome me home. But none of that isn't okay. Inside, it's comforting. Comforting to know that someone, something is waiting to welcome me, even if it is only inside my head. Life has me utterly repulsed by the idea of people. How weak-minded they are, how undeserving and selfish they can be. It disgusts me to know that it's me I'm repulsed by. My selfishness and neediness and greed overwhelming even the most logical and rational argument. But for the sake of the situation, I am glad to know that I'm not bothered by my own weaknesses. I'm bothered by the lack of other emotional responses to the world. Love and loyalty and virtue. Those things I dream of most are those that are too far away to grasp tightly. Could it be that I'm jealous? Only too careful to realize jealousy would be too much of a selfish response to my normal surroundings. Can it be that I wish for a new beginning? A better glance at how unfair and beautiful life can be? Where is it that my perception gets lost? Where is in that I lose my own humanity?

Songs to consider:

Eyes On Fire (Blue Foundation)

How can I decide what's right when you're clouding up my mind?

I understand now. The out of control thumping of your heart as you tempt fate. You feel the breath on your lips and you can't think about pulling away. You can't breathe, or speak. Shivers. Nervous. Dry lips. Dry mouth. It's dark. Cold. The tears. Not running yet. Held back. Waiting. Still nervous. Excited. Exhilarated. Warm bodies. Shivering lips. Sticky. Hot. Closed eyes. Inhale. Exhale. Sweet smell. Careful, out of control. Again. And again. Too late. It's December now.

Have I found you?

Songs to consider:

Decode (Paramore)
Flightless Bird, American Mouth (Iron & Wine)

The clouds above move closer, looking so dissatisfied

I always seem to forget what sadness feels like. I'm being sad for no particular reason and finding sadness is normal circumstances. I attribute it to the weather. I always feel alone in the cold and the dark. There's no warmth even in human contact. It's always a terse hello, a hurried handshake as you keep your head bent to the wind and the cold. The dreariness raining down from the clouds coats everything. Nothing looks as bright and nothing is worth waiting for. Just getting from one cold, dreary place to another, wishing for a spark of warmth along the way. I also attribute it to the news. It's just not good for a person to only hear about death and dying and heartbreak. I read about how Elliott Smith died and it made me sad. And I saw a movie where someone died and that was sad too. Even laying here, in my warm, soft bed, with my little stuffed penguin, the sadness creeps inside me. I wish for a sunny day. And soon. I hear the sunshine helps with making the sadness go away.

Songs to consider:

Valentine's Day (Linkin Park)
The Kids Aren't Alright (The Offspring)
Miss Misery (Elliott Smith)

I've been waiting for this silence all night long

Today was a better day despite the dreary weather. I sort of half-thought about joining up with SUB now that I'm free to do that and I filled out an application and turned it in. I'm curious to see what comes of it, but I'm in no hurry. It's hot right now. My heater gives no explanation for why it kicks on when it does or fails to warm me up when I'm cold. I've been having pains again today. I'd call them debilitating if they lasted for more than 30 seconds, but they are at the very least excruciating. I don't know if I want to bother worrying about it now. It's happened before.

I'm going to Springfield tomorrow. Probably only to do one specific thing, but I'll share that sometime later. I watched Hitman earlier with Aaron and he introduced me to Black Violin, which I find highly interesting. Something about mixing genres and such that piques my interest. But I think I should go to sleep now. The pains are crap and if I sleep, maybe I'll have good dreams. Finlay and I are out for now. Enjoy the night.

Songs to consider:

Lazy Eye (Silversun Pickups)
Broken (Lifehouse)
Addicted (Saving Abel)

Who will save you when I'm gone?

Another startlingly chill night without the winter bitterness. Feeling overexposed and underdressed in the warm cold air, the faint drops of rain and the dim glow of a dying moon. Slow heart beats, then fast, then slow again. My skin tastes salty and bitter all at once. Is it me? Is it something else? Lying in the dark bright glow of the monitor, carelessly wasting away late in the early morning hours. Does it matter that it's tomorrow today? Can I save anyone now? Is it a serious complaint to say that I accomplished nothing? Who decides my fate? Is it me? You? That stranger?

Do you care here? Do you care now? Do you care anymore? Should I be someone else? Should I know who you are? Who I am? Why I'm here waiting for you? Should I know why I love you? Should I know why I want you without wanting you? Can I learn from this? Can I fall and pick myself back up? What's in the grey? Am I there? Am I sharply defined in the life I'm living or am I blurred at the edges, struggling to exist in you? Should I even ask anymore? Maybe not. Not today. Not now. I will carefully taste the sweet sunshine you give me and learn slowly once more to trust in you. I'll wait here. For you. For your love. I'll dare myself to let go and to hold on. Breathing slowly under your gaze. Waiting. Here. Now.

Songs to consider:

Watch Over You (Alter Bridge)
Where I Stood (Missy Higgins)
Angels On The Moon (Thriving Ivory) --> Rediscovered favorite

The quiet things that no one ever knows

I find myself hauntingly...and desperately, alone. Now that my conference is over and all of my friends have magically found themselves with physical comfort, I can't help but notice that I am still without. There's this feeling inside that's gnawing at me. Something that's telling me there's a void. A void I can't fill alone. And I have to admit, I am guilty of devising ways to fill it, but all I can chalk that up to is mild daydreaming and fantasy. Dreams can only hold you for so long before they just make it more evident that you are alone and lonely. I feel like such a baby, whining about needing someone. But I can't help it. There's only so much you can get from friends before you stop sharing things. Before you secretly hide feelings because of who you're with or what you want and don't have.

Is it so hard to ask for companionship? Someone to which I can say things no one else knows. Someone to hold and be held by, when happy or sad. Someone to argue with and make up to. It would seem that no one is there for me and though I find no rush to be settled into life, it might help me a little to know that I'm loved by someone who I can love it return. If you're out there, I'm here. Waiting. Hoping. Holding back the tears.

Songs to consider:

The Quiet Things That No One Ever Knows (Brand New)

Pour the salt into the open wound

These days I find myself lacking the wherewithal to watch an entire campaign commercial on TV anymore. Heck, I don't even watch the news; I read it. And you know why? I can skip all the political bull and read what I find more pressing and important to everyday life. I'm not saying I don't care about the upcoming elections, but seriously, constant vigilance is not really going to help matters either way. I find this to be a, "damned if you do, damned if you don't" situation. Some of you may be angry by that fact, but seriously, if you're mind is already made up, leave mine alone. I don't care if you are obsessed with McCain and Palin or if you are obsessed with Obama/Biden. Really, I don't care. Just because I like one candidate over the other doesn't mean I am wrong. It doesn't mean anyone else is wrong either. I won't share my political leanings either, but if you know me, you probably already have an idea.

None of that was really the point of my post, but I was being bothered by someone's seeming forgetfulness of their political and social values. A few months ago, though undecided about who to vote for, they were firm in their beliefs and I thought they would stick with them as it would affect their personal lifestyle choices if they changed their mind. How wrong I was. I'm just curious to see how so much opposition can first turn into acceptance, then defense, then defiant support. I know people are allowed to change their minds, but to do so without really giving a solid reason why seems kind of silly. That's just been on my mind the last few weeks.

I am just extremely grateful that my conference isn't until after this damned election. I'll either be somewhat comforted that America will maybe change for the better or I'll be planning a mass migration to Canada with several of my friends who feel the same way I do. We shall see. But for now, I must retire. My goal is to actually get sleep prior to this conference. It'll be hard, but I think I can pull it off. Bye for now.

Repeats, I know, but I'm in the mood for some breaking. Enjoy.

Songs to consider:

Breathe (Breaking Benjamin)
Here We Are (Breaking Benjamin)

With nobody in your bed, the night is hard to get through

I'm finding myself with ample time to share my thoughts as I can't sleep at the moment. I've got a test at 9 and I don't know if it's indifference or anxiety that's keeping me awake this particular night. I guess I've been a little preoccupied lately but the last week or so I've been sleeping pretty well. It's been nice. But now, now I'm thinking about things. I've got this song that makes me sad stuck in my head. And all at once I feel happy and alone. I don't know what it is. Since I've been ahead in most everything, I haven't really felt stressed about life, but there's some sort of nagging feeling in the back of my mind. I guess it's things like, Lance is coming to Rolla, but I probably won't even see him, let alone hang out with him. Add that to not having hung out with Aaron is a LONG time and thinking about what's supposed to happen after the conference is over and what I'm going to do when I finally go home. It's all little stuff, but it's all in a little cramped box in my head and I can't keep it closed lately.

I find myself staring in the mirror a lot lately. Not in a narcissistic way, but just looking at myself and trying to imagine what I'll be like in a year. I want to get out there and explore the world, but that means I won't be here anymore. And I wonder what I'll look like. Will I have that same bright-eyed but weary look about me? Will the worry lines disappear? Will I smile more? I don't know. It's complex and I don't completely understand why I'm even thinking about it, but it's there and there's not much I can do about it now.

