This time it's not all in my head. At least when he sings it I believe him. And he tells me she says I won't end up like him. I sure do hope so. No one wants to end up like their worst aspects. Not like the hidden shameful parts of your mind. It's hard to admit they even exist, and your worst fear is that you will turn into that shame and hurt and pain.
I don't want to be unhappy. I want the days where the fighting is all in good fun and the memories aren't of tears and regret, but of smiles and warmth and laughter. Today I saw someone content. He was sleeping and I just couldn't help watch him. I know that's a little odd, but when you can tell by the look of ease on someone's face when they are dreaming, you feel like there's hope for you too.
When I remember the sunny late afternoons where sleeping is common and soft sounds do nothing to disturb the dreams of your loved ones, I think there's more to life than what is right in front of you. I can't help feeling weighed down by all the things people expect from me, but I know that one day, no one will expect anything but love from me. I wish I had that now, but I do believe that I'll have it one day.
I want to wake up to someone's face. To see him looking at me like no one else looks at me. Sunshine streaming in through the window, the warmth of the covers over my body, the soft stare of a lover. It's what I'd give up a lot for. If I fell in love and had to decide between that love or a life of fabulous riches, I'd be right there...living my modest life full of love.
People call me a pessimist, but I think I hope for more than people realize. I don't parade it around like a challenge for myself, but I quietly consider in every time my life becomes still and slow. One day, I think, I'll have everything.
Songs to consider:
Alien (Thriving Ivory)
Unhappy (thriving Ivory)
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