He wrote a note to nail to God's front door

It's not that I don't enjoy writing, really it isn't...it's just that by the time I get to a place where writing is feasible during my day, I'm just too tired and too lazy to pick a pen (or sit at the computer) to record my thoughts to share with whoever may be interested enough to read them. I only sit here now because it's Sunday and that means football. And since the Chiefs game is nearly over, it's a good time to take a few minutes and share that I am indeed, alive and well.

I got that job that I talked about in my last post. Started about 4 weeks ago and though it is way below my skill level and possibly one of the more boring jobs I've ever had, it provides me with the money I need to claw my way out of debt. It's looking good that, aside from my school loans, I'll be debt free by the end of January. It's just good that I am in a place that allows me to live relatively free of expenses. So there's that.

Life is decent aside from work. I cook a lot, clean here and there, but mostly just take it easy. I've been thinking of trying to find something to do a few evenings a week. Maybe a cooking class or one of those book clubs. I'd like to have a pool I could swim laps in, but I don't know my area of town well enough yet to have found one. Life's just pretty laid back for the moment. I'm looking forward to the holiday season and getting to decorate and maybe see some snow. It'll be interesting getting together with people for holiday meals with my family and/or Berto's family, but...things just happen how they happen. It'll be good anyway.

It's weird being an adult right now. Not being at school still hasn't really hit me, but maybe in a few more months it will. I don't know about taking classes in the spring, but if things work out, I'll probably start taking the classes I have left to take over next summer and into the fall. That's a little far off to plan out for now though. I'm learning that life can't really be planned out for more than a week at a time. That's okay for now. Things will change when they need too.

Hmm. I guess I really have nothing right now. No more than what I just shared anyway. Just working and living life and that's about it. The weather has been gorgeous the last few days, but I won't mind when it gets cold again. Back to football for now. :)

"Make the most of yourself...

...for that is all there is of you." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

I wanna make the most of myself. Opportunities don't make themselves. I still wanna finish school and learn to teach (odd thing to learn, huh?) and do stuff that matters. Like, travel and help people and then one day set up a fund to help other people learn to teach and help others. It's a very complex, yet simple desire. Hmm. We shall reserve plans for this for another day...one when I have more time to think about it.

But for today...I will share about my employment endeavors. This morning I had an appointment for an interview. This is how things went down:

• Stayed up too late last night, so I woke up tired and struggled to get out of bed and get ready in a timely fashion.
• I hopped in the car on time, but since it was raining and still the tail end of rush hour traffic, I was worried on my drive that I would get there late and set a bad impression.
• Alas, I got there with 9 minutes to spare, signed in and filled out a short application form before meeting with a recruiter (this is a staffing agency we're talking about here)
• Talked over my past employment with the recruiter and basically reiterated our phone conversation from yesterday, with him taking notes.
• Took a short series of typing skills tests to make sure I was in an adequate position to fill their needs.
• To my surprise, I was then given directions to the actual company needing to fill positions so I could talk to the site manager about specifics of the job.
• So I drive all the way back to Lee's Summit (from Downtown) and meet the guy there. He asked a few questions, filled in some more details about the job, then gave me paperwork to fill out.
• Turns out, I've now filled out all the requisite tax forms and other such things like I actually had the job. The manager took some more info and set up an appointment for me to go take a drug test.
• I drive over to the medical office, fill out more paperwork, wait for a while, then pee in a cup. At least the nurse was very nice and I did not feel as undignified as I remember from the last time I peed in a cup.
• I pass the test (there were no doubts) and the nurse e-mails the recruiter to let him know.
• Now I wait? There was mention of processing papers, then a call about a start date.

So...now I wait. I feel like it all went well, and I don't see a lot of places fronting the cash for a drug test or the time for you to fill out paperwork if they aren't going to give you the position.

It's just a contract job, 90 days, entry pay. But those things are completely acceptable given my previous failure at securing a job. And the plus to getting this gig is that if I do well and wish to continue working at a similar job, I can get turned over into a position that is permanent.

It's not ideal, or even what I want, but it's a place to start. So if I can get back up on my feet starting here, then here is where I will start.

Songs to consider:

Goin' Down (Three Days Grace)

I'll get lost if you want me to

Life's been a little rough lately. Not really physically challenging, but emotionally so. It's not difficult to list out the reasons why and how all of them could be potentially preventable, but that just seems like filing a list of complaints with a company that doesn't care. You find yourself wondering what the point really is. So I will not once again find myself merely listing off things I don't like, because, to be honest, anyone can list out at least a hundred things they don't like. Instead, I shall find myself (once again) pondering what it is I can do to make those dislikes either go away, or at the very least, make themselves cower into a corner so there is room for the things I do like.

It's almost October and even though I enjoy the fall, the chill in the air makes me weary. I look forward to the leaves changing and wearing jackets and hats again, but those seem like small positives to an otherwise dreary outlook on the season. So the potential good in this upcoming season could be my job prospect that I was handed today. It's not for sure yet, but I have an interview in the morning that holds a promising contract job through the end of the year. And seeing as cash flow is all important these days, I will take what is given to me and graciously say thank you. I will gruel through office labor 40+ hours a week if it gives me the satisfaction that I am not sitting and wasting away elsewhere. Here's hoping that the next time I muster the energy to post, it will be as a gainfully employed citizen.

In other news, nothing has happened. I mean this to say...nothing has changed. My living arrangements are quickly coming to a shaky halt. I don't know if I'll be staying where I am or trying to find a place of my own or risking moving back in with my mother, but none of those are concrete or really what I would like, so I'm really trying to push off the inevitable until I can no longer ignore what needs to be done. Maybe the next time I post, this issue will also be resolved. I find that I rely on the kindness of others far too much, and maybe that means I really do just need to cut off all charity and suffer through poverty and potential misery for a while until things start looking up. It's upsetting to think about it that way, but I'm thinking this is just going to be the painful part of my growth as an adult in the coming months.

I do look forward to a lot of things from day to day. There are people that can brighten my mood just by walking through the door and thankfully I see them often enough to push off any bad moods that crop up here and there. This may change soon, but I am trying to look at the change in a positive manner. Maybe if I have to rely on myself for happiness and contentment, my independence will push me through.

In all, I really don't know how things are going to go. I may get a job, I may not. I may move, I may not. But it all leads to me growing up, and as much as I don't want to do that the way I'm being forced to, it'll all end well for me I'm sure. Time will tell.

Lost In You (Three Days Grace)

I Don't Care (Apocalyptica feat. Adam Gontier)

Break (Breaking Benjamin)

Perfect eyes will have perfect aim

I've been thinking lately about jealousy. It's an emotion that crops up a lot for seemingly no reason and no matter how much I try to make myself see how irrational it is to be jealous of anyone/thing, I still can't help but feel it come back strong every once in a great while. I didn't feel it too strongly tonight, but I did have a bit of a chance to think over it and really, I still can't understand what there is to be jealous of. And to be honest, I wish it were an emotion I were a little less familiar with.

Lets look at my pathetic attempt at a hypothetical situation. Say you like someone. Let's call them J. J, thankfully, likes you too. This is great and you start a relationship. But before you do, J mentions a friend, K, that likes J, but J does not reciprocate those feelings. I think we've all been here a least once in our lives, or if you are like me, many more times than you would like to admit. Anyway, J tells you that K likes them and that they do not like K, but when you start a relationship with J, they must tell K that they are with you now and thereby let K down/potentially anger them. See, K says J was leading them on. But soon K seems to move on and now you and J are happily together. Only thing is, J and K are still good friends and occasionally you must hang out with J and K together and you get the distinct feeling that K does not really like you. But that's okay, because you don't particularly like K either...mostly because you know that K has/had feelings for J and you feel that J is yours and yours alone and that K should have no right to feelings for J. Confused yet?

Anyway, a while goes by and you and J sort of half break up. We'll call it a break from holding a relationship title for simplicity's sake. So now you and J are "friends" and you still hang out most of the time, but now K thinks J is back on the market and maybe K is still holding out hope that J will finally reciprocate K's feelings. You know for a fact that J is still mentally, if not officially, committed to you and you alone and they have no interest in K whatsoever. But J now hangs out with K more often due to the break in your relationship and you are jealous of the time you have to give up for K to spend time with J.

Okay. It's really stupid and I know I'm being dumb for feeling jealous. But that is something I'm finding I cannot help. About the best I can do is not mention to "J" that I am jealous of the time "K" gets to spend with them. But I still feel it. I still think about it. And it definitely still bothers me. I don't wish for this to be the case, but I fear that there really is nothing I can do. Dead ended in emotion once more. About my only comfort in the whole J-K fiasco is that I know J will come home to me even if we aren't together and K will be going home alone and that's just how it will be until K finds someone else to have affections for.

I'm just crazy, I know. It does not help that it's late either. Heh. But alas, I am done.

Anyway...concerts (Blink-182 and Bowling For Soup) were both awesome and I am happy with my weekend overall (even if I have two days left of it). Sleep now, more later. Hopefully no more confusing hypothetical stories either. Sweet dreams.

Songs to consider:

The No Seatbelt Song (Brand New)

Liar (Taking Back Sunday)

Always (Blink-182)

I hate...actors who seem genuine

Back from the abyss that is laziness. It sucks being so terribly lazy (in writing terms) that the most I can say I've accomplished is a series of letters to someone who will never read them. I've wholeheartedly neglected my journal, my blog, my book and my other writing endeavors (like all those short stories and poems I love writing so much). It really is a sad fact to know that I could have written volumes worth of practically anything in the last few months and all I've managed really, is a reading maybe a half dozen or so books, and writing probably 20 pages or less worth of any sort of more than crap material.

I could say that time has gotten away from me. Which, to be honest, works for about half the summer. I love to sleep and I take care of the puppies and depending on the day, I really throw myself into cleaning. Add those things to (Hey! It's 11:11!) the fact that anytime after 5:30 is a total preoccupation with dinner and hanging out and tv, then really, I've only really wasted a good months worth of writing. It's still a shame though. I'd slap myself on the wrist if I thought it would do any good. It won't, but one could hope.