I'm wondering if it's all in fates hands now.

The best gift I could think to give to you was to set you free - Senses Fail

I know you'll come in the night like a thief
But I’ve had some time alone to hone my lying technique
I know you think that I’m someone you can trust
But I’m scared I’ll get scared and I swear I’ll try to nail you back up - Brand New

Songs to consider:

Jesus Christ (Brand New)
Four Years (Senses Fail)

I'm through with playing by the rules of someone else's game

I'm still alive (in case anyone was considering a different outcome). I haven't been in a terribly bad mood since my last post. There were some tears, a lot of frustration and a violent urge to throw things, but the tantrum passed without any discernible difference to my friendships or surroundings. The conference is rapidly approaching, so I've been really, really busy at certain times, but absolutely free to sleep and do nothing at other times. It's wreaking havoc on my life. I did manage to get really ahead in my classes last weekend. I've got a test tomorrow and then the afternoon will be spent stuffing binders for the conference. THEN on Saturday, I get to go to St. Louis to have staff jackets fixed. At least I got my big paper moved back 5 days.

I don't really have any other updates, but I'm just here to say that...I am busy. Don't expect a lot of talk for a while. Leave encouraging messages though! I like reading them...

Songs to consider:

Defying Gravity (from Wicked the Musical)
Cell Block Tango (from Chicago)

I've only got forever and forever is fine

I think someone is sniping my nerves. I'm getting grumpier and grumpier every day and instead of trying to placate me and let me have 5 minutes to myself, everyone just keeps telling me stuff I need to do or stuff I need to fix or break. I am not here to make everyone else feel better about being busy. I'm here to make sure everyone is doing their damned jobs while still trying to get my own shit done. No one seems to remember that in addition to having this conference to run, I still have classes and other obligations. And every spare moment that I manage to use for free time seems to be criticized by everyone else. Seems to me that if I don't have any free time I might snap. Stupid people.

I'm so glad I went to the concert on Sunday. Otherwise, I would probably be much worse off now than I already am. At least I'm barely managing to get my homework done. Lucky too that I'm doing good still. I got a B on my US Diplomacy test and even though it's not an A, it's better than I would have done a semester ago. So I'm taking my good grades where I can get them. I seem to have an A in my hardest class and B's in the other three. Oh, well. I guess I need to be getting to class here soon so I can keep up with everything.

Hopefully I won't be insane by the time I bother to post again. Damned busy life.

Songs to consider:

Vegas Skies (The Cab)
This City Is Contagious (The Cab)

Our hearts will beat in separate rooms tonight

What to say. Things have been...slightly more than normal lately. A few days back I realized that I was a senior (for real this time) and that everything I'm doing is seriously the last time I'll be doing it. My last college halloween, my last MACURH, my last Thanksgiving break, my last Winter finals week. Last everything. It just sorta hit me all at once. And then my advisor asked me what I was thinking about doing when I graduated and that just added to my confusion. Frankly, I have no idea. I want to join the Peace Corps, but part of me wants to have a few months off and relax for once, but I know I'd get tired of that super quick. So I don't know anymore. I am running out of time.

In other news, I didn't do ANY homework this weekend. Not one tiny bit. I hung out with peeps, and I napped and I went out and stayed in. I went to an alumni dinner all dressed up fancy, then I hung out with old friends some more. Then today I went up to the STL and went shopping and then to the Rock Band Live Tour with Panic at the Disco, Dashboard Confessional, Plain White T's and The Cab. I do have to say that I enjoyed myself very much. I especially liked when Dashboard and The Cab played So What by Pink in this middle of Dashboard's set. It was pretty awesome. And then Panic ended the concert with a rendition of Shout. So great! The Cab was pretty cool for an opening. Let's face it, most opening acts are usually absolute crap and not worth paying attention to, but The Cab was pretty damned good. I even bought their CD. I feel it was a good investment. And I'm so so happy that Panic didn't suck. Everyone I've ever heard from that's seen them live says they suck. I guess they've gotten better, but I really enjoyed their set. Dashboard was awesome too. And Plain White T's had me the whole time. I wish I had their new CD but I plan to get it and Dashboard's latest when I get paid again. Good times.

At any rate, new music is amazing and fun times with friends. I know I should be sleeping and that I'll be dead on my feet tomorrow, but I feel that the day and tonight was worth the suffering of tomorrow.

Now I've got myself thinking about things again. Not anything too serious. But it's just one of those times where everything I do and say and feel weighs more on my mind than it usually does. I think listening to live music does that to me. Kind of like when you go to the theatre and see a really heavy on the mind kind of movie that changes the way you think for a while. I like that feeling. It helps take the monotony away.

But alas, I really must sleep. I can listen to The Cab and chill and hopefully sleep real good for 5 hours. I'm out.

Songs to Consider:

That 70's Song (The Cab)
Big Bad World (Plain White T's)

Shut up and let me go

Sometimes...when you're awake in the middle of the night...and making rash purchases on your iPod, you think to yourself, what the hell am I doing? Why am I playing Cro-Mag Rally and listening to VH1 at 4 in the morning? Why did I just buy a Britney Spears song? Why on earth do I need a piano application on my iPod? And then you realize...you're freaking bored! Who's awake at 4 in the morning? NO ONE! I mean, sure if you had a car you could go wander around Wal-Mart or go get a milkshake. But you're actually stuck inside...forced to cope with the situation. And maybe it's not so bad that you're buying things from the App Store and iTunes, because they are things you'll actually enjoy.

The thing is though, you realize that even though it's not a huge deal for you to be awake so late, you do still have class tomorrow. And it's so tempting to just...sleep right through them. You promised yourself you'd make it a whole week without skipping and you're doing good so far, but facing 3 hours of sleep and a whole lot on your plate for the morning, it seems fairer for everyone that you get a little shut-eye when it finally comes to you. Who knows? Maybe that extra sleep will get you through studying for that midterm you have tomorrow. Maybe it'll get you through CPR training too...even though you signed up without paying attention to the dates. Hmm. And now you think you've got to get your iPod in working order or heads will fly in the morning. And that's all you're really thinking right now. Except that...you regret now not taking a few sleeping pills six hours ago. Damn.

Songs to consider:

Shut Up and Let Me Go (The Ting Tings)
Hot N Cold (Katy Perry)
Piece of Me (Britney Spears)

I'm shameless. Don't judge me.

Is it going to end? When?

All kidding aside, I don't know how it is that I have convinced myself that I can survive this week. I suppose I felt the same last week and the week before, but every week comes around to the same thing. I make lists of things to do and sometimes have runs of constant work where I feel like I'm almost ahead, but then I fall right back into the mix and feel completely overwhelmed again. I took a mental health weekend and now I'm regretting it. I'm sure I would have been much worse if I hadn't done something for myself, but I hate having a huge list of things to do. BUT...my outlook is not so bad now that I've gotten a few little things out of the way. Left to do this week is a presentation, a midterm and another test I want to take early. And I want to take it early because I am supposed to go to a concert on Sunday and if I wait for the test on Monday, I'll regret the concert. But if I manage to squeeze it in on Friday, then I can have a little breathing room for the weekend.

So tomorrow I have to make a presentation (and practice it), write an essay for my midterm and finish a book full of 80 year old trial documents. Then Tuesday I've got a chance to get ahead. Maybe I'll do some studying then and lessen the pressure for the rest of the week. Or maybe I'll get a bunch of conference stuff done (mostly ordering things). At any rate, Wednesday I've got to hunker down and study hardcore for my midterm on Thursday. Then Thursday I've got to study hardcore for the Friday test. When I get to Friday, I've got homecoming to get through. I signed up to work sign in tables both Friday night and Saturday morning and then I signed up to be a hostess at the Alumni dinner Saturday night. So the weekend won't really have much time for homework anyway. Then the Panic concert on Sunday that I'm totally psyched about even if I don't feel it yet.

And after that....I start all over again! I don't think I have any other tests next week, or presentations for that matter, so I can focus on starting my historiography paper that I have to turn in some of next Thursday.

I'll be very happy when I don't have a conference and a bunch of class things to do and alumni events to help with on top of an attempt at a social life. I want to sleep and breathe and read books having nothing to do with history for a change. Four more weeks! Well, at least for one less pressure. Until then, one week at a time. One day really. Hmm.

Songs to Consider:

Justify (The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus)
The Unforgiven (Metallica)
Unforgettable Night (And Then I Turned Seven)

How I wish you could see the potential

Every time I fall in love I find myself staring at a blank slate. I think, "What is it that I love about him? What is it that I want? Where do I want to go from here?" It's new and it's awkward and it's unsettling. Where do new feelings come from when you're already trying so desperately to cover old ones up? How do you justify your reasons? Do you even need to? I find myself asking so many more questions than I really would ever want to answer.

