Everything I could give is everything you couldn't take

I realized tonight that I forgot a few things.

One, I'm not terrible with people. If I put my mind to it, I can actually entertain and be entertained by new people. It's funny how I forget that I can be personable and witty and hold the attention of others. It pleases me to do so well.

Two, I am a good writer. Well, sometimes I don't think so, but when I muster the courage to share my writing, I always get positive feedback and that makes me feel a lot better about enjoying the whole art of writing.

Three, I wrote journal entries over winter break and only ever posted one. So to continue the trend, albeit, a little late, I shall include backlog #2 for your reading enjoyment.

With that, I think I've got few other little things I'd like to write before I sleep tonight, so I'm going to get back to that now.

Songs to consider:

Miserable At Best (Mayday Parade)
Yellow Cat (Slash) Red Cat (Say Anything)

Backlog Journal Entry #2 (26 December 2008, 11:37 PM)

Today had me thinking about alone time, about how much I wish for it when I can’t have it. I’m essentially stuck inside this…box with four other people who don’t care that they sit around and watch TV or play video games or sleep all day and don’t get one ounce of privacy. I suppose it’s not something that bothers a lot of people, but it bothers me. When I finally dragged myself out of sleep (I’d say bed, but I don’t actually have one of those), it was noon and something like sixty degrees outside. That’s right, sixty the day after Christmas. Absurd, one might say. So I pretty much bolted out the door once I managed to strap shoes on my feet and took off on my bike to enjoy the rare warm winter day. I hadn’t really given myself a chance to take a bike ride in a really long time so I naturally jumped at the opportunity. I ended up riding around some random road I didn’t know existed that looks straight out of a small country town. The houses are spaced far apart and the drives are all gravel. There are even a few places with horses and all other manner of farm life around. It was pleasant to get some fresh air and have a little bit of an adventure. I think I rode about two miles by the time all was said and done. It’s not much, but it felt good regardless. And since it was icy yesterday and sixty today, it was very wet out. I felt like I did when I was a kid riding my bike around after a big storm just to find all the big mud puddles to ride through. Though this time I avoided all manner of puddles, I still got pretty muddy what with all the water still on the roads. Sometimes I think it would be nice to have a splashguard on my back tire, but it’s so retro that I’m usually glad I don’t have one. At any rate, it was nice to get out for a bit and escape this box for once. It’s beginning to drive me mad that I can’t just go into a room and close the door and spend some time alone. Right now I’m having a hard time not feeling completely annoyed that I can’t just go for a walk or close a door to be by myself. I’m being forced to listen to a petty argument that makes me just want to grab the phone and hang it up. It’s so unnecessary sometimes to argue with people that I just don’t understand why it even starts in the first place. I would normally write to let out my irritation, but since that’s what I’m doing now and it’s just making me angrier that I can’t keep my focus, I might need to stop. Oh, well. I suppose that’s my cue to be proactive and leave my thoughts in my head for now. Until later…

Songs to consider:

So Cold (Breaking Benjamin)

The only thing worse than not knowing is you thinking that I don't know

Strange, but I haven't felt bored lately. Seems trivial, but I'm used to feeling bored all the time, so to not recall the last specific time I truly felt bored is a rare thing. It's probably all psychological. I only think I'm bored when I want to do something and there's nothing to do. I'm not bored now because all the stuff I want to do is right there to do whenever I feel like doing it. Like, writing or reading or watching a movie. It's all there to do anytime I want it.

In other news, my first event is tomorrow. For those of you who are now confused, Welcome Back Night is tomorrow and I am the director of the committee that paid to bring a hip hop performer to campus. This was all arranged before I was the director, but it's the first time I'll be in charge of an event and I'm a little bit apprehensive. I'm sure it'll go fine, but I'm not used to working with bands or anything like that so it'll be a new experience. :)

For now though, I'm just going to listen to Fall Out Boy and think forward to the concert on my birthday that I will be enjoying.