In other news, I'm STILL unemployed. Still waiting for a couple of places to get back to me, but if I hear nothing by Friday, I'll start looking again. It's a sad day when I can't even get a job as a cashier. Oh, well. Aside from the lack of money thing and the being lazy (in writing) thing, stuff coming up includes getting my new phone (a BlackBerry Curve that I ordered just last night!), seeing Blink, TBS and Weezer in concert this Friday (!) and a few other things, like the doc on the 16th, VBall Tuesdays with the Aaron and the Heather and possibly a visit to Santa-Cali-Gon this weekend with my childhood friend Mike and his wife Susan. Plus! Say Anything is gonna be in KC on Oct. 21st and Berto already bought tickets for us to go. Add that to the fact that their new album comes out 8 days before and the latter part of October should be pretty spectacular.

I really wish I had a more normal life. I have plenty of routine and lots of fun things to look forward to, but a job and money and stability would really be nice. For now, I guess I'm still okay, but really, things must change soon. I need it. Bad.

All that aside, life is going pretty well. I wrote a new poem today and to be honest, it felt pretty good. Hopefully my next post will be full of bigger and better things than this one. Until then...

Songs to Consider:

I Hate Everyone (Say Anything)

Crawled out from the pain of yesterday

Really not in a good place right now in life. Sort of homeless, definitely jobless, and with both of those, still in debt. Not liking the outlook, but as I found out in a rather harsh manner, things can change very quickly and unexpectedly. The silver lining on life right now though, is that I at least have a job interview on Friday with QuikTrip and another potential job lined up at Commerce Bank downtown. That and I have good friends that are willing to put me up and take care of me for the time being, at least until I can get on my feet again. Looks like I might be staying with my mom though, for conveniences sake. But who knows? Maybe very quickly, life will go back to how I liked it and had it before. Just some normalcy would be nice. I hate roller coasters when they are made of emotions and decisions out of my control.

On another note, I've been thinking about "that spark" for the last few hours. You know, the one you feel at the beginning of a relationship. It's newness has you infatuated with everything about a person. You want to be with them and talk to them and hold them all the time and every hour feels like a million when you can't be together. I felt that, but not for too long. I mean, it's not like it went away completely, but it transformed into something else. Something...normal. Like, I was okay being away for 12 hours at a time, or the weekend. And I was okay not cuddling all the time or eating every meal together or getting along perfectly. I was okay with all of that; with not feeling that spark anymore, that newness. And I don't know if that's just how I felt or if that spark is supposed to stay there for a long time. I really can't figure it out. I just thought you felt it and then eventually, you didn't. But as long as there was still love and desire and all of that present, even in more subtle forms, things would work out.

Maybe I'm wrong, but I don't even know that. It's hard to feel lonely too. Like a part of me was left behind. And not just a small part, but a really big, important piece of life. Just left somewhere, alone, and waiting for me to find it again. It sucks. I don't know if that's how it feels to everyone, or if it's just me, but there you go. My spark made a flame, slow, but steady and bright. Trying to keep it lit just now.

Songs to consider:

Do You Like It (Our Lady Peace)

Alive...

With the glory of love?

Well, alive...but my life isn't quite like a song about The Holocaust.

Been a while (okay...almost 3 months, but still) so here I am...making you (all what, 2 of you?) aware that I am in fact, still around. And surprisingly, nothing much has changed from that last update til now. I still live in the same place, still lack employment, still have no future plans as we speak. All that aside, life is still pretty fantastic. Berto and I get into little tiffs sometimes, but they are usually silly and minor and combine that with my inability to stay irritated or remain in a difficult mood, and you've really only got a few minutes of bad juju.

Let me see. Hmm... I think about the only real exciting thing to note is that I'm still dating Berto. (I'm sure you got that from the previous mention, but repeating fun things is my way of bragging). We're about 10 days away from the 5 month mark and that makes me real happy. It was a strange transition into co-habitating on a permanent basis with the bf, but all of that has since settled.

Being unemployed like I am, I spend my days around the house being domestic. It's an odd occupation for someone such as myself, but I find that I actually enjoy the odd cleaning day here and there. Plus, I like taking care of people, so making sure the clothes are all cleaned and the dogs are taken care of and the house is in working order gives me a sense of accomplishment. That all being said, I still have plenty of time to sleep, read and generally lie about if that's what I feel like doing.

The first time I spent more than an afternoon away from home (which is what I consider my residence now) was this past weekend. A two and a half month stretch without so much as a night away. I don't think that's happened in a LONG time. I get too restless. Anyway, I passengered up to Michigan with the bff Stacy to collect the other bff Jacob from his summer internship. Needless to say, 25 hours in a car was tiring. Still though, nice to see friends for a change.

Mostly the summer parts minus being domestic have consisted of hanging with the bf and watching TV/movies, going out of the weekends to see movies, go to the bar or just generally have a good time with friends and going to my mom's house every Sunday for dinner. I find she complains a LOT less now that she can see my weekly. It's good for her.

In other news, August is looking to be pretty normal. No doctor's visits, no concerts, no travels that I'm aware of. I got two teeth pulled a couple of weeks ago (which wasn't pleasant) and next month, we're going to see Blink-182 (!) and TBS which I am very much excited about. I'm still trying to persuade the bf to get tickets to go see the Red Sox play too. I don't think it'll be too difficult; I just have to sit him down to purchase the tickets here soon. :)

Oh yeah, also...the month of July was crap. Well, it was generally okay, but I was sick for at least half of it. I think I had the flu for a while but that was preceded by at least two weeks of nausea (no, I am not with child) which would only mysteriously appear at about 3 pm every day. Then I had terrible headaches almost daily around midnight, which let me tell ya, isn't easy on anyone trying to get some sleep. But I've felt generally okay for the last couple of weeks, so I really don't have any complaints to voice at the moment.

For now, my days look like they will continue to be scheduled out peacefully. Up at 6:15 to make the bf's lunch, back to sleep (sometimes), let the dogs out at 11, lunch, laundry on Tuesdays and Fridays, general household chores in the afternoons and gettin' me some affection from 5:30 onward. That is, after food is consumed. People (including myself) get REALLY cranky in this house if they are not fed. It really is a tragedy.

At any rate, that's really about all I've got. Don't know if that was of any interest to anyone, but I'm really not here to please you. Take it or leave it.

Done!

Songs to consider:

Therapy (All Time Low)

Paper Moon (Our Lady Peace)

We're the heart for the heartless

So Rolla is officially (unofficially) behind me now, metaphorically speaking. I came back to KC on Wednesday night, then back to Rolla late Friday night for graduation on Saturday (they accidentally put my name in the program despite my lack of actually graduating). After the ceremony I went out with Berto's family (and my mom) for lunch, then packed up and came back to KC. At first, the plan was to just take up space in my mom's dining room for all my stuff, but Berto's parents offered up their basement so now all my stuff is at Berto's house. It's a little strange to me, but I sleep here anyway, so I guess it just makes accessing what I need a little more convenient. So there's that.

So now that I'm home (sort of), I need a job. At the moment I have no prospects and am staying at Berto's house sans Berto while he is on vacation with friends in Florida. It's a little odd being here without him, but I've managed to get through the first 9 hours without him just fine. Only 106 to go. :-P

The point being, life is sort of slow right now. Until I find a job I'll be spending a lot of time searching for one and being domestic in an attempt to feel as if I deserve a place to stay and food and all the other requisite life necessities. At least I can cook and clean and all that stuff. Maybe it won't be so bad. But a job is what I would like to have. And soon. Very, very soon. 

Oh, and also...as of the 14th, Berto and I have been going out for 2 months. Makes me happy. :-D 

Songs to consider:

Paradise Lost (Hollywood Undead)

I'll think about the day we met...

...and how my life's been burning away since then.

Update time from my world. On the whole, nothing exciting happens with my life, but I did have a pretty unique weekend, so you can all share in the glory and despair with me now! (That didn't sound too emo did it? Cause if so...)

Anyway, some of you may know that my birthday was on the 9th (some of you may not care, previous knowledge or otherwise). But there it was. The big 23. You know what I say to that? Meh. The most exciting thing about it, is that I am a prime number for a whole year. So what did I do for this less-than-remarkable milestone year? Left Rolla, of course. Being someone who has considerable bad luck when it comes to birthdays (tornados, parents being sick, siblings with close birthdays, being written up, being taken out for a drink by someone you hate, people being too busy with finals to care, etc), I knew I had to be proactive this year if I didn't want everything to go to hell. So that's what I did. 

Friday I left Rolla at 2:30 and drove to St. Louis with Stacy. We hopped on the Metro Link to the Amtrak Station, got our tickets (Stacy bought hers for the wrong day but the conductor could not have cared less) and were on our way to Chicago. About the only remotely un-boring thing about the trip up was that the girl (yes, I said girl) sitting in front of me was looking at porn on her laptop. I was like, seriously? Oh, well. I was amused regardless. We got in late (trains are always late...something to do with freight trains being unintelligent), walked through downtown Chicago after midnight (they must really keep their beggars/homeless people on short leashes cause no one harassed us) and somehow made it onto the last Metra train leaving up the North Shore for the night. As we sat on the train, three guys in front of us were having themselves a little party and drinking beer. They were amiable enough, so it wasn't really a bother. We got off in Ravenswood, navigated our way to Stacy's sisters apartment (her sister let us stay even though she had flown out to Colombia, South America the day before) and FINALLY got to a real bed. It wasn't half bad staying there (lots of facebook messages annoyed me while I tried to fall asleep and both my mother and my brother decided that the best time to give me a call was after 1:30 in the morning). So that was Friday...

Saturday...we spent a whole lot of time on trains, buses and even a taxi. I'll put this is a format that might be easier to understand...

