Once I had a lover bright like running water,
Once his face was laughing like the sky;
Open like the sky looking down in all its laughter
On the buttercups, and the buttercups was I.

Here I am, trying to day dream and my day dream self decides she is to have a British accent. And not a particularly good one at that. She refuses to drop the bad accent in favor of my being able to drift off to sleep a little quicker. Rude.

That brutal youth, exhumed and removed...

A couple weeks back, drunk Heather decided it was a good time to air her feelings about the state of my life. That makes it sound harsh, but she was really more sad than anything else. She thought I wasn't happy, and that I wouldn't be until I got started living the life I want to live. That's all well and good, you know...but I think she's missing the forest for the trees. I am living life the way I want to live it (for now), but not exactly the way I'd imagined it. If that were the case, I'd be off in third world countries, nursing sick children back to health, teaching people to read and single-handedly disabling landmines while ending world hunger and achieving world peace. Even then, would I be happy doing it? Who the hell knows?!

I know Heather's intentions were pure and innocent, but I don't really like someone else telling me (in a non-sober state, even) that they think my life sucks. You can't say that until you've seen it from my perspective. No, I'm not off saving the world or becoming famous or any of those other grand dreams people have, but I am alive and living and no worse for it. I'm not unhappy either. Life isn't a ray of sunshine, but I don't find it difficult to see the excitement and pleasure in the little things. I like trying new foods, especially when it comes to cooking them, and I like to live with my head in a book or absorbed in some TV fantasy. I fall asleep at night thinking of how things could be in the future and I don't see the world through any sort of fog or feeling of drudgery.

The way I see it, things could be a lot tougher. We live in a fragile state of the world and as long as I feel like I have a place in it, I'm not going to upset the balance. I feel like I've been letting this stew for quite some time. I kept coming back to the look on her face, the sound of her voice. Pity. Like I have it bad and only by upsetting the balance can things be better. And maybe she's right. But maybe not. I don't want to say I'm complacent, but I feel like I'm in a good transition state. I'm 25-years-old and I feel like life is still right around the corner. I have so many years and adventures ahead that it seems silly to start worrying now. Which is funny since a year ago, I'm sure all I could do was worry. Worry about money and life and why I didn't have either. But I've seen people get by on a lot less than me, and if I can't draw strength from them, then what's the point at all?

For instance, my mom is depressed. And I don't want to hear any crap about how she can be helped out of it easily, because experiencing it firsthand like I have gives you a whole new understanding about people and depression. One minute, we're laughing and enjoying life and then the next, I hear a sigh. And I don't know what to do about it. I can only help as much as she's willing to let me. But I think it's just life in general that has her in a rut. Having never been clinically depressed, my understanding stops with my internet read knowledge on the subject. Sure, I've been sad for extended periods of time, but I had the power within me to tell myself to stop it and move on. (No, literally...I told myself out loud one day that I wasn't going to be sad anymore and...I wasn't, in time.)

It's just not the same with my mom. I think she's just lonely. I'm here with her, but I'm an adult, capable of caring for myself without a mother to mother me. And I don't think she's ever been alone. Not one moment of her entire life. And I think that weight just sits on her and makes every silver lining draw itself around a huge dark cloud swollen with self doubt, sadness and misery. I mentioned to her once that she needed to live in a senior living complex. She thought I meant a nursing home, but no, I meant an apartment full of people just like her: finally left to take care of only herself. She has hobbies, which makes me happy, because without those, I think she'd truly be lost. So we're just taking this jumbled mess we call life one day at a time. Some days it's harder, but we muddle through.

The big challenge will be this weekend. I'm flying off to Albuquerque again and she'll be home, left to her own devices. This city really drags her down. I keep saying we need to get out, go someplace new for a few days, but we keep pushing it off and so here we are, still waiting for vacation to show up and carry us away on a magical cloud of booze and whimsy (her's might not be the same cloud...). Alas, she will make it through, and life will grind back to a start when I show up windswept and exhausted, hoping for a good mom-made meal. Things will get better. For her and for me. We walk two different paths, but I suspect we are headed the same place. Best not worry about tomorrow until it's today.

Songs to consider:

Sad Savior (Taking Back Sunday)

Give me a reason to believe this world is not a sick machine

I was just scrolling through some old posts and read up on what I was doing this time last year. Surprise, I was packing to move to my apartment. And now I'm packing to move back to my mom's place. I don't mind really, cause I will actually have a room this time around. It wasn't exactly what I wanted to do, but I can't really afford my own place and don't know anyone who I'd like to live with at this point. My brother is finally moving out (which I think for him is a good thing) and with me around, my mom might actually take an interest in keeping herself healthy. Not that I'm the picture of health, but I do seem to be a motivator in the eating dinner category of life. At the moment, things are going just fine. About to move, working like usual, so on and so forth. I've got a few things coming up in the next few months, so after the move I should be busy for a while. Heather wants to throw a Harry Potter party (think Yes, Man) before the last movie comes out and my mom and I are going to Tennessee to visit family in early August. Should be good times.

The last week or so I've been sleeping in my living room. Seems weird, but I've actually slept a lot better out here. I think there's mold under the carpet in my bedroom, so it's been messing with me for the last few months. I'm going to make sure the complex knows they need to rip it out, else the next tenants might run into the same problem. Which would suck for them. But, whatever. I won't have to worry about it after next weekend. I'll just have to worry about my mom's place. Once it gets a good cleaning, it shouldn't be too bad. The place just needs some dusting and a little bit of TLC, and it'll be good to go. You can see that my life is just chock full of excitement!