Sometimes, life just stops. You're going on doing what you do and all of the sudden...you can't even tie your own shoe. You just stare at a wall and think about nothing. If you could record what nothing sounds like, it would probably be something like white noise. Calm and soothing, but at the same time, frustratingly blank. Even when you manage to get your shoe tied, you stop to pick up a plastic bag and then...there it goes again. This time you're staring at the vending machine. And you're not contemplating whether you want a Coke or a Sprite, you're hearing that nothingness again. When you finally get your act together, shoes on, bag in hand, you can't even make it out the door. You turn out the lights and drag your feet up the stairs, but you stop short. Where do you go? Should you stop her? Does it even matter? Can she tell that you're thinking too hard for a Saturday night?

My answer is simple: You go to her. Run up the stairs and stop her. It matters more than anything else right now. And yes, she looked at you and knew at first sight that you were thinking too hard about things; that you were hearing and seeing nothing when you sat there with one shoe on. I'm her, she's me. We're here. I wonder what you're really like. What's under that seriously mysterious gaze? What do you think about when you think about me? Good? Bad? Ugly? The best advice I can give you is this: Never sleep with someone until you know their mother's maiden name.

My answer: Harwell.

Songs to consider:

I Will Possess Your Heart (Death Cab For Cutie)

Your destiny may keep you warm

Keys of a piano. Shadows playing across my face, my mind, my heart. Loneliness is no longer a word, but a condition. Steering your thoughts and your habits. Careful to tread ever so gracefully. An off key. Unexpected, but surprisingly sensual. Small laughter punctuates the unsettling stillness of life. Attempting to express your love to someone who understands nothing can be difficult and inspiring. Humming lightness and likeness, wrapping flesh around flesh. Keeping secrets from yourself. Keeping eyes off of the bed next to you. Dreaming of a man, not a boy. Take note. Remember the bright pleasantries and dig in deeper. Don't expect to leave too soon. Stay out. Live life. Die young.

Songs to consider:

Stop Crying Your Heart Out (Oasis)

Yellow

Ready and willing, she lies. Lies to herself, lies to her spirit. She poses there, skin stretched tight, shivering from the cold and the fear. No light penetrates her eyes, no smile curls her lips. The cold, damp darkness that covers her is the only protection she can afford. Shameless now if not before. Cold, daring eyes measuring every inch. Sick triumph filling the deep smoky air around the scene. She would call it sadness if she remembered it had once been the opposite of joy.

Curling back up in the blackness. Clinging to the small squares of fabric afforded to her. Cancerous fear floods the floor. She realizes too late that it's not fear, but sickly yellow. The warm, wet cloying sick that shames her even now. She knows what comes next. The violence that greets her is not new. Carefully counting down the moments and secretly recording every thought and word and gesture. Soon she feels it's a pointless measure to take.

Days pass. Weeks. Months. Every day, all day. Like pennies in her mouth. A stone floor and a metal pipe. The squeals of mice in her bed. Sacks for shirts, slops for food. Blurry eyes, naked bodies. She can smell her death. She smells its ripe odor crawling inside of her. She hides it, but she knows it's there for all to see. The flash of lights, the whirring of the lens. Humiliation is a daily routine. Uncharacteristically feeble and withdrawn. No evidence of life any longer.

Careful to avoid the soot and the singe, she rises. She can not move of her own free will. She opens an eye and fills herself with humiliation once more. It's him. Can he be here? Can he see her life? She smells salt and hears the roar. Careful to move not an inch, she feels herself terrifyingly floating outward, upward, away. Into the fire and the sea and the sky. Could it be? Disposal of her sad, limp remains. Covered in yellow and shame.

Jumping free of the tide, washing the ash and yellow away. Feeling the drain of the nakedness and shame. Dawn breaks on her face and with it, the face of a new man. Uncertain, kind, hopeful. She refuses, but is forced out anyway. Suddenly there in the warmth and finally remembering what sadness is. Still careful to breathe. Still shy to touch and sound and light. The word free means nothing. Nothing in the heat and harshness of day and light. Nothing to be expected but more of the same. More shame and bitterness. More hate and fear.

All the same, but the sun is there. The air can be saved for breath. Instead of naked skin and camera lens, soft breezes and no men. Not the same, not the difference. Ever cautious of the wind. Never trusting the sly devil in her eye.

You're as subtle as a brick in the small of my back

It's amazing how freeing a thought can be. How anxiety can turn into carefree spirit. How venting and complaining can make the sun shine a little brighter.

My weekend started today and for some reason, even knowing all of the work I have to do, I feel energized and relieved. At least for now, for this moment, I don't have to worry about making it on time. Making someone else happy or appeasing someone else to hear a little less complaining. I'm in a singing mood. I just want to jump around and belt out terrible singing skills and just release a little delayed energy. And now I absolutely can't wait to go to the Panic concert on the 19th. I think it'll be a well deserved break from the monotony of a hectic life. I'll be able to sing and whoop and holler all I want and I'm sure I won't even be looked at funny. I'm okay with that.

I feel like having a photo shoot. Cameras and laughter and relief. Smiles and screams and tussles. Great seeping relief to feel human again. Enjoying the warmth of humanity and carelessness. Love and energy and sunshine. It all makes me smile a little more.

Songs to consider:

My Blue Heaven (Taking Back Sunday)
Atrophy (The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus)
I Constantly Thank God For Esteban (Panic at the Disco)
I'm Waiting (The All American Rejects)

Mistakes we knew we were making

I should be sleeping. Dreaming. Imagining. Glossing over the worries and arriving at conclusions too irrational to choke down. I should be reading, wondering, worrying. I should hold out for something better, something less critical. I should be saying good bye, kissing your cheek, taking your picture. I should remember the good with the bad and let go of the rest. I should judge you for what you are. I should think about second chances and lucky guesses. I should pace around. I never wanted to be here. I never wanted to think about how things should have been. I never wanted to watch you die. I could have had it all. Or I could have had nothing. What is it that I have now? Love? Peace of mind? Contentment? Or is it restlessness and resentment? Could I have held on longer? Tighter? Closer? Could I have been more serious? More carefree? Could I have laughed longer and harder and louder? Cried longer, harder, louder? Should I smile? Should I die? Should I follow you into the dark? I should. I can. I will.

Songs to consider:

Mistakes We Knew We Were Making (Mae)
What Sarah Said (Death Cab For Cutie)
I Will Follow You Into The Dark (Death Cab For Cutie)

I tried to be chill, but you're so hot that I melted

I miss them already. I didn't cry, but I do feel bummed about it.
I found a picture. It'll be my secret, I swear.
I'll sneak peaks at it and I'll feel less sad and more sad at the same time.
I'm not grown up enough. I'm not ready for it. Not today.
I wish I were. I wish he were too.
I don't want to hesitate no more.
I want to see like you. Like him. Like everyone.
I don't want to be complicated.
I want to sing. I want to smile. I want to feel proud.
And not for myself.
I want it for you. For him.
I want to be reasonable and irrational all at once.
I want yesterday and tomorrow and November now.
I don't want to let it go. I don't want to not belong anymore.
I don't want to change and I want to make it new.
I want to sit. With you. With him. I want to find you.
I want to know more. I want to be loved. I don't want to pretend anymore.
I want to give you everything.
I want him to notice.
I feel the heat, and the cold.
I can't win, but I hope to anyway.
I'm tired, and alive. I'm ending.
I've taken too long. I need something more.
I need you. I need him.

Songs to consider:

I'm Yours (Jason Mraz)
Banana Pancakes (Jack Johnson)

Just take a breath and softly say goodbye

Sometimes I find myself wishing I had someone to fight with. I know that seems odd, but I want that feeling. I mean, I want to know that I care about someone deeply enough to hate. I want to know what heartbreak feels like. I want to cry until it feels like I might die. Life feels so fake without loss. Trivial matters aside, I don't cry or scream or laugh. I just want to know what it feels like to be loved more than life itself. I know it's silly, but how can you appreciate love and happiness without sadness and loss?

Something symbolic happened today. It involves Play Doh. I bet you're wondering what it could be. Well I'll tell you. Anyway, my RBD retreat is this weekend. The RBD is now in town (tucked safely into beds) and we had our first business meeting tonight. Well, I ended up seated next to an unnamed certain RBD member for whom I have somewhat uncommon thoughts about. ::cryptic:: Well, Ben (our director) was starting the meeting and brought out a case of play doh. I called for the black one (cause you don't see that often enough) and the guy next to me asked for the white. So we're sitting there and he was like, mix these and see what they look like. So I took the two, black and white, and squished them together. At first, they made a marble pattern, but the longer I mixed them, the more uniform they got. Soon, it was all grey. Then I broke it in half and gave some to my neighbor. So we started out with two separate colors and ended up with the same. You couldn't tell where his ended and mine began. And that just...said something to me. I mean, now he has some of mine and I have some of his.