Breakfast @ The Golden Nugget Pancake House --> Metra to downtown Chicago --> Walk to the loop (CTA), catch the Orange Line to Museum Campus --> Walk to Shedd Aquarium --> Stand in line for an hour for tickets --> Marvel at various sea creatures (and a monkey!) for a couple of hours --> Walk back to the CTA station --> Stop at Starbucks for sustenance --> Catch the red line, transfer to the blue line --> Take a shuttle from point A in blue line construction to point B --> Back on the blue line to Rosemont --> Get lost trying to find Allstate Arena --> Call Aaron for directions --> Walk the wrong way --> Catch a cab out of frustration --> Make it to the concert after the second of five bands has played --> Purchase alcohol for it's comforts (and for reminding you that at least you aren't one of the 12,000 teenage girls screaming for FOB) --> Enjoy show, singing loudly, make recordings, eat nachos, ignore massive headache, have fun anyway... --> Leave show, catch shuttle back to blue line --> Repeat bus transfer madness --> Miss the last Metra up the north shore --> Catch Brown Line --> stop ignoring excruciating pain in head, whimper and resist the urge to throw up --> FINALLY make it back to the apartment, drugged, cry for 15 minutes, wait for the pain to subside --> Fall asleep

Other nice things: A little boy who shares a birthday with me (he turned 7) sat next to me at the concert. He really likes Fall Out Boy, so his parents took him and his older brother to see them live. I thought it was cute. Berto trying to make me feel better through text by singing "You Are My Sunshine."

Today, boring. Up at 4:30, back to Union Station, back to St. Louis, back to the car, ate lunch at Jimmy John's (do they really have to keep their dining areas so cold?!), back to Rolla. 

I worked from 6 to 12, and now I'm done...and talking to you. I'm really tired though, so I'm gonna find someone to cuddle with and curl up for a good long night of sleep. <3!

Songs to consider:

Fever (Archie Star)

All those other fleeting things

Not much going on in the way of life lately, but I felt a need to share with you all anyway. I've just been hanging out with the bf, packing the room up and counting (not so patiently) until the day I get to leave for good. It's not that I hate Rolla, it's just that.... miss life. Maybe that's not the best way to say it either...

At any rate, I was trying to think of something I wanted to share and pretty much the only thing I could really muster up enough feeling to care about was some of the stuff I've written lately. I do like writing poetry, but these last few in particular have been sort of a new thing for me. So there ya go... something new from me to be shared. And remember one thing: these sound much better read aloud than just on paper (or screen for you folks). Take them for what they are worth. <3

Words
A melodramatic addict waiting to act, to ask the simple question no one’s meant to ask
Pressing your luck, changing your pace to mimic mine, mime in time to the rhyme
Words that were unkind, blind to the metaphor, four to the floor
Listening to the beat
Upbeat, beat down, drown in these words
Screaming silence, words of violence, shyness and hollow kindness
Lying through my teeth, cheap thoughts, drink them down
Drown in these words, pay five dollars, stiffen your collar
Pretend they matter, take the chatter, drink it down, build it up
Like a cup, overflowing, words undone, cheap wine loosens the tongue
Declaring words, again and again, perform your act, back it with black
Dark words, again and again, nothing kind to say to this man
Eulogies written, carelessly forgotten, like a glutton, sugar coat to project hope
Protect what needs protecting, soften the blow, sink so low
Take the hit, remember the words he said when you bled, don’t shed another tear
Forget the fear and the angry words he muttered, uttered to you in silence
Fight back with violence, load the gun, forget the bullets, be unkind
Remind them who he was, and who you are, and what you’ll be, free from this
From him and those words and that fear
And see the clear light of day that shows just how cheap those thoughts and actions were
No more wrath to incur, no more whiskey to pour, don’t feel sore
It’s over now, he drowned in sorrow and sadness
Leave him in words, empty and hollow, and swallow down regret for the ending he met
Cause baby, it’s fact, the last thing he passed was a knack for a lack of love and kindness,
Ungrateful and sly, made up on the fly, wasted words for the day that you’ll die

Clouding The Issue
When did this notion become an affinity?
Like drops of infinity, spiraling upward into nothing,
Never ending drops falling into buckets
Lives not worth spending
Precious moments always gone too fast,
Being carefully careless
Classless, hopeless
Changes in perception, defining moments
Waiting for the reception, for the return, the celebration
Wars are unkind, but not to this generation
Clouds the issue, skip deep, too tight
Contracting, discomfort and cowardice
Distracting statements made of bliss
Retracting statements made of ignorance
Too cold to stand, to stay
Too much to fight, to die, to pray
There’s no god in this existence
Nothing to hold onto but your insistence
That I’m wrong and always will be
A decree, a cry, a shout of indifference
An inference, a wrong made right in the eyes of your reflection
Tears falling like glass, mask your opinion
It’s time to fight, to take flight
Time to change your direction
Time to clean and coddle this infection
Take down those defenses, grasp the edge
Time to claim you’re defenseless and hedge
Your words and check what this is about
Make your mark and drown me out

It’s time
Time to draw close to the end, remember infinity
Time to drop the bucket with tears flowing endlessly

The Fight
Wielding words like knives
Biting, cutting into skin, matter, bone
Chasing the reflection, the inflection changes
Ranging emotions, hurt to disdain
Complaining over the stain, the taste you kept when you left
Leapt from the window, eleven stories down
Eleven stories later: dry mouth, hoarse from the lies
The cries overwhelm, break out, break over, break down
Drowning here, nothing but sound
It’s loud, proud, nothing to stop it
Drop those hints, those words like knives
Like lies, bleeding to the ground
Drown again, in tears and in fate
Faithful, faithless, faith lost
At most it’s the dark winter dreary
You see it now so clearly
Another reflection caught in the mirror
Growing nearer, the fear
Leering at you, with you, for you
We drew to a close, a halt, a stop
Heard the pop, felt the heat
Beat them down, drown them again
Hold up your chin, stand up straight and tall
Do not fall or fear, it’s clear
Those lights so bright, driving all night
Into the sunset, into the west
Don’t know what’s best, but we’ll guess
Hold on to your fight, your love
Take off the gloves
Don’t die for this cause
Stand up, listen to the applause
Take it all in and grin
Show them that someday you’ll win
Their hearts and affection
And you’ll finally see that reflection
So deep inside, like knives
Dropping like words, like lies
Even the odds, loosen the ties
Let go of the crimes, the cries
Everybody dies, but they’ll listen
Your tears will glisten
Roll down your cheeks
Leaving stains for weeks
Years will pass, clear like glass
Hold on so tight to that night
You won and you’re done
And we’re gone
Alone in victory and defeat
An ending you’ll finally meet
And greet so warmly, with love and devotion
Cradle it close, and close your eyes forever
And remember now that this was your sweetest endeavor

Songs to consider:

The Words You Wield (Say Anything)

Oh yeah...

I also added my twitter feed to the left navigation bar as well. I tend to update that a lot so if you don't see a post from me for a few days at a time, you'll at least know I'm alive if you check that out.

Done with the shameful (less) plugging. Peace.

Lipstick has a way of leaving more than just a mark on my sheets

So sporadic readers of my blog, I have been invited to contribute to a new blog here on blogger. The concept is to throw out all sorts of ideas and thoughts that one would not normally post about. Here I usually share an internal dialogue of sorts so I will do my best to keep the two blogs separate and use the other blog as a sounding board for my other favorite topics of discussion that I reserve for IRL conversations. The two might intersect here and there, but I will do my best to keep the sharing of topics to a minimum. Now that I've plugged my other blog ---> The Ideoteria (and added it to the feed on your left), I will move on to another topic for tonight.

I mentioned before how I was pretty sure I wasn't going to graduate this semester. I am now absolutely positive I won't. I did my few minutes of whimpering and kicking myself for letting it get this far, but in all reality, I don't mind not getting that diploma on May 16th. I mean, yes, I want it, and yes, I want it bad, but it doesn't have to be in two weeks. I will not be returning to Rolla anytime soon and can finish my degree on my own time in the location of my choice. I really just want to have that break I mention from time to time. I really do think I deserve it and that's just what I want for now. I will take the summer to collect my thoughts, let my creative juices churn for a while and settle into a routine. I want that leave at 7, home at 4, dinner at 5 routine that I have lacked since childhood and if I don't like it, then I can change it. I've got hope for my future and that's all I feel I need right now.

I'm not trying to justify not finishing my degree (it will be completed), but I'm just saying that mentally, I need a break. School is very fractured to me in that sense. You don't have a defined life. You are in this bubble called college where you are largely unaffected by the outside world. Take for instance this economic slump we are in. I don't own a car, I don't pay rent, I pay few taxes cause I don't make that much money. I am largely supported by money the government has already given me. I can go days, weeks really, without catching up on current events, without realizing the prices of things I don't buy have changed and without feeling any sort of effect whatsoever from the economic downturn.

I also lack a work/home changeover. I go to class minutes walking distance from where I sleep and eat and I participate in organizations that keep me occupied late nights and weekends. I have homework. I have a job that largely involves me sitting at a computer, also minutes or less from where I live and either doing homework (or as I'm doing right now) spending time online in an effort to share myself (in a non-slut sounding kind of way) with the world outside of my little college bubble.

All of this (six years and counting) has gotten me to the point that I want to test the adult world waters, so to speak. I want to get up and shower and eat and go off to a job that remains at the location I go to. I don't want to get home and worry over homework or extracurricular activities or that part time job or that test next Monday. I want to worry about laundry and dinner and how clean my house is and when the bills need to be paid. I want to sit in front of a TV while NOT sitting on my bed and eat dinner at a real table. I want to shower in a bathroom that isn't shared with thirty other girls. I want to be able to clean my home with cleaners I approve of and on days when I find it to be most convenient to clean. I don't want to pay 10 cents every time I have to lug a vacuum from a different building to clean my 20 square feet of carpet.

Is that really so much to ask for? I say no, it's not. All this is possible to me. And it could be possible soon. I just need to gather the willpower to move on and away from my current surroundings.

With that, I think I'll leave it here for now. I know I've been absent of late, but I will make it up to you all and post more like I used to. Thanks for getting this far if you did. Til another day...