Songs to consider:

7 Minutes In Heaven (Atavan Halen)
Brown Eyes (Lady Gaga)

Someday we'll want what's better

I'm doing well so far in my resolve to feel healthier. Swimming seems to be my weapon of choice, but it's supplemented by several other, less pleasant endeavors. I'm discovering new muscles in places I've never hurt before, but it's all part of the satisfaction I feel, so I've really got no complaint there.

The weekend was...quiet. I'm both glad for it and slightly irritated by it. I could have done more, but it felt okay to not do anything important. It's good for my mental health, I've decided. All the activity I managed to do this weekend has made me extremely tired and more focused at once. It's a strange feeling to want to do something more at the same time your body refuses to expend more energy. It'll work out though.

I had the chance to re-watch a favorite movie of mine this afternoon. It's about a game of dare that lasts the characters' entire lives. They just one up each other and at times, they hurt one another and betray their obvious feelings for each other. It's both fascinating and sad to watch, but it ends ideally, even if somewhat oddly and that makes the whole thing worth it. Plus, it's a french language film so you've got to work for the story which is much more satisfying I think.

I think I should probably try to fall asleep now. I am going to attempt a 20-30 minute run tomorrow, so I want to be rested up for that.

Songs to consider:

Someday (Plain White T's)

And if you are interested in the movie, it's called Love Me If You Dare.

Beat but I'm not broken

Today was just like yesterday. I think the only difference was...I didn't care that it was ordinary or uninteresting, I just went through it and never felt the need to complain about anything terribly important. Maybe it's always just one little thing here or there that makes an ordinary day worth the trouble of getting out of bed to deal with it. Today, I started a new book. I only got through chapter 1 before I ran out of time to read, but somehow that was enough. Then, I got to take minutes at a meeting. That might sound like the worst thing ever, but when I write minutes, I tend to add in little things like how people are talking or how people are reacting to the situation at hand and that makes it incredibly fun. It's not so much taking minutes as it is narrating a small portion of time for other people's enjoyment and education.

Anyway, the day went. I bought the complete works of Oscar Wilde and now I eagerly await it's arrival so I can immerse myself in a person's writing that I actually enjoy, understand and sometimes relate to. Til then, I'll just keep creeping people out when I walk around singing out loud. Try it, it can be a good time.

Songs to consider:

Misery Loves Its Company (The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus)

I must confess, I'm in love with my own sins

Today is...too ordinary. Woke up to the snow, wished for the rain and the warm and the sun again. I bet that when the snow blows away for good I'll wish it was back, in my face, in my hair, under my cold feet. Listened to the world change, didn't help it along like I should have. Learned something I didn't care about, couldn't bring myself to resent the useless information despite my best attempts. Came home too hot, too tired. Cold pizza, warm despite my best intentions. Dirty laundry, literal and figurative. Guilty pleasures, secret amusements. Water from the tap, not quite what I wanted, but better than I asked for. Bright lights, work, mundane. Bite marks in my skin. On purpose, out of boredom. Will I write, will I forget? No. Not today. Music. Thoughts. Pi. It's 3:14.

Songs to consider:

America's Suitehearts (Fall Out Boy)

I'm half doomed and you're semi-sweet

I'd say I was getting tired of my moods being forced to swell and burst if I wasn't swelling with joy just at this moment. I got kicked off the RBD...again. Twice in one week must be a record. After feeling annoyed for ten minutes, I realized that I didn't care and in fact, now I have more time to devote to my book, which actually makes me happy to think about. Then...as if I couldn't feel any better today, someone told me that Fall Out Boy was going to be in Chicago on my birthday! Which is the day after the last day of classes and I am going no matter what! I would sell my right lung to pay for it if I had to. Heh.

Anyway. Fall Out Boy. May 9th. Chicago. I will be there!

Also, my book is coming along nicely. I'd say it'll be about 67 pages by the time I sleep tonight. That is, if I don't add any more to it tonight. If I do, it might have 70 or so before I pass out. It makes me extremely happy to write something that isn't completely about me or my worries and such so I'm going to keep writing until I can't anymore. Wish me luck!

