Just take a breath and softly say goodbye

Sometimes I find myself wishing I had someone to fight with. I know that seems odd, but I want that feeling. I mean, I want to know that I care about someone deeply enough to hate. I want to know what heartbreak feels like. I want to cry until it feels like I might die. Life feels so fake without loss. Trivial matters aside, I don't cry or scream or laugh. I just want to know what it feels like to be loved more than life itself. I know it's silly, but how can you appreciate love and happiness without sadness and loss?

Something symbolic happened today. It involves Play Doh. I bet you're wondering what it could be. Well I'll tell you. Anyway, my RBD retreat is this weekend. The RBD is now in town (tucked safely into beds) and we had our first business meeting tonight. Well, I ended up seated next to an unnamed certain RBD member for whom I have somewhat uncommon thoughts about. ::cryptic:: Well, Ben (our director) was starting the meeting and brought out a case of play doh. I called for the black one (cause you don't see that often enough) and the guy next to me asked for the white. So we're sitting there and he was like, mix these and see what they look like. So I took the two, black and white, and squished them together. At first, they made a marble pattern, but the longer I mixed them, the more uniform they got. Soon, it was all grey. Then I broke it in half and gave some to my neighbor. So we started out with two separate colors and ended up with the same. You couldn't tell where his ended and mine began. And that just...said something to me. I mean, now he has some of mine and I have some of his.

At any rate, I've just been thinking about the need for someone. Even if that someone is impossible to be with or out of reach. Even if that person would inspire fighting and walking away. I just...have this emptiness that needs filling. And right now, I would really like to have that void be a little less empty. Just to feel a little more human. Meanwhile, I just have to dream about being whole and hope it happens.

Songs to consider:

Here We Are (Breaking Benjamin)