Melodies and manifestos

I'm being stretched very thin here. For a moment, I feel that even if I'm not in the best place in life, things will be okay. But the next, life feels terribly wrong. Not that I'm suffering in life or anything like that, but it's hard to feel emotionally present. I want a place to belong, but I can't get myself there without help. I didn't belong in Boston where I was working, and I don't belong with my family. I've got a mother that loves me deeply, but my relationship with my brother is broken at best. He's got it in his head that our mother loves me more than him and will do anything in his power to break me down psychologically. I'm not really sure what to do to fix that and it's draining me so much that I feel like I don't have a a home to come back to anymore.

So I've decided a few things just now. I've been thinking about my career path and life goals lately and decided that it's about time for a change. If I can't fix what's already been broken, then maybe it's time to move on and start things anew. Here it is.

Life: I'm a humanist. I don't believe that the suffering of humanity is deserved. People suffer because bad things happen sometimes. I think everyone has equal right to live and that no one should suffer or die in vain. In that, I think that all living creatures should have equal right to live and because of this belief I have decided that it would be in my best interest to no longer eat meat and from this day forward, I am a vegetarian. So that's new.

I'm not very good at controlling my anger and sadness, so that is also a goal I am going to work toward (being emotionally healthier, that is). Also, I am going to try to be healthier physically. You know, not cooping myself up in a house and being sad about not having anything to do. I'm going to go out and play or walk or read. Also something new.

All of this falls in line with my life goals. I want to graduate with a degree (in what, I'm still not sure), join the Peace Corps to start making a difference, and start doing humanitarian work when I complete a tour with the Corps. I'm hoping to work with the United Nations and live abroad and work and live peacefully and help the world be a better place. And even if I only help one person, I'll have done enough to live a full life.

So that's that. I feel like being healthier and happier and I hope that deciding these few things will help me start feeling better now. This fall, my goals are to go to class and work all the time, finish the projects I've started, do all my homework and get good grades and also to get a passport so I can leave the country if I so wish. Guess that's about all for now. Even writing it all down makes me feel a bit better about things. Perhaps remembering it all will get me through the days leading up to school starting. I think it just might.