At any rate, I've just been thinking about the need for someone. Even if that someone is impossible to be with or out of reach. Even if that person would inspire fighting and walking away. I just...have this emptiness that needs filling. And right now, I would really like to have that void be a little less empty. Just to feel a little more human. Meanwhile, I just have to dream about being whole and hope it happens.

Songs to consider:

Here We Are (Breaking Benjamin)

A lack of color, part II

Tonight I saw a preview for a movie based on the true story of Nathaniel Ayers. It's called The Soloist and if I can, I'm making the trip to see it over Thanksgiving break. I'm already a sucker for plots heavily involving music, and when the movie can be rooted in something real, it inspires me. To do what exactly, I'm unsure. I tend to lose words when I have music. I mean, music can a lot of the time have words in it, but they are some one else's and as long as a song can express my feelings, I lack the ability to create my own explanations.

At any rate, in the preview, Bach's Cello Suite No. 1 plays throughout and it made me so badly want to just lay in a dark room and listen to that music over and over. The Cello, to me, represents a lot of melancholy in terms of music. It's slow and sad and the sound is just deep. So every time I hear it I become amazingly introspective. I just want to pretend like the world doesn't exist for a while. It feels like being cleansed. And listening makes me want to learn how to play so much. I have this feeling that if I knew how to express myself through an instrument, especially a cello, I would somehow feel more at ease with the world.

In other news, I almost ran over a kitten on my bike outside of the RC. If you see and oreo running around, it's likely the same kitten I encountered. I also bought Iron Man (which has nothing to do with being introspective) and I watched a news piece on a documentary called "My Fake Baby." If you ever want to be slightly disturbed by the news of grown women who play with $4000 life-like baby dolls, roll on over to the BBC and watch what they have to say. Seriously...creepy.

Songs to consider:

Cello Suite No. 1 in G Major (Bach)
Cello Suite No. 2 in D Minor (Bach)

So when I hit the wall, I really hit the wall

I haven't been angry lately. That sounds simple enough, but it's strange behavior to me. School's been rough, people have been inconsiderate, unkind and irritating and I've been just the same. So now it's odd that I can't stay angry. I become injured by the actions of others and I can barely stand making them feel guilty about it. People are stupid and uncommunicative and I let it roll off.

I think I'm just tired. The lines start to blur and you just can't hold on to one emotion or another. I should be doing something else, but the song inspired me to take the time to write down my thoughts. They aren't particularly stimulating, but hey, who said they were for you?

My theory of college killing me is so far holding up. Over the weekend I cut my ankle open on a rusty pipe and managed to bruise a rib...in my back. And I've run into a door or two. Heh. I'm just a klutz. Except the pipe and the rib thing. Those were totally not my fault. But I still think that the moment a diploma is handed to me, a meteor will fall from the sky and strike me square in the head. And I'll die. And I realize graduation is inside, but it will puncture the roof and still hit me in the head. Nothing has proven me wrong so far.

I was reading someone's thoughts on a penguin documentary where a penguin walks off into the mountains (to it's most certain death) and someone's comment about the significance of such an act struck me as slightly profound. Plus, I agreed with it, which helped quite a bit I'm sure. I don't know who the person is, but here's what they said:

"Every path we choose in life leads to our death, I think [that] is the biggest point here. Many of us reach points in our life where we know home too well, know our local waters too well, and just have to head out onto the TGreat Everything Else."

In struck a chord. I guess that's that.

Songs to consider:

Overweight (Blue October)
Memories in F Minor (Chronic Future)

"There's a self-destructive meaning in the bleeding of a guy
It's the guilt of what reality has given me
Making sense of all mistakes and my stupidity
And when you're sick you seem to think
You've failed eternally"

"To the friend that I love who has different roots of blood
You are the earth that makes mud that comes from rain that made the flood
We cycle in and out of what our lives are capable of
And through it all I thank you for teaching me below and above"

There is something I've been meaning to do...

I am dying to tell you.

I've been careful to look about me lately. To feel the warmth of the sun and the coolness of the air. I've stood under the falling rain thinking about how I should feel. I find myself staring. Staring at a book, at a face, at a picture. Thinking about where to go next and what to do. I feel too serious, too safe. Curled up in my own warm bed at night. I don't like sleeping. I simply do not like it because I have to wake up. The days seem better at the end. At the end when everyone is quiet and I can think and feel a little less in conflict with my surroundings. I read books. I read too imagine myself away where I can do what I want and be who I want to be. I listen to music to make the humdrum noise of ordinary life seem less forceful. I dream. Every night the same. I dream of myself and of others. Sometimes I remember going to the moon or I dream of a man that doesn't exist. I dream of a boy. Not a meet cute boy, but a boy that is of my flesh. One that is whole within me. I dream of traveling. I dream of helping others. I wake to find myself struggling to get through one more day. No one can help. I'm here to go it alone.

But I do not find myself wholly unhappy. I do not find misery lurking with every sunrise or rowdy alarm. I feel as if every class, every meeting and meal and conversation is a challenge. They remind me to be human, to be humble and whole. Who am I to complain? I do feel alone, but alone is not as bad as it seems. I have a bed and books and warm sunshine. I have my bicycle and my colorful posters and my work. I can play and eat and breathe freely. I can think. I can say what I feel and I can manage myself without too many sacrifices. No one else can be me, but I can't be anyone else either.

I feel the harsh lights on my eyes and the heaviness of my misaligned shoulders. I feel the pain in my hands and the quiet in my heart. I'm still too serious; ill at ease with myself and with those around me. Judging. The best I can hope for is careful forethought and balance. Too often it is forgotten that we're all here and really, there's not much we can do about it but make the best of a bad situation. You'll think me pessimistic. I don't really care. At the end of the day it's just me. Me and my thoughts and my warm colorful life. And that's all I need.

Songs to consider:

I Spy (Guster)

I'm still a rock star

It's not often I find time to contemplate a singular human being. I've written several times of a person, but I generally find that it's easier to create someone to feel a certain way about rather than hold those same views over a real person. It's also easier to write about an imagined foe than someone you truly view as dangerous to your mental well being. More and more often though, I find my thoughts and feelings directed to a narrower audience that affects how I interact with reality on a daily basis. It's not always the same person, or the same trigger, but repeated guests in my daydreams happen often.

And yet again, I find myself escaping to abstract thoughts and random strings of meaningless monologue in my head. Noting that I rarely find myself feeling comfortable when sharing my feelings, I have developed a good way to release those feelings without involving another person. I dream often and I find myself enjoying those moments sometimes more than the waking moments of my life. In my dreams I can dictate when bad things end and how whimsical my adventures can become. In my real life I find it difficult to always see a silver lining. I'm not saying that I prefer dreams to reality, but I do enjoy escaping the monotony and stress of living.

So I find myself changing history around a bit. Too many ifs for the present and future, but it's relatively safe to go back and change things around. I'm at a crossroads now and my only problem is knowing which way to go. A few abstract thoughts rooted in reality:

I feel the glare of the monitor on my face. It's harsh rays can only be likened to a harsh winter sun. Few thoughts pass over me, but the ones that manage to escape are not filled with longing or desire. Nor of dread or dreary. I simply find myself wishing for a more comfortable chair. I try to be quiet, but every keystroke sounds like a bowling ball hitting the pin. I'm not alone here either. I slowly take in the audible outside world with it's croaking and chirping. Sometimes the roar of a compressor numbs my senses for a while. The laundry is turning over and over and I can just imagine how bored those pants are right now. I feel the warmth of breath on my arm. Not from a human, but from a strikingly perceptive puppy who I feel a certain respect for and a bond to. Her person sighs heavily and turns over in his half-awake stage. I wonder how loud the keys are to him? His toes are curled up into my leg and I can feel his absolute warmth and presence inside of me. No one will ever be him. I respect that. I look down the road and really wonder why he's here. Is it love? Laughter? Sheer presence? I can find no reason for such a companionship. Where will the road take him? My eyes drift closed and I find myself wonderfully and utterly at peace.

Songs to consider:

Defying Gravity (Wicked Musical)

And soon everybody will ask what became of you

I've often about why people come to expect certain things from you. For instance, if you were a good student that got A's in high school and had your pick of good colleges, people are surprised if you struggle to remain an average student at a state university. It's silly to assume the same results from a new set of circumstances. No one stops to take into account that you've grown older and other things may have become more important to you since your days slaving away as a top honor student. You've got more friends and more freedom. You've got choices as well. Do you want to work on that cool looking solar car or do you want to sing in the choir? What about theatre or improv? A service organization? Campus ministries? Residential Life? So many choices!

What I really want to ask these surprised people is, what was your life like when you were 18? 20? 22? Did you leave your parents' home knowing that in 20 years you wanted to have a corner office, three kids, a bored wife and a 30 year mortgage to pay off? No. Who wants that? You want fun and spontaneity. You want to go to the bars and vacation every spring. You want to go bowling on a Tuesday, stay up til the sun rises and procrastinate on a huge assignment.