Songs to consider:

The Girl's A Straight Up Hustler (All Time Low)
Pavlove (Fall Out Boy) <--- Bonus song off of Folie a Deux

I remember it vividly love

It's been a while since I've bothered to share with any of you, but here I am... thinking of you once more. It's been a weird month. After returning from Vegas I remained sick for a solid three weeks then proceeded to get Berto sick (from which he is still recovering). I have completely failed at life in the academic area, so much so that I'm convinced I will not be graduating in May. It's more my lack of a foreign language that's stopping me rather than my poor work ethic. At any rate, I won't be coming back to school regardless of this semester's outcome.

In other news, I am moving back home after school ends, much to my own disappointment, but there really isn't much I can do about that unless I find a job that enables me to live on my own. I don't know how that'll work out though, so it's unchartered waters from May 16th on. I'm really not liking the idea of being jobless and degree-less in less than three weeks, but I suppose it's a situation I got myself into, so I'll have to deal with the outcome.

I've been doing some writing lately, a little further away from my usual stuff and more into stuff that sounds better read aloud instead of being read silently. I like it a lot and like the direction my work is going. That's one thing I really look forward to after school ends: time. I really don't like having a huge amount of free time, but maybe after becoming a bit more domestic (cooking, cleaning, etc.) I will have some really good time to devote to writing. I started that book back in December, but haven't worked on in since late January or so and I feel bad for having abandoned such a huge project like that.

Ideally, I'd like to find some work with a non-profit or NGO in the KC area and work myself out of living at home. I think the only way I'll feel at all accomplished is if I do work that matters to someone besides myself. The Peace Corps is still on the table, but for right now I'd really like some stability in my life. Berto and I are just getting into a good relationship and I want to see where that goes before I trek across the world looking for good deeds needing to be done.

So the bottom line is: I have no idea what the future holds for me, immediate or otherwise. If you've got any good ideas or suggestions for me, I'm all ears (so to speak). But for now, I'm just gonna take this ride one hour at a time and see where I end up when it's over. For now...

Songs to consider:

Shiksa (Girlfriend) (Say Anything)

Nothing beats not knowing what's gonna happen next

Firstly, I am alive. No free internet in my hotel in Vegas means that I spent a lot of time writing in my journal instead of online like usual. But I'm back home now, reveling in the new normality my life is taking shape in. So I reluctantly left home (which means Berto) and flew to Vegas for a week of vacation. The flights were decent and landing in both Denver and Vegas after dark was pretty fun. I never realized how close the Vegas airport was to...well...Vegas. It seems like you should run into a few of those hotels on the strip when landing, but it's still a pretty cool experience when landing at night. We stayed at the Stratosphere, which was pretty cool, but for as much money as we invested in our room, a little free internet would have been appreciated. Oh, well. I lived.

The week wasn't as exciting as I was thinking it would be, but that was bound to happen with my mind all the way back in Kansas City and my body in Las Vegas. I did a little gambling, some drinking and some roasting in the sun, but mostly all I wanted to do was eat, sleep, write and text Berto. Vacation to me is relaxation. I wasn't too terribly thrilled that the others I was with kept insisting on going out. I went to a concert on Tuesday night at a club called Wasted Space in the Hard Rock Hotel and that was enjoyable, but most of the other nights I mostly just watched TV from the comfort of my hotel bed.

I got sick on Wednesday, which I'm still trying to recover from...and that made most of the rest of the week pretty crappy. We rented a car and drove to the Grand Canyon on Thursday, but I didn't want to pay for the tour so I slept in the car for three hours. That was just another thing the others weren't happy about, but what they called me ignoring them was actually me avoiding unnecessary pain since it hurt to breathe and swallow and talk. I generally prefer to minimize pain, so I just listened to my iPod and texted people most of the trip.

My last night in Vegas I went up the tower at my hotel and took pics and hung out for a while just taking in the sights. Vegas really is a pretty cool place, but I suspect it's better with a significant other or at least with friends who have the same ideas of what vacation should be like as you do. I may go back one day, but only on a trip with a certain boy. :-P

My trip home was a little annoying, but thankfully not terribly eventful. Being sick on planes is just not cool. All the pressure changing with a cold and congestion just makes the whole ordeal quite uncomfortable. I got to Denver just fine on Saturday morning, and flying over the snow-covered Rockies was nice, but then I was stuck in the airport for three extra hours before I got to fly home to KC. At least they had free internet, so I entertained myself by talking online and listening to music (much like I do when bored at school).

I got home and Berto picked me up at the airport. It was a nice homecoming since I had missed him so much. We managed to make it through the blizzard that was swirling around KC and spent the night hanging out and such while the snow settled. Sunday I dragged Berto around to see people I knew, including Aaron, his mom and sister Ami then my sister Sarah. We also caught a showing of Duplicity and after a doctor's appointment on Monday morning, we drove back to Rolla. It's been weird being back cause all of my mutual free time with Berto is spent with him just sort of marveling at our relationship. It sounds silly, but I think we're both enjoying the newness of being together.

Anyway, I've just been sitting around work trying to stay awake after taking Benadryl and this was on my list of things to do for the world. :) There's really not much else going on in my life at the moment, but I'll be sure to share if something new does happen and it's appropriate for this sort of sharing. I'm gonna go back to listening to A New Found Glory and drifting through work til I get to go home to my boy. :) Til later...

Songs to consider:

Taken Back By You (A New Found Glory)
Boulders (A New Found Glory)

My eyes change from kinda green to kinda blue

Life's been good to me lately. I stayed sober for St. Pat's, which ended up being a really good plan. It was a really long week regardless. Let's see, I went home the weekend before and ended up having an awesome time. Run down:

Went home Friday, chilled, took a nap, went out to a country bar (ick) with my mom and some of her co-workers (where I had a drink called the redneck out of a quart mason jar, awesome!), then went out to rockbar with Aaron and his gf Heather. We met up with Berto and three of his friends and aside from the semi-molestation dance I was getting from Aaron and Heather, I had a pretty awesome time. I drank quite a bit though, so I took the rest of the weekend off.

Saturday I went to a gun range for the first time ever. Berto owns a gun and was all like, you have to go, so we did and let me tell ya, it was pretty awesome. I owned him with my skills too. Makes me feel happy inside. I got a bullseye...and now Berto calls me Bullseye as a nickname. Makes me happy. I went back home after and decided to grill out since it was so nice. It took forever for the fast ready coals to be ready...which is just ironic, but we had tasty food and that was that.

I had been talking to Berto while cooking and mentioned that I almost didn't want to go to the party I had been invited to cause I only knew one person and I didn't really want to drink again that night. So he mentioned ditching to go see Watchmen with him and so I ditched Aaron (and then told him he knows how it feels) to see the movie with Berto. It was pretty good, but really long. And all the giggly girls made me want to roll my eyes. After the movie, we grabbed food (at 2/3 AM) and then I went home and passed out.

Sunday was pretty uneventful. Just drove back home to Rolla and chilled doing nothing the rest of the night. I wrote a lot though, having been inspired to do so. Monday and Tuesday passed without consequence, except I had a big program to put on Tuesday that went over really well. 300 people showed up and that was about 225 more than I was expecting...so that was awesome. Then after the program, Berto and I watched Closer (which few people appreciate) and then chilled til like, 3 am.

Then it was St. Pat's!!! Wednesday, I rode around in the car with Berto while he sober drove for Delta Sig and that's just a whole barrel of fun right there. I'm not being sarcastic either, it really was fun. Thursday, I spent the morning at Gonzo and Games doing nothing useful, then napped and talked to Berto all evening while he went to the Beta Sig rave I couldn't go to (stupid Greek list).

Friday was more games that I didn't play, and then more sober driving. Aaron came into town to party and stayed in my room for the weekend (which is why I made him wash all my linens after being drunk and gross all weekend). I hung out with Berto all night Friday and we watched Twilight and picked up drunk people.

Saturday was the parade, which wasn't nearly as exciting as I was hoping for. I'd never watched one in Rolla though, so whatevs. I hung out with Berto more (surprise, surprise) then had to help with the concert. It was pretty awesome being on the crew, but with no sleep, it was still very draining. After the concert, I went to a Delta Sig party with Berto but we didn't stay long cause we were both sober so it wasn't too much fun. We went back to his room and watched Dane Cook and some of Role Models before I passed out in the middle of it.

Sunday, more hanging out, lunch at Denny's, etc. And I guess somewhere between early Saturday morning (which was still part of Friday night) and Sunday, I ended up with a boyfriend (which is just a weird word to me). So yeah...sober St. Pat's = fun times for Tori.

Now...it's the weird middle week between two breaks and I'm secretly hating every minute of it cause I just want to do nothing. I'm going home at midnight on Thursday cause I've got to be in KC for a doctor's appt on Friday morning. Then the plan for Friday is letting my mom meet Berto (major ick) then dinner before seeing HOLLYWOOD UNDEAD!!! Can you tell I'm a little excited? Anyway, that's Friday, then I don't know what Saturday looks like before I have to be at the airport to fly out to Vegas Saturday night. I'm excited, but it's also a week away from a new bf. Look out Sprint, text message abuse ahead. :)

When I get back from Vegas on the 28th, I am going out with Aaron and Heather and bringing along Stacy and her bf John (once they get back from Vegas too) and the six of us (Berto being the sixth) are going to have a night of it. 21+ even. :)

Long post, all about my boring (or exciting) life. Thanks for tuning in. You may hear from me soon, but maybe not. No promises.

Songs to consider:

Again Again (Lady Gaga)

It's been getting late for days

It's all the little things in life that make us happy and sad, but fortunately for me, it's a big thing this time and I'm ready to be happy. I'm ready world, give me what you think i can take.

It's a good time for reflection and about the only surface you can see yourself on is a mirror. Well the mirror is a boy this time and it's as clear as day. I'm happy for now and I can't ask for any more. Listen careful. I'll be saying all the things I've never said. Brave new girl in a brave new world. Man up, beat down, run around, down and out. Sweeter than breath, more alive than the night. Discovery inside and out, back up and down, six feet up and six feet under.

