Are we growing up?

I keep having these fantasies about how I want my life to look like. It's not the, I grow up and fall in love and get married fantasy, it's definitely my own. I imagine myself having a baby. Not falling for some guy and growing old with him and that junk, no...just having the baby. And ideally, the baby's father would be a gay friend of mine. I know that sounds very Will and Grace, but if you think about it, it makes a lot of sense for someone like me. I'm always wanting a relationship, but not really. I want someone to love and take care of but not so much deal with dramatically. I'm a pretty independent person...I just think I need to have someone that needs me. Strange, but I understand me.

Anyway, me and a baby. And we'd travel. Not doing God's work or anything, but helping. Helping the world. Just kind of...lending a hand where ever I am needed. And it'll just be me and my kid. I know you can't do that kind of thing for life, so when my kid starts being more independent, I'd fall for some guy that I've worked with and we'd "settle." Meaning, we'd be there with each other and my son/daughter would love him cause he's a cool guy, but they wouldn't call him dad cause that's just cheesy.

And one day, I'd come home. And my family wouldn't approve of how I'm raising my kid, but my kid wouldn't have it any other way and they'll think it's weird that their cousins stay in one place all the time. And I'll see my kid's dad again for the first time in years (even though we exchange letters) and my kid will love him and he'll be happy in his own life and successful doing what he does. And I'll never be married because I don't need someone else's title. And my kid will grow up and have their own kids and I'll be the coolest grandma any kid could ask for.

But there are sad things too. My mom will die one day and I will frantically fly back to the States to be by her side. And my brother will resent me because it's always him that's around taking care of things and he still thinks our mother loves me more. But it's never true.

And one day, not long after, I'll be too old to travel and I'll only see my son/daughter at the holidays and my grandkids will grow up too fast and I will die too. It won't be sad for me because I loved my life and wouldn't have had it any other way. And my child will weep for me when I die and I will have my ashes scattered into the ocean because it's as everflowing as I was.

That's how I want my life to be. I want to matter and I want to love and I want to be loved. And if at all possible, I want to make things better for someone else. Even if it's just for one person, it will be good enough for me.

Songs to Consider:

Sophomore Slump or Comeback of the Year (Fall Out Boy)