I don't think it's fair for people to assume that just because you have life goals when you are 18, that means you'll have the same ones at 22. Take me for example. Let's measure the difference between being a freshman and being me now. :)

Then v. Now

Age: 17 vs. 22

Friends: Kayla, Christina and Matt vs. Jacob, Stacy and Aaron

Major: Aerospace Engineering vs. History

Dream job: Astronaut vs. Humanitarian

Favorite clothes: Jean shorts and a blue tee vs. stripes and khakis with a hat

Computers: None vs. 2 Dells and a MacBook

Driving: Permit vs. full license

Music: CD Player w/ ~40 CDs vs. iPod Touch and ~75 gigs of digital music

Ideal School Break: Watching TV at home vs. 3000 mile road trips

Phone: Calling Card vs. Cell phone with unlimited texting

School involvement: NONE vs. Conference Chair and general seasoned ResLifer

Stage experience: Frightened to death vs. Dealing with it

Make-up: What's that? vs. Frequent user (with style)

Common sense: Lacking vs. Thinking the freshmen are silly

Body modification: Clean vs. 4 tattoos and a few piercings

E-mail: Once a day vs. open all the time

Musical taste: *Blech* vs. AWESOME!

Social skills: Timid vs. Pretty much wherever I need to be

Sleep habits: 8-9 hours a night vs. 5 if I'm lucky

Attendance: Every day, on time vs. I'll get there when I feel like it, if I even have time at all

Job: Clerical assistant in Math Dept. vs. Computer Lab Attendant

Amount of clothes: Barely half a closet vs. Two closets, a whole shelving unit and a few drawers

Confidence: Pretend vs. Cocky

Overall: A lot more prepared for the world and sure of myself than I was at 17.

Proof that not everyone knows what to expect when they say what they want out of life after leaving home.

Songs to consider:

I WIll Possess Your Heart (Death Cab For Cutie)

You keep me coming back for more

Quick sidenote/update from insomniac city. The new Maroon 5/Rihanna collaboration is genius. In a time where music is starting to sound the same, I really appreciate something surprising. I am in the middle of my late might ritual of watching Insomniac Music Theatre on VH1 and this video came on. I was instantly drawn into it and loved it 'til the very end. I even went online to watch it again. I'm a fan of Maroon 5 and although this collaboration wasn't something I had ever thought about, I'm thoroughly impressed by how well they work together. That's really all I had. Sweet dreams my devoted readers.

Songs to consider:

If I Never See Your Face Again (Maroon 5 feat. Rihanna)
Free Fallin' (John Mayer version)

These stories don't mean anything when you've got no one to tell them to

I've been considering a few things lately. Have you ever wondered what dictates your personality? Is it your circumstance? Is it the clothes you wear, the music you listen to, the company you keep? Does it have anything to do with your family and your hometown? What about your high school? Middle school? Primary school? How is it that two children can be given the exact same upbringing and become two people who wouldn't be recognizable as relatives save their shared genetics?

What is it about me that makes me, well...me? Do I exude some sort of presence that no one else possesses? Do my natural talents and quirks enable people to get along with me more? And why have I encountered a few choice people who have determined that I will be their enemy and nemesis? I have yet to find a cause for friends and enemies, but as long as I have more of the former, I will count myself lucky.

I've also been thinking about a persons ability to do certain things. For instance, I am very good at remembering random facts and numbers. I could tell you a lot of birthdays and dates of importance, I can do simple math in my head about as quickly as someone can punch it into a calculator and I have yet to find a way to give my mind some rest. I even dream nearly every night. But I am terrible at inferring the emotions of others, terrible at editing papers properly and talking to a large group of people still terrifies me. I am also bad at romance, can never completely glean all the proper information out of a book and I lie far too often for it to be a healthy habit.

My point is, where do I really come from? I started as two cells and somehow came to be me. A whole person who dreams of being someone important, but who is terrified at presenting herself to others. I was born to look the way I do and talk the way I talk and I don't think anyone could really convince me that my upbringing had anything to do with it. I do wish to be more fit and to be more feminine at times, but at the end of the day I can look into the mirror and appreciate the little things that make me me. I like the curl in my hair that won't do anything I try to get it to do. I like that my eyes aren't the same shape and even with all the problems it causes, I like that I have trouble sleeping because it makes the hours I do sleep all the more important.

That's all I think about. Well, not all, but all for now.

Songs to consider:

The Story (Brandi Carlile)
Warwick Avenue (Duffy)
I Will Possess Your Heart (Death Cab For Cutie)

Do you know that everyday is the first of the rest of your life?

It's funny how doing something for yourself can make you feel like a whole new person. I went and got my hair cut today. And it wasn't just a trim or reshaping, this was, "Holy hell I chopped off all my hair!" I love it and it's amazing, but I'm not used to the lightness of it yet. I'm seriously considering a new color too. Probably black (I haven't done that in 6 or 7 years). I'm excited. Now I get a whole week of shocked faces and comments. I love it.

Songs to consider:

Black Horse and a Cherry Tree (KT Tunstall)
Hey Lady (Thriving Ivory)
Cath (Death Cab For Cutie)

Don't tell me where the road ends

Sometimes life makes you wonder if all you have to do to get over an impossible hurdle is to jump the gun? You know, convince yourself that's you've hit rock bottom and that you have nowhere else to go but up? That seems to have done the trick. A few minutes of sobbing and absolute misery before the sun starts to shine again. The realization that I don't have to move or find a new job or change the conference in any way makes life seem beautifully serene. I'm really just enjoying the little bit of peace I seem to have finally come by. It's hard to say it, but instances like this really help me have a little faith in the world.

On the reverse of that, I feel completely isolated now. I see with two eyes and hear with two ears, but the emotional connection I used to feel is frayed and possibly broken. I just feel like something is unsettled. If you've ever seen a storm coming when the sun is still shining, you might sort of understand how it is for me. It's hard to be worried when everything seems fine, but you know something is coming your way and it won't be easy for you when it comes.

I've still been listening to Thriving Ivory. I still read what people write, still remain undecided on the upcoming presidency and still dislike the highs and lows that seem to upset my life all too often. I should go back to my favorite book again. It gives me a perspective I can't get from reality. It reminds me of a "game" I played once during a training session I was in for a job. It was called, "It could be worse." Basically someone says something bad that happened to them and the next person says "It could be worse" and says something bad that happened to them. I always think about that when I have a complaint that seems petty to me (even if it's a big deal to someone else).

I'm about ready to let all this worry go. It's bad for my mental health and maybe with the changing of the seasons will come with a greater appreciation for the little things: jacket weather, colorful leaves, a good book on a rainy day, shoes.

To end, a few lines from a song that gives me perspective:

Am I another slave now to the screaming in my head
Or is it a little strange now, how the moment's gone and fled
Oh, brother I gotta tell ya that something here is wrong
Oh, brother I gotta tell ya this place ain't what I thought
-Aliens

Songs to consider:

Chasing Pavements (Adele)
After Tonight (Josh Nozuka)
So What (Pink)

Times up

I've simply run out of options. I am so sad to think that I can't stay at school and finish what I've started, but the fact of the matter is, I simply don't have the resources to stay any longer. You add that to the desire to be gone from here already and I've really got two very different emotions ripping at me. I really want to accomplish something with my life. Something no one else has done in my family and I can't do that because of money. Plain and simple. Falling between the cracks is just a terrible way to end up and I seem to be finding myself deeper and deeper within the cracks of the system.

No one will let me borrow money to pay for school, and school doesn't allow me to live cheaper or to work enough to pay for classes. I've been offered zero incentive to be here and the only reason I've held on this long is because I feel an obligation to see this huge project through. A degree is backseat to this conference and even though I'd love nothing more than to run this conference and obtain a degree...nothing and no one can help me at this juncture.

I just told my advisor that I'll have to leave by the weekend and that was a lot harder than I imagined. It was like admitting defeat. The system finally brought me down. If only I had the money, I wouldn't have to worry over being here. I need a job, and a vacation for my mental health. I need fresh air and calm. None of that is here. I can't afford to leave either. That's the absolute worst part of it too.

Where will I go? I've been offered a place to stay, but that also hinges on finding a full time job (which I could probably do in Rolla). Then there's the matter of paying off loans in about 6 months. Everyone wants their money back even when I don't have enough money to finish what they financed in the first place. Seems like a huge waste of time and money to be here. I have had a lot of good and bad memories here and forged a lot of lasting friendships, but none of that seems to hold poverty at bay.

I can go one day at a time, but right now, the days are numbered. Friday is day zero and that's just too close for comfort.

You look a little unhappy about the way the world is turning

This time it's not all in my head. At least when he sings it I believe him. And he tells me she says I won't end up like him. I sure do hope so. No one wants to end up like their worst aspects. Not like the hidden shameful parts of your mind. It's hard to admit they even exist, and your worst fear is that you will turn into that shame and hurt and pain.