Careful again. You don't want to miss it this time.

Songs to consider:

Six Feet under The Stars (All Time Low)

Childhood

Of little boys and butterflies
And messy memories of muddy pies
Of happy dreams and plastic toys
With secret lairs and simple joys
Of long summer days and snowball fights
And stringing up the Christmas lights
Of playful puppies and fishing trips
And carefully kissing girls on the lips
Big dreams of being an astronaut
And not knowing it could be all for naught
With skies as big as forever
With loves first sweet endeavor
Losing fights of doing what you’re told
And saying “Never!” to growing old
When broken dreams were not to mend
And love lives forever until its end

It gains the more it gives

The flu strikes again! I blame myself really. I said just two or three days ago that I hadn't gotten sick yet this year and viola! Flu. Sigh. It's alright though, I'm working through it. I'm properly drugged and such and until it passes, that's about all I can do. No need to drag my feet through the mud just because I can.

I guess I'm going home again this weekend. And it's just funny how the whole time I'm there, I've got something to do. My mom has this work dinner thing at some new bar and grill place and wants me to go with her, then Angels is having a big party Friday night for their first birthday, so I'll probably go there too. Then Saturday I'm supposed to go to the shooting range to fire a gun and play with targets. There will be pictures, so if there's a good one, I'll put it up for all to see. (I've never even held a gun, so this'll be a first). Then Saturday night I'm going to a birthday party for someone I met the last time I went home. She promised not to throw up this time, so I guess I have to give her another chance. Heh. So yeah...that's my already planned out weekend. Somewhere in there I will need to teach my mom how to use wireless internet (oh joy) and maybe even manage to clean some laundry or do some homework (so not going to happen). Then it's back to Rolla for three days of class and another SUB program. Then St. Pat's!!!

The concert is going to be really big this year and since I'm a director I am part of the crew. I'm cool with it though cause it's backstage access with the bands and all the get togethers for the weekend. I'm looking forward to that side of a concert. After St. Pat's break is over, it's another four days of class before going back to KC again...

I have a doctor's appt. on the 20th, then I'm supposed to go to the Hollywood Undead/Senses Fail concert that night, but I'm not sure about that yet. Then I'm flying out to Vegas on Saturday night with Stacy and her boyfriend John and we'll be meeting our friend Kristi out there. I'm hoping it'll be an awesome week. We're staying at the Stratosphere Hotel and Casino (the one with the roller coasters on top of the tower) and we'll be going out to the Grand Canyon for a night to camp (which is exciting). Only six more weeks of class after that. I'm not really looking forward to anything involving April or May, so yeah...blah.

Shrug. I'm still writing, so you can still check out stuff on the website I listed a few posts back. Guess that's it. :)

Songs to consider:

Goodbye To You (Michelle Branch)
All The Things You Said (t.A.T.u.)
Let Go (Frou Frou)

Just another girl alone at the bar

Real entry this time, I swear. Had a good weekend. It was an unexpected trip home, but I'm glad i went. Got to spend a lot of time with the mom and stayed up in St. Jo with Aaron both nights I was there. It was cool to get out of Rolla for once and do something I don't get to do a lot. My mommy was good to me and bought me all sorts of things (like a late Christmas) then she paid for my new tattoos (as you see below). So that's fun.

It was Madri Gras too (which some of you may know), so I went out with Aaron and his girlfriend to the Power & Light District in KC for the celebrations. Gotta say, when the bars aren't in Rolla (which means no smoking inside), I really do enjoy myself. We mostly just stayed at two different bars, but the last one (Angels Rockbar) was definitely my style. Lots of fun to be had.

Anyway, that was my weekend and I plan on going back up to KC for another party weekend on the 6th and 7th. Looking forward to that. But since I've been back, I started writing a little more. I also posted some of my new (and semi-older) stuff on the website I posted a few posts ago. You should check it if you're bored (you'd have to be if you got this far in my post). Guess I don't have much else to say. For now anyway...

Songs to consider:

Don't Trust Me (3OH!3)
Sober (Pink)

They'll label us what they can never be

Mardi Gras celebrations and tattoos make for one hell of a weekend.

(Latin: After darkness, I hope for light)

Songs to consider:

Alien (Thriving Ivory)
In Defense Of The Genre (Say Anything)

If I only could, make a deal with God

It's been an interesting week. Coming back from a conference on a Tuesday really does throw a person off in regards to the rest of the week. I've been straddling the border between being sick and being indifferent. Those two really don't go together at all, but those are about all I can come up with for this week. It's strange, but oddly, I don't care (go figure).

I finished rewatching Bones...again. Now I'm thinking of starting another one of my old shows I have on DVD again. Maybe Angel or Roswell. Not sure which. Also thought some about writing my book, but I don't know if that'll happen this weekend or not. It's hard to tell when I don't care to schedule anything. Better that way, I think. No expectations. :)

I posted a poem and a short story on my other site for people to read. I left the link here for those who are interested. I'm not looking for anything by posting them online, but if you have a comment to leave, feel free to do so. I am interested in knowing what people think about what I write.

Other news in my world: I bought a ticket to Vegas for Spring Break. Not sure why, but I'll be there regardless. And, I convinced my mom to buy me Fall Out Boy tickets for my birthday present so now I am officially going with Stacy and that makes me happy.

I can't come up with anything else, but the topic of validation is still on my mind, so maybe you'll see something about that soon. For now, I go.

Songs to consider:

Running Up That Hill (Placebo)
Sail Away (Madrugada)

It was the roar of the crowd that gave me heartache to sing

I'd had this idea to write about validation and all that that entails, but the moment passed as the weekend slowly, but quickly progressed into the week. It would have been a good post I think. Anyway...onto better things.

I'm in Nashville for the moment and I'll have to say, fun times. Got here for NACA on Saturday after a relatively uneventful ride down. And...OH. MY. GOD. This hotel is like...a city. It's seriously a small sized city. Or as we like to call it now, "The Biosphere." All of MS&T could live here AND go to school here. Seriously. Yeah. Seriously. There's a river. And fish. And booze. And a f-ing huge glass dome. HUGE. Yeah.

So anyway, we're here...in "Gaylord City" (The Gaylord Opryland Hotel), enjoying the conferencing. And really, when I say conference, I really mean a not-a-conference-conference. Like, instead of running a program or cheering about with crazy-ass costumes, you go and sit in a big room and...watch people. Seriously. You sit and they dim the lights and then you watch comedians, bands, singer-songwriters, magicians, lecturers, and all manner of other performers. It's AMESOME. Seriously. It's a conference full of being entertained. Then, you go to clubs and you can drink if you want and you eat nice food and listen to more awesome music and yeah...it's cool.

It's all great. But here's the other thing; I'm surrounded my boys. Seven of them. Yep. Seven. Here's the thing about being the only girl spending three days alone with seven guys: you turn into a douche bag. I'm being completely serious. Guys don't remember that you are there so they are sometimes really awkwardly terrible. But...it's funny. To me at least. Downside: I am now an asshole. I say mean things, I tell rude jokes, I laugh at inappropriate comments, I think about sex too much because it's being talked about al the time and the worst thing is...I have no one to discuss hot guys with. I would if a gay guy bothered to come along on this trip of awesomeness. But NO! No gay man is here (not with my school anyway) and that means when I turn to the guy next to me to comment on the singer Pete Moss (with those dots over the o) and how hot he makes Canadians, two problems arise. One, if you mention that Pete Moss is hot, the guy becomes uncomfortable and then you feel awkward and you all stop speaking for a little while. Or two, you decide it's better not to mention how hot Pete is, but you are now left with the urge to share and the empty feeling of not being able to do so. Predicament. Solution? No idea.

Well, I don't really know what else to say besides that I enjoy this conference and now I shall go so I can NOT sleep before we leave for Rolla at 5:30. Tori out.

Songs to consider:

Disenchanted (My Chemical Romance)

Publications

If you're interested in reading things that I write...you can go to the following website and check it out. Enjoy.

Here.

Gone for now feels a lot like gone for good

Watching an episode of House earlier tonight brought up an interesting dilemma to me. The character of the week was a once great cancer researcher who realized she wasn't thinking of her own happiness, so she quit to do things in her life that felt good to her. Things like learning to be a chef, taking piano lessons, etc. Her sudden lifestyle change and it's implications left me thinking about something I find very important; would I forsake my own happiness if something I was good at helped others?

The character gave up something she was good at (finding a cure for cancer) to do something that made her happy. Would I do that? Would I knowingly give less of myself to those who could maybe live a full life at the cost of my own happiness? And my answer surprised me. Yes. Yes, I would give up saving a person's life (through indirect causes) in order to escape a miserable existence. I thought I was a little more selfless than that, but...I'm not. And that does not make me feel one bit guilty.

On this subject, a debate was born. I chatted with a friend about this after I watched the House episode. We did not agree over the choice the woman made about dropping her career to pursue her own happiness. He seemed to think that a few things factored into being happy versus helping others through your work.

One, you should not ever let yourself get so far into your work that you make yourself utterly miserable.

I disagree. Not every person has the foresight to realize they are making themselves miserable until they are.

Two, even if you make yourself miserable, you can always take time for yourself and work back to a time where your work did not cause misery and personal suffering.

I also disagree. Some people traumatize themselves with their passions. They get to the point that it doesn't matter that they are good at something, that they can not reconcile their lives with their work. They simply can not go back to it, for the sake of their mental well being.

Three, people who refuse to stop working, even if it's making them miserable, are simply putting up roadblocks in order to prevent the suffering.

For the third time, I disagree. While I agree that most people are not so passionate about their work that they get lost in it and sacrifice themselves, but those who can do that sometimes don't notice they are miserable, because they can't. One track minds often forego self-awareness.

While I do understand that most people are capable of stepping back when they become miserable, to reevaluate their lives, to objectify the situation, and then eventually return to their work, some people can't do that. They just...can't. I can recall with perfect clarity a situation in which I quit outright for the sake of my mental health and I can't regret that decision.

"Were you on the road to saving thousands?" I was asked after I explained leaving a job for my own happiness. I wasn't.