Songs to consider:

Disloyal Order of Water Buffaloes (Fall Out Boy)

We just wanna be whole

I'm feeling some inexpressible emotion, like...frustration and...impatience and...something else I can't even understand. But I'm not frustrated or impatient with anything that I can verbalize. No person or thing has given me reason to feel these feelings, so I'm at a loss to describe it. The best I can do is to explain it away by blaming myself for the frustration and impatience. I'm not sure if that'll help at all, but...maybe.

These first weeks of school are always weird to me. I mean, it's the same every semester, but it's also completely different and complicated. I don't have homework, my meetings are swift and work is just about as boring as always. I feel compelled to continue in my quest to write a book, but I'm always afraid I don't have the time to devote to a real effort and thus lose all the potential writing time while I worry. A conundrum.

I think I will try though. Writing makes the rest of the world feel like somebody else's problem. I'm wondering how much I'll get done by the time conference season comes around. It's always busier this time of year and I want to see how much I can get out of me before I become too distracted. I've got the weekend, with it's extra day, to work. I'm confident I'll get something done, even if it's more editing.

Songs to consider:

We Are Broken (Paramore)

A little distraction is all one needs

"Oh as I was young and easy in the mercy of his means,
Time held me green and dying
Though I sang in my chains like the sea." - Fern Hill (Dylan Thomas)

Magnets

Not wanting to be ridiculously early for work, I ate my breakfast slowly, one Cheerio at a time. Then, when I’d washed the dishes, I arranged the magnets on the fridge into a perfect line. Maybe I was developing obsessive-compulsive disorder.

The last two magnets — round black utilitarian pieces that were my favorites because they could hold ten sheets of paper to the fridge without breaking a sweat — did not want to cooperate with my fixation. Their polarities were reversed; every time I tried to line the last one up, the other jumped out of place.

For some reason — impending mania, perhaps — this really irritated me. Why couldn’t they just play nice? Stupid with stubbornness, I kept shoving them together as if I was expecting them to suddenly give up. I could have flipped one over, but that felt like losing. Finally, exasperated at myself more than the magnets, I pulled them from the fridge and held them together with two hands. It took a little effort — they were strong enough to put up a fight — but I forced them to coexist side-by-side.

“See,” I said out loud — talking to inanimate objects, never a good sign — “That’s not so horrible, is it?”

I stood there like an idiot for a second, not quite able to admit that I wasn’t having any lasting effect against scientific principles. Then, with a sigh, I put the magnets back on the fridge, a foot apart.

“There’s no need to be so inflexible,” I muttered.

- Eclipse

Every now and again

Today is a music day. I suppose, being the last official day of freedom before my last semester start, I feel the need to do even less than normal during a school break. It hardly seems fair that after I graduate, I have to be a real adult and work and pay for things and clean all the time. I do all that now, but there's still plenty of time to waste doing nothing now and again. Heh. I can't say if I'll mind so much though. I've sort of been tired of the school part of school for the last three years or so. I suppose I'll be both happy and sad to go when the time comes. It's weird to think about, so I'm just going to...not. At least for now.

But like I said, a good day for music. It's so nice to just sit here and listen to music and read a book and occasionally speak with someone about trivial things. Makes everything feel so...normal. I'm also trying to think about classes tomorrow. I don't even have my first class until one in the afternoon and the just seems strange to me. What ever will I do with myself before that? Especially since after one, my day is full up until midnight. I guess I'll have those feelings tomorrow night when my first day is over. :)

Well, I'm going to go back to artfully wasting my time. I may even rearrange some furniture...just to make the flow of the room different. Enjoy your Sunday, whoever you may be.

Songs to consider:

Fall For You (Secondhand Serenade)
Anything (Mae)
Hotel Roosevelt (Augustana)

I can't force these eyes to see the end

I was going to write something a little more lighthearted because of the good mood I was in. I was having an on-day with my wit and humor and it was making me happy to think about it. Then someone became irritating to me and now I'm in a edgier mood. Not a bad mood, just a little less witty and perhaps a little more sarcastic and impatient. I do hate that a bit about myself. I talked a little about that last night, but sometimes I really think my mood gets worse because someone bursts a bubble within me. It makes me feel more aggressive. It would be easier to understand if you could see the haste and roughness in my typing.