I don't want to be unhappy. I want the days where the fighting is all in good fun and the memories aren't of tears and regret, but of smiles and warmth and laughter. Today I saw someone content. He was sleeping and I just couldn't help watch him. I know that's a little odd, but when you can tell by the look of ease on someone's face when they are dreaming, you feel like there's hope for you too.

When I remember the sunny late afternoons where sleeping is common and soft sounds do nothing to disturb the dreams of your loved ones, I think there's more to life than what is right in front of you. I can't help feeling weighed down by all the things people expect from me, but I know that one day, no one will expect anything but love from me. I wish I had that now, but I do believe that I'll have it one day.

I want to wake up to someone's face. To see him looking at me like no one else looks at me. Sunshine streaming in through the window, the warmth of the covers over my body, the soft stare of a lover. It's what I'd give up a lot for. If I fell in love and had to decide between that love or a life of fabulous riches, I'd be right there...living my modest life full of love.

People call me a pessimist, but I think I hope for more than people realize. I don't parade it around like a challenge for myself, but I quietly consider in every time my life becomes still and slow. One day, I think, I'll have everything.

Songs to consider:

Alien (Thriving Ivory)
Unhappy (thriving Ivory)

Don't tell me if I'm dying

Oh my goodness! So I know I fall in love with new songs, and even old songs a lot...but this one was just absolutely fantastic. I was chillin' after breakfast flipping through the channels on TV and decided to hit up VH1 to see if they were still playing music videos (my favorite part of late nights and early mornings). SOOO...I come upon a music video by Thriving Ivory called Angels On The Moon. I don't know if it's really, really new or not but...I'm completely in love with it. I think that has a lot to do with the lyrics and the sound and just the general overall feel of the song. It's like, knowing what you want without wanting it...and seeing the good even when the only thing in front of you is the bad. It pretty much encompasses my entire personality from my personal perspective. I love it, love it, love it. That's all.

Do you dream, that the world will know your name
So tell me your name
Do you care, about all the little things or anything at all?
I wanna feel, all the chemicals inside I wanna feel
I wanna sunburn, just to know that I'm alive
To know I'm alive

Don't tell me if I'm dying, cause I don't wanna know
If I can't see the sun, maybe I should go
Don't wake me cause I'm dreaming, of angels on the moon
Where everyone you know, never leaves too soon

Do you believe, in the day that you were born
Tell me do you believe?
Do you know, that everyday's the first of the rest of your life

Don't tell me if I'm dying, cause I don't wanna know
If I can't see the sun, maybe I should go
Don't wake me cause I'm dreaming, of angels on the moon
Where everyone you know, never leaves too soon

This is to one last day in the shadows
And to know a brother's love
This is to New York City angels
And the rivers of our blood
This is to all of us, to all of us

Don't tell me if I'm dying, cause I don't wanna know
If I can't see the sun, maybe I should go
Don't wake me cause I'm dreaming, of angels on the moon
Where everyone you know, never leaves too soon

You can tell me all your thoughts, about the stars that fill polluted skies
And show me where you run to, when no one's left to take your side
But don't tell me where the road ends, cause I just don't wanna know, No I don't wanna know

Don't tell me if I'm dying
Don't tell me if I'm dying
Don't tell me if I'm dying

Songs to consider:

Angels on the Moon (Thriving Ivory)

I will love you when you're blue

I drew today. Drew a picture of how I think you see me. Grey and white, lacking definition, lacking perspective. I'd blur the edges if I were you. Making sure to leave a slight trace of care without saying too much. Sloppy hair, shrugging shoulders. Only asking one thing: What am I to you?

Songs to consider:

What Am I To You? (Norah Jones)

The only one who's got enough of me

Should have been thinking about class. Teachers and bright lights and construction. Long lines, last minute meetings and signatures. Instead I sing. In my head, aloud, alone. Eight hours of work and all I know is a soft country song and a harsh, cold life. I wish to cry. To feel, to clear myself of a burden that should not be my own.

I think about picking up a guitar and plucking at it's taut strings. Should have listened when they told me not to give him my trust and love and spirit. Should have waited longer. Should have told myself no. Again. And again.

Controlling the tide is like asking the sun not to shine. Irreversible. Can't teach myself to trust. I should look at you and see what I hate to see. We could have it all. But there's another. She's close and so haunting. He loves her. He's unsure why. He's here with me. Waiting. Wishing. Hoping. Careful not to trip on his own lies. Cautious around me as if I hold the grenade.

I dream of you. Measuring the distance between reality and fantasy. Staring at the pictures on my wall. Shrugging off your penetrating glances. Serious, but unaware. Fake. Hollow. Dead.

Songs to consider:

Teardrops on my Guitar (Taylor Swift)

Don't complicate it by hesitating

My eyes are stained. No matter how I rub and clean and scrub, there's always a tinge left. I'm beginning to think it would be easier to look hollow-eyed and pale. Who says I have to care? Maybe that's part of me now. Stained eyes, raw skin.

Every time I think back to the nights before, I remember how ridiculous it feels to be that person. You know, the one that notices the little things that shouldn't be happening. The one that doesn't say anything. The one that pretends that sleeping next to him will somehow make everything better...even if you're both thinking about the others.

I've gotta ask myself though, who is he? I certainly don't know, and I can't even be sure someone else will know either.

I ate Oreos last night. Add that to my complete lack of nutrition for the day (two eggs and half a pack of sunflower seeds) and you've really got me in no state to be rational. We talked about truth or dare. We didn't tell any truths and we certainly didn't dare, but we thought about what we would say to cover up the lies. Careful to tread lightly and not become suspicious of ourselves.

Fingers smell of pomegranate and cigarettes. Ever feel tempted by that? By the odor and the thickness and the intensity? Of course not. Who would admit to that?

I'm careful to avoid his eyes. I feel that he knows more than he lets on. And when would I ever find the courage to swallow his lies? My digital ink is...dried up. Careless and blank. Like ash.

Songs to consider:

As Lovers Go (Dashboard Confessional)
Northern Downpour (Panic At The Disco)

Take this pink ribbon off my eyes!

I keep having these dreams that kinda weird me out, but I'm pretty for certain that I only have them because I have a secret desire for the events to actually happen. Most of the dreams center around me having children. And I've expressed my thoughts on motherhood previously and now I'm just thinking it's always in the back of my mind and it's finally seeping into my subconscious. It's weird how that works. But yeah...every dream is the same. I inadvertently become pregnant by a friend (already weird considering the friend) and I have a freak out moment and the only person I can think to tell is Kristi Schulte. That's probably the weirdest part for me, but oddly, the one that makes the most sense. I guess I'm better at talking through difficult situations with her. Anyway...so she gets me all calmed down and them I have to tell my friend (and in the dream we are never actually together, we just happened to get a little more involved one time) and surprisingly he doesn't freak out. He just takes it and starts being all grown up and thinking about what we have to do. So the dream continues on and we find out we're having TWINS! I mean, seriously, it's way too detailed (but I've dreamed it like five times now).

Anyway, twins...and then the dream fast forwards to us being all graduated and having babies and they are both boys and they both have names and we move in together and have this weird normal life with jobs and babies and a house. Sometimes the dreams vary a little too. One of them we told our parents together. Another one we had more kids and got married and moved to Seattle. I mean, these are seriously detailed dreams. I sure do hope they are not premonitions. Not that I would protest having children with this particular guy, I just don't think I want to have kids right now...and certainly not as the result of a non-relationship encounter.

So yeah...anyway... Mostly I just wanted to write it all down so I could maybe stop dreaming about it. Last year about this time I had a series of dreams with another friend being the main character and after I finally told him about them (one of my more embarrassing revelations) I never dreamed about him again. I really don't want to tell this other guy I keep having his babies in my dreams, but I'm sure it would be absolutely hilarious if it came to that.

I really only had that. I'm lacking a lot of material at the moment, but maybe once school finally starts back up I'll have more to share. We'll see.

Songs to consider:

Just a Girl (No Doubt)

The Wasteland

I've been reading a lot of poetry lately. Not that I'm a huge fan or anything, but I do have an appreciation for it. I myself have written a fair few lines, but nothing that I would think to share with anyone but myself. I'm always looking for a line or two that will dig at me, make me feel like I know something no one else knows. It's harder to find those lines than you might think. Just today I was reading T.S Eliot. He's not particularly profound to me, but I think he knew what he was doing. It makes me feel better sometimes when I realize that other people have had words to share and they don't make the most sense. Gives me a sense of belonging.

In other news, I've started working again. Back at my old computer lab job. It's not the most rewarding of jobs, but it gets me by. The freshmen moved in this weekend and although I'm frightened of their relatively young ages (born in 1990) and they are afraid of my pink hair, know-it-all strut and tattoos, we're so far getting along just fine. I've set up I don't know how many wireless networks. About 5 guys came in at once today and none of their computers wanted to work. I eventually got all but one of them to work and they left happier than they came (save the one).