But...

"I was on the road to losing myself."

There is a point where your happiness is the more important thing to consider. If I could not be happy, could not care for myself, then how could I possibly change the lives of others in a positive way? What would I have to contribute to the happiness of others if I do not possess happiness of my own?

It's a flawed argument, true, but it's still logical and sound from my perspective and experience. To me, it doesn't matter if you save a thousand or save one, even if that one is yourself. I would rather die happy than die accomplished in my contributions to society, without ever having found my own happiness.

It was a good debate either way. No one has to agree with me, but if you've seen me at work on anything, you'll know I'm that person that does not realize her own unhappiness until it is too late. I have a feeling I am not unique in this mindset, but that's okay by me.

Songs to consider:

Happiness (The Fray)
Fin (Anberlin)

My wandering soul found solace at last

My night since midnight has made me think a little about my friends. Stacy came over around ten or ten thirty after her commitments for the night had ended, followed by Jacob around midnight. I consider the two my best friends, and as such, they are privy to more of my time and energy than most others I choose to surround myself with. Sometimes it is simply a matter of prior commitments that keeps us apart, but the importance of our friendships is not diminished by time or distance. We still find time to praise each other, talk through our bad days and amuse ourselves with the antics we each enjoy being a part of.

I find myself extremely lucky to possess two friends such as these here with me now. Though both are sleeping soundlessly (triumphantly taking up two thirds of my small twin mattress), their being here is more than enough to make my night feel a little better, despite it not feeling bad to begin with. Throughout the years I have known these two, I have encountered many highs and lows, grown far apart from others and gained confidence in their gut instincts and feelings. For these traits or their tolerance of above mentioned character flaws on my part, no other pair could compare. (Excuse the unintentional rhyming, it's on the late side of my evening)

I'm unsure of what the days to come will bring us, especially as I prepare to leave them here in Rolla without me. I will be most sad to have to go when it comes to the time I leave Jacob and Stacy, as if being forced to leave my siblings behind in the great unknown. For me, having them as my anchor has been and will hopefully continue to be, the reason I am still sane in this wonderfully frustrating place I call home. We're all in this together and with that thought, my anxiety is eased. I can only hope that a year from now, and a year after that and so on, I can still feel then what I feel now when I see the two of them light up my world a little, no matter the dark and dreary day fate brings to me.

Songs to consider:

Some of Us (Starsailor) --> Might be a repeat, but well worth the encore mention

I'll follow you until you love me

Last night I stayed up until nearly 5 AM. I guess that would be this morning, but I did manage a few hours of sleep, so it counts as last night in my head. So last night, I worked on my book some more (which face it, makes me giddy as a school girl). I wasn't really intending to work on it all that much, having homework to do for this morning and all, but once I started...I just couldn't stop. It's like a really bad Pringles commercial...seriously.

So yeah, 3 AM rolls around and I'm done with a new chapter! I wrote 22 more pages, neglecting still to finish chapter five. I don't know what it is, but my motivations for completing that chapter have escaped me. I know what I want to say and where I want to go, but have no desire to actually go there. It might just take me another four weeks to get in done, but there's no rush really, so I'm not bothered.

When I was finished with the chapter, other than feeling absolute elation and joy, I felt the carpal tunnel too. Man, typing that much in a relatively short amount of time is really not so good for the wrists...or the fingers. It's just proof of my hard work though, which makes it all worth it. I'm already itching to get back and write some new material and see where my characters take me. It really is very exciting to see them grow. :)

Songs to consider:

Paparazzi (Lade Gaga) --> A little joke about the book

Don't waste your whole life trying to get back what was taken away

I dug out my old notebook of poetry last night. It was strange to read through them all and get a glimpse of how I wrote things down when I was 15 and 16 years old. It's funny, I don't remember those years being unhappy at all, but when I read my poetry, happiness isn't evident in any of it. I'm not sure where my inspirations came from, but writing about all things bleak and abstract was definitely my speciality.

I don't really write poetry anymore. If I'm writing something and it's not a short story or my book, it's usually free writing full of introspection and abstract thought. That's probably as close to prose as I get...I guess. I don't know.

Anyway, I bought me a new album today. It's classical music, but it's really enjoyable. That kind of music helps when I'm writing my book and I was running in short supply, so it was well worth the money spent. Plus, this guy is like my favorite composer. It helps that he uses modern influences in his music, which helps it feel fresh.

Speaking of books, I edited the eleven pages of chapter 5 I had and added a paragraph. I wanted to work on it more today, but I never got the chance to do that. Maybe this weekend I'll have more time. I really would like to finish out this chapter so I have a idea of where I want to go. Hmm.

Well, below this post is my last winter break entry. Enjoy if you wish to do so.

Songs to consider:

Kristy, Are You Doing Okay (The Offspring)
You're Gonna Go Far, Kid (The Offspring)

Backlog Journal Entry #5 (1 January 2009, 12:37 AM)

My New Year’s Resolution: To be less foolish.

It’s a simple thing to say, but I never seem to realize how foolish I’m being until it’s too late to take it back. For how self-aware I am when I’m alone, I’m amazingly ignorant when I am subjected to troublesome relationships with other people. I have very strong emotional reactions to certain things and when I’m exposed to them, I completely overreact. I don’t even know what I’m trying to say, but it makes sense in my head to say that I should work on being less foolish this year. You know…keep things to myself when they won’t be helpful to those around me. Hmm. Anyway, it’s 2009 now I guess. It’s the year I graduate…and the year I wish my life would start. Those two things seem to go hand in hand so maybe it’ll all work out. I’m 8,272 days old today and I can’t recall many worthy of report yet. It’s just good that I have about 15 thousand left to work through. We’ll see how those go. Heh. I’ll leave with a song that fits the mood…

Songs to consider:

I Don’t Care (Fall Out Boy)

We will last just a little while longer

Today, I've been thinking about dying. Well, not me dying specifically, but about people dying in general. I try to stick to the whole "everyone dies" philosophy in general, but sometimes that just doesn't cover the whole ordeal of dealing with death. What happens when a friend dies? Not someone in your family who you love and grew up with, but someone you spend your days with, joke around with, eat lunch with. What about those people you love? I realized that I'm afraid. Afraid of other people dying. I don't know. I don't know what it's like to know someone as a friend and lose them. And now I'm hoping I never do. I know that's not really possible, but maybe I don't want to see anyone die for a long time. Not my generation, my friends. :/

Sort of depressing thing to think about, but I'm pretty tired...too tired to read, so work is just another opportunity to go over things in my head. And actually, the whole process came about after listening to a song off of the latest Hawthorne Heights album, Fragile Future. They released it after one of their band members died and it's about his death. That just made me think of my friends dying suddenly, and it made me sad to think about.

I also thought some about the interactions between boys and girls, but that didn't get a whole lot of thought compared to the previous part of the post. I just thought a little about how girls and guys think about things differently when it comes to each other. It's easier to see it happen than to experience it because you become caught up in the friendship/relationship and believe what you want to believe. I don't like using the word disillusioned, but some weaker form of that is probably a little true. Hmm. Love Me If You Dare shows the sort of destructive dynamic that can develop when two parties choose to ignore the obvious. Except the characters use a game to deceive each other and not just normal devices like the rest of us.

I wonder how much it would hurt to play such a game? Or would the thrill more than make up for the deception?

Well, I'm including the fourth post from break. It's a short one. :)

Songs to consider:

If I Were A Boy (Beyonce)
Disenchanted (My Chemical Romance)
Four Become One (Hawthorne Heights)

Backlog Journal Entry #4 (31 December 2008, 12:01 AM)

God, this sucks.

Is it too soon to say "perfect"?

I don't think I've ever had a more useless weekend. I mean, I'm sure I've done more useless things, but on the whole, this weekend was utterly unproductive...which was just fine by me. After Welcome Back Night on Friday, I didn't do anything. Seriously. I slept and wrote some short stories and added a few pages to my book, then I slept some more, ate pizza and watched every episode of Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles online. I don't think I've spent much time doing anything else...or even bothering to get out of bed.

I mean, I did shower and eat food and such, but otherwise, I just sat on my bed and attached myself to my laptop and thought of nothing better to do with my time. It was nice, but I should probably not do this again anytime soon. It's bad for the health of an individual to be so...lazy. Heh. Anyway, nothing new here, but I am including the next winter break post I wrote. There were only 5 and one was literally a sentence. :)

Oh, and I finally got my copy of The Complete Works of Oscar Wilde in the mail on Saturday! I will have fun with all 1200 pages I hope!!!

Songs to consider:

You Be the Anchor That Keeps My Feet On The Ground, I'll Be The Wings That Keep Your Heart In The Clouds (Mayday Parade)
I'd Hate To Be You When People Find Out What This Song Is About (Mayday Parade)

Backlog Journal Entry #3 (29 December 2008, 7:30 PM)

It’s sometimes much harder to suffer in silence when you want to the most. It’s like a threshold has been breached when you didn’t even know there was one to breach in the first place. A heart wrenching moment that feels like it’s almost too hard to bear. Like you want to cry and scream and run away as fast as you can. Anguish. Is that the word I’m looking for? Caution means nothing anymore and no one ever warned you that pain could feel so…numb. It’s hard to describe even. Like you’re desperately trying to choke down the truth so no one else knows you have something to hide. And the worst part is, she’s not me. I knew I would never be it, but I still can’t accept that she is. That she’s what he wants and needs and longs for in the most shallow and immediate kind of way. Nothing like that lasts, but watching something so transient and temporary is much harder than watching something set in stone; permanent and concrete. And the thing is, no one else notices. If he’s happy, they’re happy; it’s that simple.

I watch like a ghost. Is it past or present? Watching as the lies weave themselves throughout the scene: smiles and glances and small intimate gestures. The others pretending they don’t see or understand. Pretending that it will all work out better than it did the last time…and the time before that…and once more before that. Years of failure going unnoticed and ignored in the hopes of something better. Something clearer and more precise: like everyone thinks they know this time it’ll work out somehow.

