Times up

I've simply run out of options. I am so sad to think that I can't stay at school and finish what I've started, but the fact of the matter is, I simply don't have the resources to stay any longer. You add that to the desire to be gone from here already and I've really got two very different emotions ripping at me. I really want to accomplish something with my life. Something no one else has done in my family and I can't do that because of money. Plain and simple. Falling between the cracks is just a terrible way to end up and I seem to be finding myself deeper and deeper within the cracks of the system.

No one will let me borrow money to pay for school, and school doesn't allow me to live cheaper or to work enough to pay for classes. I've been offered zero incentive to be here and the only reason I've held on this long is because I feel an obligation to see this huge project through. A degree is backseat to this conference and even though I'd love nothing more than to run this conference and obtain a degree...nothing and no one can help me at this juncture.

I just told my advisor that I'll have to leave by the weekend and that was a lot harder than I imagined. It was like admitting defeat. The system finally brought me down. If only I had the money, I wouldn't have to worry over being here. I need a job, and a vacation for my mental health. I need fresh air and calm. None of that is here. I can't afford to leave either. That's the absolute worst part of it too.

Where will I go? I've been offered a place to stay, but that also hinges on finding a full time job (which I could probably do in Rolla). Then there's the matter of paying off loans in about 6 months. Everyone wants their money back even when I don't have enough money to finish what they financed in the first place. Seems like a huge waste of time and money to be here. I have had a lot of good and bad memories here and forged a lot of lasting friendships, but none of that seems to hold poverty at bay.

I can go one day at a time, but right now, the days are numbered. Friday is day zero and that's just too close for comfort.