This morning, after I showered, I fancied a caffeinated beverage. So I snuck down to the lounge where the check-in was happening and got one out of the machine. No one really noticed me walking in, but after a minute my friend Stacy goes, "Tori?" I answered her and she was all like, "I smelled you." Everyone laughed, but hey, at least I smell distinctly good. She couldn't see me as I was standing behind someone while attempting to retrieve my soda.

I'm finding that my friends rely on me more than I think I notice. One of them shared a pretty unique thing about themselves with me the other day and I was, quite frankly, surprised that they trusted me enough to talk to me about it. I think it made them feel better knowing that I would already be accepting of them no matter what. That was a pretty cool experience. I also keep talking to my male equivalent. His name is Ryan and he's pretty darned hilarious. Our only major difference is that he's in theatre and he's good at it. I, myself get stage fright at the mere thought of standing in front of people. I've got bad nerves.

I'm also enjoying my friend Matt fake hitting on me. Last year he was convinced that I dreamed about him naked, so he likes to bring that up whenever possible. I enjoy playing with him and it mixes things up a bit after such a monotonous summer. Fun times.

At any rate, I'm going to continue on with my pretzels and online conversing and I'll see you crazy kids later.

Songs to consider:

Angels Cry (The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus)
Justify (The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus)

This world will never be what I expected

It's amazing how the time passes quickly when you finally don't want it to. I find my last day of apartment living was actually my first day of healthy socializing in a very long time. I spent my entire summer with the same people, doing the same things. Now that people are returning to this...adopted town of mine, I am getting a lot more attention than I've gotten used to. I find it odd that people automatically think you've been gone as long as they have. They are enthusiastic about returning and wanting to know what your summer was like when really, you were there the whole time.

With all the hub bub of moving back to campus and seeing all those fresh young faces, my world seems a little topsy turvy. I also met the male version of me today. And it was weird and kinda scary. Creepy too, just for good measure. I feel like I should apologize a little for being so cynical and overly sarcastic, but it was refreshing to meet someone as open to being less than optimistic as a lifestyle.

I think that I am looking forward to the start of a new term, but only in a social sense. I miss the people and the random goings on, but I could do without all the work. I was setting up my schedule and I dislike when I have to fit in 5 or 6 long meetings a week in addition to classes and work. Seems to just drain me of all my non-existent energy. In other news, the conference is 86 days away from being over. 86 days away from the conclusion of a two year chapter of my life.

Maybe I'll feel accomplished then, because I certainly feel nothing as of now. I'm sure it doesn't help to have everything be nearly intangible. Hard to grasp mental work over physical results. 86 days.

As for graduating, I almost don't care anymore. I just want out of here. Far and away. And I'm sure once I'm gone, I'll wish to be back, but I'll let that day come when it does and for now just let sleeping dogs lie.

Words to remember: "A sober, straight face gets you out of your clothes."

Songs to consider:

Never Too Late (Three Days Grace)
Me vs. Maradona vs. Elvis (Brand New)
Hallelujah (Jeff Buckley)

I can't erase the stupid things I say

I've been a little better lately. I've been taking my alone time in stride and just waiting it out until I have something physical to do again. I've been spending a lot of late nights up playing computer games or watching old TV shows lately. I think that helps the day go faster when I'm alone. other than that, I don't know.

I've been on a Breaking kick lately. They are just so good and even if they don't sound happy, their energy helps me to feel better. I've literally been listening to them day and night for four or five days now I think. Better than some other things I've been listening to lately. Hmm.

Last night (or very early this morning), a friend and I drove out into the country to watch some of the Perseid's meteor shower. It was nice sitting out in the cool quiet night and just chatting while we watched for meteors. There was a really awesome one too. It literally looked like it hit the atmosphere and exploded. The streak it left lasted for several seconds. That was pretty worth it. My friend and I had a nice conversation too. We talked a lot about things we felt guilty about when we were kids and why we kept secrets from our mothers. It's weird how we both do it even though are moms are almost completely opposite of each other.

I think I wanted to talk about more than that, but I didn't think about it enough before hand, so I didn't share much else. I have this fear of saying things that I think people would judge me for. I don't care what people think usually, but I don't give them reason to judge me any more than they should.

In other news, I keep dreaming about my friends' families. It's strange to me because I generally don't see these people, but I still keep having dreams about them. Maybe it's cause I think about my friends when I sleep. Some more than others. But that's beside the point. :-P

I'm thinking it's time to start considering packing to move back to campus in a couple of days. I don't know if I'll actually pack, but at least thinking about it is one step closer. A small, baby step. But at least it's getting there. :) I'm out.

Songs to consider:

Here We Are (Breaking Benjamin)

Why give up, why give in?

"Living is hard enough without you fucking up." - Breaking Benjamin

This love, this hate...it's burning me away

One day I'm going to have to explain why I am such an angry person. I just don't know how much longer I can successfully suppress feeling violent and angry. I've spent so much time being apathetic and trying to stay calm and laid back that I think one day...I'm just going to breakdown.

I know people sense that I get very angry, but it's always just below the surface. I don't know what to do about it really. I felt so good these last few days. And I know it has a lot to do with feeling important to the company I had been keeping, but that's pretty much just how I work. And I guess I just got used to the attention. Today I spent my whole day anticipating hanging out after midnight. I even took a nap so I wouldn't be tired. I did all of this because I was invited (or so I guess I just assumed) to a party out somewhere with a friend and his co-workers. He forgot. I waited 8 hours and got left.

I'm hoping I wouldn't be the only one angry about that because I feel completely justified in my anger. And maybe I should have expected less because this happens to be the friend that forgets me a lot. but like I said, I guess I just got used to all of the attention over the weekend.

I hate being angry and alone. I just stew and simmer and stay awake longer because I can't convince myself to just let it go and sleep so I feel better tomorrow. I want to tell him why I'm angry. I think he's a flake and I want to tell him to just be upfront when he says things because I don't like being strung along. My self-image suffers much more when I am left abandoned. I can psychoanalyze myself enough to know that I only project apathy because I'm afraid my anger is part of the reason I get abandoned. I'm really insecure about that kind of stuff because it happened a lot when I was a kid.

Maybe I should just say that. Upfront tell people that they need to make sure I know we are or are not going to hang out because at least I won't feel abandoned if we don't. I want him to text me back. I'm a loser I know, but I think that's an easier thing to come to terms with being angry all the time.

Songs to consider:

Knife Called Lust (Hollywood Undead)

It's nights like these that we all love living

I've rediscovered Chronic Future. I had a thing with them last fall, but I guess they just fell off my radar. I really do like them. I found someone else new too. Well, not someone, but a band. Hollywood Undead (which I keep trying to refer to as Hollywood Underground for some reason). They are pretty fantastically differently awesome. Refreshing, I'd even venture to say.

While entertaining myself with this new discovery (only credited to a friend who texted me and suggested that I listen to them) I started up conversation with him and eventually that led to the hanging out that happened just recently. I'm tired of being couped up with my roommates all day...their monotony is worse that mine. So I convinced the poor boy with an ear infection to crawl out of bed to hang out with me. I mean, we do that all the time, but there's generally more planning involved. We listened a bit to HU when I got to his house and decided on a movie to watch.

American History X. One day (because I'm a history major) I'm going to write a paper with that title and talk about social injustices just to prove that they are every bit as important as things that happened ten, twenty, a hundred or a thousand years ago. Someone has to understand the history of today. It's very important. Anyway, I'd seen the movie before, but he hadn't, so we popped it in and settled down with strawberry yogurt and grape juice (don't ask my why it was coke and buttery popcorn). I had forgotten a lot of the details of the movie, so it definitely affected me just as if I had never seen it. The dialogue sometimes makes me feel uncomfortable because I don't think or feel at all like some of the characters. It's pretty harsh and stark and intense. I try not to think about it. But the scene with the curb makes me turn away and I feel a little sick because of it.

I cried too. At the end. When Danny dies. It's just not fair. At all. It's the story though. You learn a lot from shame I think. At least that character did. Something changed, and it was for the better. Hmm.

After the movie, we talked a little about friends and relationships and whatnot. Nothing intense or important, but it was a nice conversation sitting in the dark and the hot. I miss those conversations. I feel like old friends. We used to be so great, and we're just now recovering from the fall. I value him that much more though. It's all about the follow through. We'll be okay.

Alas, it is time for the sleeping. I have arranged to "help" work on his car again tomorrow. I look forward to it. Something I don't do with anyone else. It's just special that way. Recommendations below the cut. Out.

Songs to consider:

Dead In Ditches (Hollywood Undead)
The Black Dahlia (Hollywood Undead)
No. 5 (Hollywood Undead)
Wicked Games (Chronic Future)
Much Like Falling (Flyleaf)
Ur So Gay (Katy Perry)

And I liked it!