How curious I am. Do they notice how I suffer? Can they see through my lies? Do they pretend I sit quietly off and away because I enjoy watching more than participating? Delusions. Careless. Dangerous. Fleeting. I’m afraid I can’t take much more. Not here. Not now. I’m breaking apart slowly, crawling away to die in silence. Alone.

Songs to Consider:

Sic Transit Gloria…Glory Fades (Brand New)

Everything I could give is everything you couldn't take

I realized tonight that I forgot a few things.

One, I'm not terrible with people. If I put my mind to it, I can actually entertain and be entertained by new people. It's funny how I forget that I can be personable and witty and hold the attention of others. It pleases me to do so well.

Two, I am a good writer. Well, sometimes I don't think so, but when I muster the courage to share my writing, I always get positive feedback and that makes me feel a lot better about enjoying the whole art of writing.

Three, I wrote journal entries over winter break and only ever posted one. So to continue the trend, albeit, a little late, I shall include backlog #2 for your reading enjoyment.

With that, I think I've got few other little things I'd like to write before I sleep tonight, so I'm going to get back to that now.

Songs to consider:

Miserable At Best (Mayday Parade)
Yellow Cat (Slash) Red Cat (Say Anything)

Backlog Journal Entry #2 (26 December 2008, 11:37 PM)

Today had me thinking about alone time, about how much I wish for it when I can’t have it. I’m essentially stuck inside this…box with four other people who don’t care that they sit around and watch TV or play video games or sleep all day and don’t get one ounce of privacy. I suppose it’s not something that bothers a lot of people, but it bothers me. When I finally dragged myself out of sleep (I’d say bed, but I don’t actually have one of those), it was noon and something like sixty degrees outside. That’s right, sixty the day after Christmas. Absurd, one might say. So I pretty much bolted out the door once I managed to strap shoes on my feet and took off on my bike to enjoy the rare warm winter day. I hadn’t really given myself a chance to take a bike ride in a really long time so I naturally jumped at the opportunity. I ended up riding around some random road I didn’t know existed that looks straight out of a small country town. The houses are spaced far apart and the drives are all gravel. There are even a few places with horses and all other manner of farm life around. It was pleasant to get some fresh air and have a little bit of an adventure. I think I rode about two miles by the time all was said and done. It’s not much, but it felt good regardless. And since it was icy yesterday and sixty today, it was very wet out. I felt like I did when I was a kid riding my bike around after a big storm just to find all the big mud puddles to ride through. Though this time I avoided all manner of puddles, I still got pretty muddy what with all the water still on the roads. Sometimes I think it would be nice to have a splashguard on my back tire, but it’s so retro that I’m usually glad I don’t have one. At any rate, it was nice to get out for a bit and escape this box for once. It’s beginning to drive me mad that I can’t just go into a room and close the door and spend some time alone. Right now I’m having a hard time not feeling completely annoyed that I can’t just go for a walk or close a door to be by myself. I’m being forced to listen to a petty argument that makes me just want to grab the phone and hang it up. It’s so unnecessary sometimes to argue with people that I just don’t understand why it even starts in the first place. I would normally write to let out my irritation, but since that’s what I’m doing now and it’s just making me angrier that I can’t keep my focus, I might need to stop. Oh, well. I suppose that’s my cue to be proactive and leave my thoughts in my head for now. Until later…

Songs to consider:

So Cold (Breaking Benjamin)

The only thing worse than not knowing is you thinking that I don't know

Strange, but I haven't felt bored lately. Seems trivial, but I'm used to feeling bored all the time, so to not recall the last specific time I truly felt bored is a rare thing. It's probably all psychological. I only think I'm bored when I want to do something and there's nothing to do. I'm not bored now because all the stuff I want to do is right there to do whenever I feel like doing it. Like, writing or reading or watching a movie. It's all there to do anytime I want it.

In other news, my first event is tomorrow. For those of you who are now confused, Welcome Back Night is tomorrow and I am the director of the committee that paid to bring a hip hop performer to campus. This was all arranged before I was the director, but it's the first time I'll be in charge of an event and I'm a little bit apprehensive. I'm sure it'll go fine, but I'm not used to working with bands or anything like that so it'll be a new experience. :)

For now though, I'm just going to listen to Fall Out Boy and think forward to the concert on my birthday that I will be enjoying.

Songs to consider:

7 Minutes In Heaven (Atavan Halen)
Brown Eyes (Lady Gaga)

Someday we'll want what's better

I'm doing well so far in my resolve to feel healthier. Swimming seems to be my weapon of choice, but it's supplemented by several other, less pleasant endeavors. I'm discovering new muscles in places I've never hurt before, but it's all part of the satisfaction I feel, so I've really got no complaint there.

The weekend was...quiet. I'm both glad for it and slightly irritated by it. I could have done more, but it felt okay to not do anything important. It's good for my mental health, I've decided. All the activity I managed to do this weekend has made me extremely tired and more focused at once. It's a strange feeling to want to do something more at the same time your body refuses to expend more energy. It'll work out though.

I had the chance to re-watch a favorite movie of mine this afternoon. It's about a game of dare that lasts the characters' entire lives. They just one up each other and at times, they hurt one another and betray their obvious feelings for each other. It's both fascinating and sad to watch, but it ends ideally, even if somewhat oddly and that makes the whole thing worth it. Plus, it's a french language film so you've got to work for the story which is much more satisfying I think.

I think I should probably try to fall asleep now. I am going to attempt a 20-30 minute run tomorrow, so I want to be rested up for that.

Songs to consider:

Someday (Plain White T's)

And if you are interested in the movie, it's called Love Me If You Dare.

Beat but I'm not broken

Today was just like yesterday. I think the only difference was...I didn't care that it was ordinary or uninteresting, I just went through it and never felt the need to complain about anything terribly important. Maybe it's always just one little thing here or there that makes an ordinary day worth the trouble of getting out of bed to deal with it. Today, I started a new book. I only got through chapter 1 before I ran out of time to read, but somehow that was enough. Then, I got to take minutes at a meeting. That might sound like the worst thing ever, but when I write minutes, I tend to add in little things like how people are talking or how people are reacting to the situation at hand and that makes it incredibly fun. It's not so much taking minutes as it is narrating a small portion of time for other people's enjoyment and education.

Anyway, the day went. I bought the complete works of Oscar Wilde and now I eagerly await it's arrival so I can immerse myself in a person's writing that I actually enjoy, understand and sometimes relate to. Til then, I'll just keep creeping people out when I walk around singing out loud. Try it, it can be a good time.

Songs to consider:

Misery Loves Its Company (The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus)

I must confess, I'm in love with my own sins

Today is...too ordinary. Woke up to the snow, wished for the rain and the warm and the sun again. I bet that when the snow blows away for good I'll wish it was back, in my face, in my hair, under my cold feet. Listened to the world change, didn't help it along like I should have. Learned something I didn't care about, couldn't bring myself to resent the useless information despite my best attempts. Came home too hot, too tired. Cold pizza, warm despite my best intentions. Dirty laundry, literal and figurative. Guilty pleasures, secret amusements. Water from the tap, not quite what I wanted, but better than I asked for. Bright lights, work, mundane. Bite marks in my skin. On purpose, out of boredom. Will I write, will I forget? No. Not today. Music. Thoughts. Pi. It's 3:14.

Songs to consider:

America's Suitehearts (Fall Out Boy)

I'm half doomed and you're semi-sweet

I'd say I was getting tired of my moods being forced to swell and burst if I wasn't swelling with joy just at this moment. I got kicked off the RBD...again. Twice in one week must be a record. After feeling annoyed for ten minutes, I realized that I didn't care and in fact, now I have more time to devote to my book, which actually makes me happy to think about. Then...as if I couldn't feel any better today, someone told me that Fall Out Boy was going to be in Chicago on my birthday! Which is the day after the last day of classes and I am going no matter what! I would sell my right lung to pay for it if I had to. Heh.

Anyway. Fall Out Boy. May 9th. Chicago. I will be there!

Also, my book is coming along nicely. I'd say it'll be about 67 pages by the time I sleep tonight. That is, if I don't add any more to it tonight. If I do, it might have 70 or so before I pass out. It makes me extremely happy to write something that isn't completely about me or my worries and such so I'm going to keep writing until I can't anymore. Wish me luck!

Songs to consider:

Disloyal Order of Water Buffaloes (Fall Out Boy)

We just wanna be whole

I'm feeling some inexpressible emotion, like...frustration and...impatience and...something else I can't even understand. But I'm not frustrated or impatient with anything that I can verbalize. No person or thing has given me reason to feel these feelings, so I'm at a loss to describe it. The best I can do is to explain it away by blaming myself for the frustration and impatience. I'm not sure if that'll help at all, but...maybe.

These first weeks of school are always weird to me. I mean, it's the same every semester, but it's also completely different and complicated. I don't have homework, my meetings are swift and work is just about as boring as always. I feel compelled to continue in my quest to write a book, but I'm always afraid I don't have the time to devote to a real effort and thus lose all the potential writing time while I worry. A conundrum.

I think I will try though. Writing makes the rest of the world feel like somebody else's problem. I'm wondering how much I'll get done by the time conference season comes around. It's always busier this time of year and I want to see how much I can get out of me before I become too distracted. I've got the weekend, with it's extra day, to work. I'm confident I'll get something done, even if it's more editing.

Songs to consider:

We Are Broken (Paramore)

A little distraction is all one needs

"Oh as I was young and easy in the mercy of his means,
Time held me green and dying
Though I sang in my chains like the sea." - Fern Hill (Dylan Thomas)

Magnets

Not wanting to be ridiculously early for work, I ate my breakfast slowly, one Cheerio at a time. Then, when I’d washed the dishes, I arranged the magnets on the fridge into a perfect line. Maybe I was developing obsessive-compulsive disorder.

The last two magnets — round black utilitarian pieces that were my favorites because they could hold ten sheets of paper to the fridge without breaking a sweat — did not want to cooperate with my fixation. Their polarities were reversed; every time I tried to line the last one up, the other jumped out of place.