Anyway, I'm really not up to anything new. Made a couple new friends via Aaron and Heather recently. Two guys that work with Aaron up in St. Joe and one their girlfriends. All nice, grown up people. So weird to think that's what we all are now. Still working out the kinks in that. :)

I'm gonna get back to my laundry and reading and whatnot now. I might pop in again soon if anything exciting happens. But, it probably won't. I'm out.

Songs to consider:

Reason To Believe (Sum 41)
I Don't Like (Done With Dolls)
Blood On My Hands (The Used)

This guy makes me feel like Shakespeare. But I did get a good hearty laugh out of it.

I swallow the sound and it swallows me whole

I wasn't able to post for a while because an error kept popping up, so even though I wrote a post a few weeks ago, it just sat as a draft. Tried again today and voila! So below the post I'm making now is the post I made then. You know, if you're interested in that kind of thing...

Nothing new, basically. Trying to kick this cold I've had for almost two weeks now. Sleeping a lot. Sitting about the apartment, being a bum. That's it. New playlist below.

Playlist: My Own Sick Pride

1. Sail (AWOLNATION)
2. Talking Bird (Demo) (Death Cab for Cutie)
3. Woods (Bon Iver)
4. Drumming Song (Florence + The Machine)
5. Cousins (Vampire Weekend)
6. Annie Waits (Ben Folds)
7. In One Ear (Cage The Elephant)
8. I Spy (Guster)
9. Floating Vibes (Surfer Blood)
10. Howlin' For You (The Black Keys)
11. I Was A Teenage Anarchist (Against Me!)
12. Girlfriend (Phoenix)
13. Dressed Sharply (An Horse)
14. This is Why We Fight (The Decemberists)
15. Awake My Soul (Mumford & Sons)
16. New Fang (Them Crooked Vultures)
17. October (Broken Bells)
18. Holiday From Real (Jack's Mannequin)
19. Boy With a Coin (Iron & Wine)

Post from April 14th - 

I feel like I only post here when I've made a new playlist. But in all honesty, I just haven't been awake enough to really have anything new to say. I worked a lot, ran a wedding, worked some more, became an Aunt, and now I'm just trying to take it slow so I can recover. It's been a whirlwind few weeks. But I was inspired to make a new mix after starting to re-watch the first season of Fringe. The dynamic between the two main characters (Peter and Olivia) is very push-pull and so a lot of emotion is conveyed through looks more than through words and actions. It makes it seem a little sad, but it's not supposed to be. So this is a little (a lot) more laid back than the last few, but it's the kind of mood I'm in right now. Just...chill. It's a good kind of mood, I think. No worries, no rushing, no nothing. I'm just laying here, relaxing. It's a good feeling. I'm just gonna ride the wave for a while. Still got a few things coming up, but if I conserve my energy, it won't be too hard to get through. And now to the music!


Title: The Same Mistakes As You


1. Illuminated by Hurts
2. Come Around by Rosi Golan
3. A Lack of Color by Death Cab For Cutie
4. Nobody Sees by Powderfinger
5. Shattered by Trading Yesterday
6. I'd Come For You by Nickleback
7. Save A Place by 1969
8. When The Heartache Ends by Rob Thomas
9. I Found A Reason (Velvet Underground Cover) by Cat Power
10. My Skin by Natalie Merchant
11. Find A Way by The Used
12. For Once In My Life by Vonda Shepard
13. Loving Ghosts by Vedera
14. Almost Lover by A Fine Frenzy
15. Secrets by OneRepblic




Find A Way by The Used was actually the song that Heather (the new Mrs. Beck) and her grandfather danced to for the father-daughter dance at her wedding. It was very nice and definitely unique in terms of traditional wedding songs. It was lovely. As was the rest of the wedding. The weather was awesome, I somehow pulled all of the chaos that is Aaron and Heather into a decent calm just long enough for them to marry without a hitch. Just the usual comedic moments and such. I'm glad it's over, but it was a lot of fun when it happened.


And the baby! 32 or so hours of labor and WAY too many visitors later, Jay had little Roslyn a couple days ago. (Pic and stats below) I didn't get a whole lot of sleep and darned it all that I spent 13 hours in the Labor and Delivery unit just for the baby to arrive two hours after I had to leave for work. Already ornery and stubborn...just like her parents. She's gonna give them hell, and I'll be cheering her on the whole way. ;)


Well, my new mix is slowly lulling me into a stupor, so I think I'll leave it here for now and maybe I'll come back before too long with something else to say. Night for now.

Roslyn Jade Seely-Perez

April 12, 2011, 10:13 PM CST

8 lbs. 6 oz.

20 inches long

there's no hint that i'm trying to give you

oh my talking bird
though you know so few words
they're on infinite repeat
and your brain can't keep up with your beak
and you're kept in an open cage
so you're free to leave or stay
and sometimes this makes you confused
but there's no hint that i'm trying to give you
and the longer you think
the less you know what to do
it's hard to see your way out
when you live in a house in a house
cause you don't realize
that the windows were open the whole time
but oh my talking bird
though your feathers are tattered and curved
i'll love you all your days
till the breath leaves your fragile frame
and it's all here for you
as long as you choose to stay
it's all here for you
as long as you don't fly away

death cab for cutie