Never have I ever...

I hate loving my friends. I know that sounds weird, but I do. Why? Because I love people who won't love me back. They are gay or girls or taken and all that does is make me feel worse for feeling like they are important to me.

FYI, I'm drunk right now and I will say things I don't say normally. I love people. I can't help it. That also means I can't help but feeling hurt when people are mean to me. I don't like when that happens and it happened tonight. I may have been mean first, but I didn't mean it in the same way they meant it. I almost cried. And I don't like doing that. No one understands.

I'm not going to smile tomorrow. Not really. I'm too sad and lonely to smile. And I only want to smile for one person, and they are the one making me frown. I don't like it. I'm sorry.

Songs to consider:

Heart-Shaped Box (Nirvana)

Are we growing up?

I keep having these fantasies about how I want my life to look like. It's not the, I grow up and fall in love and get married fantasy, it's definitely my own. I imagine myself having a baby. Not falling for some guy and growing old with him and that junk, no...just having the baby. And ideally, the baby's father would be a gay friend of mine. I know that sounds very Will and Grace, but if you think about it, it makes a lot of sense for someone like me. I'm always wanting a relationship, but not really. I want someone to love and take care of but not so much deal with dramatically. I'm a pretty independent person...I just think I need to have someone that needs me. Strange, but I understand me.

Anyway, me and a baby. And we'd travel. Not doing God's work or anything, but helping. Helping the world. Just kind of...lending a hand where ever I am needed. And it'll just be me and my kid. I know you can't do that kind of thing for life, so when my kid starts being more independent, I'd fall for some guy that I've worked with and we'd "settle." Meaning, we'd be there with each other and my son/daughter would love him cause he's a cool guy, but they wouldn't call him dad cause that's just cheesy.

And one day, I'd come home. And my family wouldn't approve of how I'm raising my kid, but my kid wouldn't have it any other way and they'll think it's weird that their cousins stay in one place all the time. And I'll see my kid's dad again for the first time in years (even though we exchange letters) and my kid will love him and he'll be happy in his own life and successful doing what he does. And I'll never be married because I don't need someone else's title. And my kid will grow up and have their own kids and I'll be the coolest grandma any kid could ask for.

But there are sad things too. My mom will die one day and I will frantically fly back to the States to be by her side. And my brother will resent me because it's always him that's around taking care of things and he still thinks our mother loves me more. But it's never true.

And one day, not long after, I'll be too old to travel and I'll only see my son/daughter at the holidays and my grandkids will grow up too fast and I will die too. It won't be sad for me because I loved my life and wouldn't have had it any other way. And my child will weep for me when I die and I will have my ashes scattered into the ocean because it's as everflowing as I was.

That's how I want my life to be. I want to matter and I want to love and I want to be loved. And if at all possible, I want to make things better for someone else. Even if it's just for one person, it will be good enough for me.

Songs to Consider:

Sophomore Slump or Comeback of the Year (Fall Out Boy)

Is that what you call tact?

From left: Stacy, myself and Jacob :)

I daydream too much. In fact, I contemplate, consider and obsess too much as well. Overall, I just do way too much with my imagination and not nearly enough with my physical self. I keep just, hangin' in there. Not like there's any place for me to fall, but I still have to hang on so I feel like I don't get left behind. I'm not even sure if that makes sense, but that's how I feel.

I got to chill with my two best buddies of the moment tonight. I had a lot to do today and ended up sleeping through most of it because I felt pretty sick. Afterward I felt better, so I think it was worth it. The last couple of days I've slept until around 3 in the afternoon. I think it's more my body telling me I need to slow down than anything else. So I've been trying. Well, I haven't slowed down so much as destressed. Both last night and tonight I get to hang out with the cool kids and even if we didn't do much more than goof off and waste time, it felt pretty damned good.

Anyhow, the night ended on a high note. I'm hoping the weekend ends the same way. (I wanted to share a pic of my buddies, cause they are just that cool.) :-P

Songs to consider:

Change Your Mind (Sister Hazel)
Champagne (Sugarcult)

Rollercoasting

I don't feel like my emotions go up and down so much as my environment. I'm very prone to other people's moods and even when I'm having a good day, a friend in a fix gets me down quicker than a freefall. Like now, I'm not at all in a bad place. I may be a little tired and feeling a little overworked, but I don't mind either of those when I see results. A little hard work never hurt anyone...and it won't hurt me in the long run. I say that because it does tend to affect my day to day stress. Like, I have one friend who just...exudes emotion. Not saying they are over emotional, just that however they are feeling is how I end up feeling in a matter of minutes. It's weird when it happens. Cause I can walk in and be sullen and moody and if they are cheery or optimistic, my mood just...does a reverse. I know that's usually how it works, but...it's unnatural feeling. Even if I'm not dealing with said friend, however they are feeling is how I feel...and I think I do just about the same to them. It just depends on whose mood is stronger and whose will is ready to fight. I think I enjoy the connection, however odd I might find it. I'm fighting dependence to the feeling...but I think I've managed to balance out being close and staying far away. Not entirely sure where I'm going...but I'm still in the awake stage and felt like sharing for no particular reason. Who knows...maybe my next post will be about hating the world...but this one, right now, is about being okay with it. Yep.

Songs to consider:

Hello, I'm in Delaware (City and Colour)
Thriller (Fall Out Boy)

...

Why can't I say I love you and have you understand that I really do? It hurts that you aren't happy and I can't do anything to help. I know I'm not happy either, but understanding someone else's pain eases my own and you won't let me understand your pain. You can't hide behind your smile anymore. I'm in love with you and that's all I can do. I'm sorry.