For some reason — impending mania, perhaps — this really irritated me. Why couldn’t they just play nice? Stupid with stubbornness, I kept shoving them together as if I was expecting them to suddenly give up. I could have flipped one over, but that felt like losing. Finally, exasperated at myself more than the magnets, I pulled them from the fridge and held them together with two hands. It took a little effort — they were strong enough to put up a fight — but I forced them to coexist side-by-side.

“See,” I said out loud — talking to inanimate objects, never a good sign — “That’s not so horrible, is it?”

I stood there like an idiot for a second, not quite able to admit that I wasn’t having any lasting effect against scientific principles. Then, with a sigh, I put the magnets back on the fridge, a foot apart.

“There’s no need to be so inflexible,” I muttered.

- Eclipse

Every now and again

Today is a music day. I suppose, being the last official day of freedom before my last semester start, I feel the need to do even less than normal during a school break. It hardly seems fair that after I graduate, I have to be a real adult and work and pay for things and clean all the time. I do all that now, but there's still plenty of time to waste doing nothing now and again. Heh. I can't say if I'll mind so much though. I've sort of been tired of the school part of school for the last three years or so. I suppose I'll be both happy and sad to go when the time comes. It's weird to think about, so I'm just going to...not. At least for now.

But like I said, a good day for music. It's so nice to just sit here and listen to music and read a book and occasionally speak with someone about trivial things. Makes everything feel so...normal. I'm also trying to think about classes tomorrow. I don't even have my first class until one in the afternoon and the just seems strange to me. What ever will I do with myself before that? Especially since after one, my day is full up until midnight. I guess I'll have those feelings tomorrow night when my first day is over. :)

Well, I'm going to go back to artfully wasting my time. I may even rearrange some furniture...just to make the flow of the room different. Enjoy your Sunday, whoever you may be.

Songs to consider:

Fall For You (Secondhand Serenade)
Anything (Mae)
Hotel Roosevelt (Augustana)

I can't force these eyes to see the end

I was going to write something a little more lighthearted because of the good mood I was in. I was having an on-day with my wit and humor and it was making me happy to think about it. Then someone became irritating to me and now I'm in a edgier mood. Not a bad mood, just a little less witty and perhaps a little more sarcastic and impatient. I do hate that a bit about myself. I talked a little about that last night, but sometimes I really think my mood gets worse because someone bursts a bubble within me. It makes me feel more aggressive. It would be easier to understand if you could see the haste and roughness in my typing.

I'm trying to get myself back into a mellow mood, but it's difficult when I think about it. I feel the impatience in the way I have to drum my fingers on everything if I'm just sitting here otherwise motionless. I should really practice my stillness. I used to be about to stand for hours and not be bothered by it, but now I can't seem to stand still. Heh. I bet I'm amusing to watch when I have no patience. Constantly touching things or shifting around or having to have something in my hands to play with.

See? I'm better already. Silly mood swings. They only last a minute or two and now I'm back. I really need a snack though. Hunger makes me lethargic. I don't like that mood either. Enjoy.

Songs to consider:

Hallelujah (Paramore) --> I'm on a kick, so sue me.

I'm not so naive, my sorry eyes can see

Living proof that restraint is not only possible, but preferred. I have this nasty habit of feeling guilty when I express my anger to those who cause it, but if I can manage to be graceful about it and carefully avoid throwing a temper tantrum, I do actually feel good about myself.

Today was filled with a lot of ups and downs. I'll be the first to admit that I am hard pressed to control my emotions at times, but those mood swings are usually a more private affair and the cause and effect is not so widespread. Heh. I wonder what tomorrow will be like. Will it be as outrageous as today, or will problems solve themselves with a little more finesse?

One more thing. I have decided, and I am certainly not the only one, that the term "rules are rules" can only be used if you are a coward. If you disagree, I suggest taking a careful look at any situation where you did not want to feel guilt over rules being broken. I'd be willing to bet that you were the coward then and I can only hope you've learned from the shameful experience. I have, and I hope to prove myself right. I'm not be self-righteous or anything, but I know that this time, I'm right and there's not much more that can be accomplished after that fact.

I think it's that time where a little bit of music and heat need mix with my mental exhaustion to produce a healthy dose of restless dreaming, but still somewhat satisfying sleep. Until the conclusion of my next adventure, I hope this satisfies you.

Songs to consider:

For A Pessimist, You're Pretty Optimistic (Paramore)

Dis"chord"

Emotional: Arousing or characterized by intense feeling

Outburst: A sudden release of strong emotion

Restraint: A measure or condition that keeps something or someone under control or within limits

I'm finding it difficult to quietly contain the surge or sudden internalized hatred I am feeling right now. Shaking hands, shallow breathing, irregular heartbeat, sweating. If it wasn't for the look on my face and how tightly my jaw was clenched shut, I might be afraid of something. The piano usually helps soothe me, bring me back down from whatever emotion I am overdosing on. And if that doesn't help, a hot shower would be in order. Neither, sadly, helped me this time. And the worst part is, I'm so angry at myself that I could almost laugh out loud.

Scenario #1: Continue to ignore the person and be angry at yourself for missing them in the meantime.

Scenario #2: Respond, place anger where it is deserved, feel guilty.

Scenario #3: Pretend you are no longer angry, respond politely, kick yourself for being a pushover.

I think that's what I would call being stuck between two mental rocks and a mental hard place.

Solution: Practice breathing, write about your anger, feel calmer, pretend the angry outburst didn't exist in the first place, be happier.

Oh, thank goodness that actually worked. That my rare reader, was me going from intensely angry to calm and restrained once more. Heh, let us I hope I stay that way. At least until my unstated emotions can be resolved where and when it is appropriate. 'Til then...

Songs to consider:

Le Onde (Ludovico Einaudi) --> On repeat, it does eventually calm me

Just don't let me fall asleep feeling empty again

"Some things I'll never know and I had to let them go."

Living without the internet gives one a lot of time to waste. I did just that. I read and reread the same book approximately three times, watched about 40 hours of the news, slept like I was in a coma, went through a box of benadryl, took half as many showers as I should have, watched one movie twice and finally got to eat Thai food. I also enjoyed the two days during which the temperature reached 66 degrees, had one nightmare and maybe half a dozen dreams, cooked food too often and did not satisfy my recent craving for pancakes (despite having eaten them about eight times in the last two and a half weeks). In that time frame I also spent an entire paycheck on Christmas presents, gained a half a dozen new shirts (as if I needed them), was threatened to be punched in the face if I ever lived at home again (threat deserved) and finally got over my weird aversion to listening to music over winter break. I hit a car, got angry, cleaned house, cried twice during a three hour long movie, wished I could leave of my own free will and drank water from Wales. I tried to convince myself I didn't have an obsession, washed a month's worth of laundry...twice, and wrote more of my book. I slept on a couch, cuddled with a cat and went on an adventure with my mom. I wrote blog entries too. Five I think. And I will post one a day after my normal post for you all to read. Now I'm unpacked, hot and listening to some good music loudly to take advantage of the empty building. I think that's all. For now.

Songs to consider:

Pressure (Paramore)
Presume Too Much (Merz)
Pretty (The Cranberries)
Pretty (Ugly Before) (Elliott Smith)

And yes...those are alphabetical on my iPod.

Backlog Journal Entry #1 (26 December 2008, 2:04 AM)

I find myself thinking about age. What it does to a person and what a person does to it. Can it really be up to the universe to determine how our lives are changed year-by-year, day-by-day? It’s an odd concept; time. No one really knows what to do with it and we all seem to have too much of it and too little of it all at once. Years flash by like moments but a moment can last a person forever. I know that I can spend hours just dreaming up scenarios that will never come to pass, but I can hardly waste a second on other things that matter. I don’t want to be old. I don’t want to ever forget what time feels like, what it’s done to me. I think about living my childhood again, but it would still be the first time I would spend it as a child. I always felt out of place, at odds with nature when I was expected to be young and act young and now that I’m a little older, I wonder what it would be like to be so carefree again, to feel no worry or anxiety about what would happen to me. I can’t understand how I worry so much, yet so little. I constantly think about how bad things seem and how lucky I would be if I were a different person brought up in different circumstances. I wouldn’t be me, but would I appreciate my life more? I don’t know. I know nothing but the world I see with my own two eyes. I absorb things so thoroughly sometimes that I think I forget to appreciate beauty…and sadness. I cry when the tears come to me and laugh when I feel it inside, but I worry constantly that I don’t laugh or cry enough. Am I not compassionate enough? Am I too passionate? I can’t know because the only judge I’ve been given is myself. How will I know what to think if I’ve only ever experienced my own life? Is it so hard to believe that if things had been easier for me as a child, that my life would be easier as an adult? I don’t know if I can believe that anymore. I am the sum of all of my moments. My life would be entirely different had one thing in my past not happened. Who’s to say if that would make me more fortunate or not? I can pretend that life might be better, but why dream of the past? It’s not going to change for me no matter what I think. It’s funny to look into someone else’s life and see things you want for yourself…right alongside things you would never want to be burdened with. If you dream of fame and fortune, you lose your privacy and sometimes your sense of self. If you dream of being beautiful, you lose your freedom of choice. You must work hard to get what you have and if it’s not enough, you must simply work harder. I know I complain a lot; about not sleeping enough or not eating properly or having too much to do or too little. I pretend to hate being alone, but dislike being with people too. I ache and I burn and I suffer…just like everyone else. It doesn’t matter that I failed at one thing because it’s just another experience that makes up my life. Who knows what that failure will give you later in life. Something good will come eventually. Heh. I sometimes love being negativistic, and using wit and sarcasm to make a bad situation seem worse, but on the inside, I just want to feel better about being alone, being lonely. Like a schoolyard bully, I only want to be loved more, judged less. I’m inwardly optimistic and sometimes it bursts through my carefully cultivated façade and shows others that I’m not really so bad after all. I do wonder though, is it time that makes me who I am, or is this secretly how all people are?

Inspiration: The Curious Case of Benjamin Button