Time for a small break from the monotony of being hardcore crazy.

I've broken a little since yesterday. Got some work done, helped work on a car (haha, I know) and took a great long shower. Now I'm listening to a little bit of Flyleaf and little bit of Katy Perry. Not quite the same, but I guess I'm in the mood for some decent singing by girls. Something about their voices make me feel better. A little anyway.

Anyway, I'm not entirely sure why, but I'm kind of looking forward to the weekend. Nothing in particular is happening (since I was too poor to go up to Chicago) but seems like it might be an okay time. After "helping" one of my friends work on his car earlier this afternoon, I now have the desire to do it some more. His housemates are gone for the weekend, so maybe I can convince him to let me hang out and work on his car with him some more. I might even cook something. He's been sick lately, so it might do him some good to relax.

Uh...yeah...I don't know. I'm kinda sad to be missing lollapalooza, but it can't be helped...I'm just too poor. I look forward to getting back to work in a couple of weeks so I can have money again. It'll be all okay then. I've also decided I want a tattoo that is partially on my back and partially down my side...but for that, I have to be less chunky. So my goal is get flatter somehow. Sounds weird, but I think it's a respectable goal to have. That means it's back to the gym for me starting Monday. Probably no more soda or shitty food either. I think I'm aiming to get the tattoo after my conference is over. As a reward or something. So that's my goal. And that'll totally help me look freaking awesome for the actual conference and I'm betting I'll get some praise from my neurologist too.

I like being complimented so I'll just have to remember that every time I feel too lazy to get out of bed and get shit done. I finally got my second wind for the summer. God I hated my life for a while. My roommate is cranky as shit because all she does is work at a job she doesn't really like, then come home and study for the MCAT. She's a got a lot more discipline than I have, but I still can't wait for her to get the test over with. It's this coming Wednesday and she moves out on Tuesday. I'll have the apt to myself for a week and a half. I can finally blast my music, stay up as late as I want and walk around naked. Well...maybe not that last one, but it'll still be more freedom than I've had for a while. I'm used to either vacating the premises or shutting myself up in my room. I need to be free!

I guess that's pretty much all I've got. I admit that it was a lot, but I've got to find some more music to play so I don't keep half-listening to the Stargate episode that's playing in the background. Peace.

Songs to consider:

I Kissed A Girl (Katy Perry)
Sorrow (Flyleaf)

The very worst part of you is ME

Silence can be the worst thing a person could hear. You become part of the background, no different than the fan or the hum and glow of your computers. It’s at those points in time where I lose myself. I stare into nothing, only vaguely aware of being alive. My hunger has returned. It’s clawing at my insides, raging at me for forgiving its absence. I ignore it. I figure that I should punish myself a little longer for enjoying the pain and emptiness. Today was the day that I decided I wasn’t unhappy, but there is certainly a factor missing in life that would allow happiness to thrive. I can’t be both, but I still can’t even manage to be one. I feel the tenderness of my swollen arm now. I should have decided yesterday that chasing light poles was much the same as chase windmills. I guess Don Quixote never learned, so why should I?

When I have money again, I will tattoo something absolutely fucking profound all the way across my back. If I were thinner and prettier, I’d think about putting something on my side. Down the ribs. Just to feel the pain. A broken wing tip or a set of claw marks tracking down my back. Something that people just…feel. Tracks in the snow. Lovingly tracing down my spine, onto my tail.

Today I wished for love. I wished for sex and happiness and the pain of heartbreak. I saw the jagged edges of broken glass. Picked up a piece and traced it down one arm and up the other. I felt the warm stickiness of the blood. Bright red and flowing from me so freely. The pain was unimaginable. It felt alive and real. It felt like love should feel. Excruciating.

I’ve decided to write about a friend. Not as a friend, but as a lover. The way I see him in my mind, through my eyes. I want to write honestly and brutally. To tear him open and wear him like a snakeskin. He will be a martyr to my cause. I have become afraid of honesty and truth. I’ve become a hypocrite to my own cause. I don’t deserve the righteousness I have convinced myself I have. I say I won’t cheat, but I’ve never had the chance to. How would I really know? Is it a lesson I could learn from? Loyalties can become divided. I’ve witnessed it first hand. When you are center stage for your own coup d’état, it’s hard to deny such faulty people exist.

Have I become more coherent? I’ve asked less of you today. My reality has blended with that of my surroundings. I can admit that I am cynical and selfish and lazy. But only for now. Would you want to know a person who could be that honest? Why does he keep asking me about myself? Who is that curious? I keep thinking about that cat. There’s a reason he has nine lives. He wouldn’t live past infancy otherwise. I tell him I don’t want to be judged. Where can I go where that won’t happen? He’ll always be there. Asking. Assuming. Understanding. I can’t stand it any longer. Would it be better if I told him what role I wanted him to have? Lover? Husband? Saint?

Would he forgive me? Accept me? Love me if he knew? Would you consider yourself intimate with me? Reading and accepting my thoughts and my despair. Would you consider me a lover? What about a friend? The very idea of a stranger meeting another is appalling to me. Who can accept fate that way? Ride the waves into the sun soaked sky and breath breathlessly while chance is taken away. When did I become a bitter person? Use my lack of talent and charm to become hateful to the world? Quick wit and a sharp tongue are my only tethers to reality. I secretly hope for a drunken phone call or a message proclaiming love and loyalty and sin. He’s unsure about pride and lust and sloth. No one remembers those anymore.

My only hope is that humanity will give back to me what I rightfully wish to claim. Not happiness and love and all the delight one could possibly stand, but a deeper understanding of pain and rejection and loneliness. I want to be taught to feel ugly and incompetent. I want all of that in exchange for him. No more part time lovers and full time friends. I want it all. The dirt under his fingernails, the shivering lips and hot breath. Every imperfection and annoyance. No sunshine or love. Just the raw feeling of sweat and anger and fear. Trembling from a touch. Shame and hollowness. All of it. Could I love that way? Live that way? Die that way?

Songs to consider:

Listen to Collision Course by Linkin Park and Jay Z, you might learn something.

Close my eyes, let the whole world pass me by

I’ve stopped eating. It’s fifty percent mental, but the other half of my reason is physiological. I think about food and feel a cloying in the pit of my stomach, as if I would reject any attempt to digest anything solid. I feel that way about life too. About the only things I can stand right now are fluid. Thought and heat and the dim light of my back door window. I’m not sure if that’s understandable at all. Hidden away here. Doing nothing to rid myself of the frantic irrationality of my thoughts. I often wonder if anyone would miss me. Could I just…go? Leave here and never return? What would they do if I abandoned them? Would they look for me or try calling out? Can I plausibly leave this place behind in its entirety? Would someone else take me?

Last night I walked away. It felt like forever, but it was just two blocks. The swing in the park. Watching the mist and fog ebb and flow under and over the smooth asphalt. No one there to inquire as to my thoughts. I drank in the glow and warmth of the television. The taste of the sweet popcorn and the stickiness of the alcohol. I thought about love and jealousy and pride. Someone likes me more. For now anyway. And that takes its effect on that of another. Do you feel proud to make another jealous? To push just far enough to know they watch you? The smile parts my lips ever so slightly. No one knows but me. Look at my eyes. Small. Purposeful. Full of disdain and secret loathing. I hate myself more than the stars. More than the freedom of the poor.

Could I bleed into the night? Disappear forever? Would they find me on the shores of some endless ocean? Catching fish, delusional from the salt. Could you see me there? Under the sun, baking away. I always wanted to look like I’ve earned it. Brick skin, dry and peeling. Freckles that go on forever.

Where can I find the pain to feel? I ran across the path of another creature last night. They were frightened of me. Beautiful in their fear. But curious. Cats always are. Watching me more than I watched them. I stopped after that. Thought about what would happen if I got hurt. I think about that a lot. What if I fell down the stairs or ran into a car? Would someone notice that it was on purpose? Did they see my futile attempts to damage a light pole? What about the damage to my mind? Can someone tell I hurt and ache? I can’t speak to them anymore. Too much happiness and thoughtlessness to mind. Clamoring across rocks and fields and streams. Under the rays of light to bright to penetrate. I tried to call out, but the words left me and died in a puff of dirty ash. Can I concentrate so hard that I explode across the tracks? Carry on forever on the wind?

Do you know if he’ll miss me? Would he look and see that I really wasn’t here at all? Just a figment. No one knows what a figment is. Delusions of grandeur, harsh salty waves. Can he feel me? Hear my thoughts? Feel my warmth? Can he sense my desire? Can I live like this forever? I’m gone. Can I convince you of that much? Remind you I was never here? Create a falsehood in your mind? Would you drive yourself to the edge just to find me? Or would you leave me? Mindlessly wandering the hills just beyond civilization. Condemned to forget I ever existed.