I'm trying to get myself back into a mellow mood, but it's difficult when I think about it. I feel the impatience in the way I have to drum my fingers on everything if I'm just sitting here otherwise motionless. I should really practice my stillness. I used to be about to stand for hours and not be bothered by it, but now I can't seem to stand still. Heh. I bet I'm amusing to watch when I have no patience. Constantly touching things or shifting around or having to have something in my hands to play with.

See? I'm better already. Silly mood swings. They only last a minute or two and now I'm back. I really need a snack though. Hunger makes me lethargic. I don't like that mood either. Enjoy.

Songs to consider:

Hallelujah (Paramore) --> I'm on a kick, so sue me.

I'm not so naive, my sorry eyes can see

Living proof that restraint is not only possible, but preferred. I have this nasty habit of feeling guilty when I express my anger to those who cause it, but if I can manage to be graceful about it and carefully avoid throwing a temper tantrum, I do actually feel good about myself.

Today was filled with a lot of ups and downs. I'll be the first to admit that I am hard pressed to control my emotions at times, but those mood swings are usually a more private affair and the cause and effect is not so widespread. Heh. I wonder what tomorrow will be like. Will it be as outrageous as today, or will problems solve themselves with a little more finesse?

One more thing. I have decided, and I am certainly not the only one, that the term "rules are rules" can only be used if you are a coward. If you disagree, I suggest taking a careful look at any situation where you did not want to feel guilt over rules being broken. I'd be willing to bet that you were the coward then and I can only hope you've learned from the shameful experience. I have, and I hope to prove myself right. I'm not be self-righteous or anything, but I know that this time, I'm right and there's not much more that can be accomplished after that fact.

I think it's that time where a little bit of music and heat need mix with my mental exhaustion to produce a healthy dose of restless dreaming, but still somewhat satisfying sleep. Until the conclusion of my next adventure, I hope this satisfies you.

Songs to consider:

For A Pessimist, You're Pretty Optimistic (Paramore)

Dis"chord"

Emotional: Arousing or characterized by intense feeling

Outburst: A sudden release of strong emotion

Restraint: A measure or condition that keeps something or someone under control or within limits

I'm finding it difficult to quietly contain the surge or sudden internalized hatred I am feeling right now. Shaking hands, shallow breathing, irregular heartbeat, sweating. If it wasn't for the look on my face and how tightly my jaw was clenched shut, I might be afraid of something. The piano usually helps soothe me, bring me back down from whatever emotion I am overdosing on. And if that doesn't help, a hot shower would be in order. Neither, sadly, helped me this time. And the worst part is, I'm so angry at myself that I could almost laugh out loud.

Scenario #1: Continue to ignore the person and be angry at yourself for missing them in the meantime.

Scenario #2: Respond, place anger where it is deserved, feel guilty.

Scenario #3: Pretend you are no longer angry, respond politely, kick yourself for being a pushover.

I think that's what I would call being stuck between two mental rocks and a mental hard place.

Solution: Practice breathing, write about your anger, feel calmer, pretend the angry outburst didn't exist in the first place, be happier.

Oh, thank goodness that actually worked. That my rare reader, was me going from intensely angry to calm and restrained once more. Heh, let us I hope I stay that way. At least until my unstated emotions can be resolved where and when it is appropriate. 'Til then...

Songs to consider:

Le Onde (Ludovico Einaudi) --> On repeat, it does eventually calm me

Just don't let me fall asleep feeling empty again

"Some things I'll never know and I had to let them go."