Songs to consider:

Big Girls Don't Cry (Fergie)

Anthem

Have you ever like the world has come to a stand still, but all at once you go rushing into a brick wall? Too slow to way too fast. It's weird. Today's been like that. I've had the following feelings:

Like riding a rollerc oaster and being scared shitless, but knowing the thrill is worth the fright...only there's no thrill.

Like the world just...stops. Everything just...is there.

Like everyone needs to pay attention to you, because it's your turn to have the attention.

Like someone gave you a dump truck full of cement...then told you that you had to pull it behind you.

Like someone finally understands how crappy and emotional you can be, but without being critical of you for it.

Like you just want to...let go.

And all at once loving everything about everything.

I don't understand myself. Why do I love people so much? Why do they make me so happy and sad all at once?

It's like I'm Tigger...when someone is pulling on my tail and I'm annoyed because of that, but I'm still so...lovable. Who thinks like that?

Songs to Consider:

Bubbly (Colbie Caillet)
Anthem (Phantom Planet)
Don't Come Around Again (Rooney)

It's gonna be...

Things have been relatively okay lately. Won a few battles, but victory is still far from my grasp. I'm just missing the right kind of distraction. I'm happy, but you know how it goes...

I find myself thinking about more. It's always like that with people, don't you find? Always wanting more...

Songs to consider:

Lonely Day (Phantom Planet)
The Last Night (Skillet)

Burning Bright

I've tasted something sweet and now I can't have it anymore. It's one of life's real cruelties. I just want to keep something, anything, for longer than a moment. Moments are fleeting and even if they burn you, the feeling is gone too fast. I don't want to go. I keep distracting myself with strange things, just to pretend I'm happy.

Things that make me happy:

Plaid shorts
Ink pens
The sound of typing
Soft t-shirts
My tongue piercing
Finnigan (my penguin)
My Harley hat
Gay boyfriends
Kissing
Sharpies
Cereal
Accomplishing things
Driving
MUSIC!
Singing
Writing/doodling on my hands
Taking pictures
Stripes
Baby kittens
Cool nights
Rain
Warm sunshine on my skin
The way buttons on TV remotes feel
People running their fingertips over my fingernails
Playing with people's hair
Making funny faces
Laughing
Reading on a rainy day
Sunday afternoons with Jacob
Counting change
Lilies
Creeks
Cuddling
Sleeping next to someone I love
Thinking about people
Dreaming
Drumming my fingers on things
Poking fun at my friends
Falling in love
Throwing things
Texting people who are sitting right next to me
Sleeping in late
Chewing on pen caps
Drinking milk
Watching movies late at night
Adventures on school nights
Organizing things
People watching
Star-gazing
Traveling

Wow, I feel a lot better. :)

Songs to consider:

Seventy Times Seven (Brand New)

I'm a fool

Damn you to hell whoever it was that gave me the capacity to love those who won't love me back! Is it some cruel joke to have me like my best gay guy friend? Cause life isn't fair if that's the case. And the hilariously ironic part is, it took a completely different gay guy that pinned me to a door and made out with me to realize that that's what I really wanted to do to my friend. He's just so...yeah. It isn't fair to me or him. What the hell? I don't understand. I keep wishing and hoping that he isn't really gay, that he's just unsure about himself. Hell, I'd even been completely fine with him being bi. But no, he's gay and I'm a girl and the irony that is my life goes on.

Songs to consider:


I'm a Fool (American Hi-Fi)

Shining on

Life sometimes seems to culminate into one great moment of indecision. It's where you have to do something, but nothing seems to satisfy that desire. I feel like all the desire in me is restless. I want to jump off a bridge, drive a thousand miles and profess my undying love on national television all at the same time...and I can't. I took a shot of whiskey earlier and it's barely keeping me calm enough to write. I feel the darkness consuming me. I want to do things that require boldness. I want to be brash and tell people what I want to say for once. I'm not angry or bitter, but some people need to be told certain things and it's up to me to tell them. Who doesn't want the truth?

I want all of these things and I can get them, but at a price. Why is nothing ever free? You can't just have that night of irresponsible behavior where you drink beyond your limit, fool around with your best friends crush and wake up in a strange place with a new tattoo in a place you'd never get a tattoo sober. That may be exaggerated, but it's true. Since when is rational thought important? What does logic really have to do with anything?

All of this comes to a head. Wait it out, or dive right in?

Songs to consider:

Burning Bright (Shinedown)
Shine On (Jet)

Strumming my heartstrings

Have you ever wondered about the nature of things? Whether things that happen are fate or if you have some greater control over your life? I don't understand the nature of anything. I like to think I have someone degree of control over what happens to me, but so far, I feel like no matter how hard I try to do one thing, fate takes that away from me. I don't believe life is fair if something like fate has already determined what happens to you, but I can't prove otherwise.

Sometimes I think that if I actually tried harder to live a more simplistic life, the rewards I would reap would be exponential. I don't need anything I have to be happy. But I want all of the things I have because they serve to distract me when what I need isn't available to me. I can listen to music and play on the computer and talk on the phone and read books and look at pictures and decide what I want to wear because all of that distracts me from the realization that I am missing what is most important. And that is life and love and happiness. All of those things can be falsely obtained through religion and social standing, but can never truly be enjoyed.

Can't there be something I can do to reconcile my own unhappiness? Isn't there some greater understanding that I can stumble upon? While order is comforting to me, it prevents true happiness. And while chaos and spontaneity give me a sense of purpose, they just serve to throw me off in the grand realm of things. I can't say that no one understands, but I can feel that they don't. At least not until I have my chance to explain how I view life. I guess my whole life philosophy can be summed up as this: I don't understand.

Songs to consider:

Sometimes (I Wish)
Hello, I'm in Delaware

(both by City and Colour aka Dallas Green)