Living without the internet gives one a lot of time to waste. I did just that. I read and reread the same book approximately three times, watched about 40 hours of the news, slept like I was in a coma, went through a box of benadryl, took half as many showers as I should have, watched one movie twice and finally got to eat Thai food. I also enjoyed the two days during which the temperature reached 66 degrees, had one nightmare and maybe half a dozen dreams, cooked food too often and did not satisfy my recent craving for pancakes (despite having eaten them about eight times in the last two and a half weeks). In that time frame I also spent an entire paycheck on Christmas presents, gained a half a dozen new shirts (as if I needed them), was threatened to be punched in the face if I ever lived at home again (threat deserved) and finally got over my weird aversion to listening to music over winter break. I hit a car, got angry, cleaned house, cried twice during a three hour long movie, wished I could leave of my own free will and drank water from Wales. I tried to convince myself I didn't have an obsession, washed a month's worth of laundry...twice, and wrote more of my book. I slept on a couch, cuddled with a cat and went on an adventure with my mom. I wrote blog entries too. Five I think. And I will post one a day after my normal post for you all to read. Now I'm unpacked, hot and listening to some good music loudly to take advantage of the empty building. I think that's all. For now.

Songs to consider:

Pressure (Paramore)
Presume Too Much (Merz)
Pretty (The Cranberries)
Pretty (Ugly Before) (Elliott Smith)

And yes...those are alphabetical on my iPod.

Backlog Journal Entry #1 (26 December 2008, 2:04 AM)

I find myself thinking about age. What it does to a person and what a person does to it. Can it really be up to the universe to determine how our lives are changed year-by-year, day-by-day? It’s an odd concept; time. No one really knows what to do with it and we all seem to have too much of it and too little of it all at once. Years flash by like moments but a moment can last a person forever. I know that I can spend hours just dreaming up scenarios that will never come to pass, but I can hardly waste a second on other things that matter. I don’t want to be old. I don’t want to ever forget what time feels like, what it’s done to me. I think about living my childhood again, but it would still be the first time I would spend it as a child. I always felt out of place, at odds with nature when I was expected to be young and act young and now that I’m a little older, I wonder what it would be like to be so carefree again, to feel no worry or anxiety about what would happen to me. I can’t understand how I worry so much, yet so little. I constantly think about how bad things seem and how lucky I would be if I were a different person brought up in different circumstances. I wouldn’t be me, but would I appreciate my life more? I don’t know. I know nothing but the world I see with my own two eyes. I absorb things so thoroughly sometimes that I think I forget to appreciate beauty…and sadness. I cry when the tears come to me and laugh when I feel it inside, but I worry constantly that I don’t laugh or cry enough. Am I not compassionate enough? Am I too passionate? I can’t know because the only judge I’ve been given is myself. How will I know what to think if I’ve only ever experienced my own life? Is it so hard to believe that if things had been easier for me as a child, that my life would be easier as an adult? I don’t know if I can believe that anymore. I am the sum of all of my moments. My life would be entirely different had one thing in my past not happened. Who’s to say if that would make me more fortunate or not? I can pretend that life might be better, but why dream of the past? It’s not going to change for me no matter what I think. It’s funny to look into someone else’s life and see things you want for yourself…right alongside things you would never want to be burdened with. If you dream of fame and fortune, you lose your privacy and sometimes your sense of self. If you dream of being beautiful, you lose your freedom of choice. You must work hard to get what you have and if it’s not enough, you must simply work harder. I know I complain a lot; about not sleeping enough or not eating properly or having too much to do or too little. I pretend to hate being alone, but dislike being with people too. I ache and I burn and I suffer…just like everyone else. It doesn’t matter that I failed at one thing because it’s just another experience that makes up my life. Who knows what that failure will give you later in life. Something good will come eventually. Heh. I sometimes love being negativistic, and using wit and sarcasm to make a bad situation seem worse, but on the inside, I just want to feel better about being alone, being lonely. Like a schoolyard bully, I only want to be loved more, judged less. I’m inwardly optimistic and sometimes it bursts through my carefully cultivated façade and shows others that I’m not really so bad after all. I do wonder though, is it time that makes me who I am, or is this secretly how all people are?

Inspiration: The Curious Case of Benjamin Button