You have only been gone ten days but already I am wasting away

All things considered, I'm doing pretty okay. I got a new job (exicted!) and things haven't really gotten worse in the mental department either. God, I sound like a nut case. Heh. Anyway, I just mean that since I said to myself that things wouldn't get better by me feeling bad about it all, I've been doing decently well. I do have to remind myself from time to time that feeling sad is just dumb, but generally, I feel a little more positive about things. Tonight was a little off though. I went to watch two of my friends perform songs at a coffee house and while I do enjoy their company and antics, the large number of people there that I only somewhat know or don't know at all really didn't put me at ease. I like people and generally I handle them pretty well, but when it's a group of people that practically grew up together (and I'm being literal here), I just feel a little...alienated.

I stuck to it though and ended up having a pretty good time. I knew enough of them to get by and those I didn't know were nice enough. Played a lot of Go Fish. Maybe I should have mentioned that all these people know each other through church. All their parents grew up together too and I imagine a large number of them will have children that grow up together like they did. It's a little weird, but understandable in such a community. Definitely the outsider. No harm though.

I was sitting there listening to the music when for some reason, an Incubus song popped into my head. I Miss You to be exact. It's a good song. Sad, but good. I used to listen to it all the time about 4 or 5 years ago. It just, felt good then. And literally as soon as I thought about it and mentioned it to my friend Heather (who is a huge fan of Incubus), they played that song. It was crazy. We definitely weren't near enough for them to overhear, so it was quite a coincidence. A good one though.

Like I said, it's a sad song. I clung to it for that reason. I can really pinpoint places in my life that I've needed something like that to cling to. Just a song that pretty much describes exactly how it is you feel with such detail that you could swear they wrote it about you. That was then. I have one now too. It's probably a little obvious, but that's okay. I think it applied more from maybe October to a few weeks ago. Now I'm getting to where it doesn't so much and it makes me happy that I'm moving forward. The song was mentioned in my last post I think. Breakeven by The Script. Just switch the gender roles in that and it is perfect. Heh. Maybe not perfect, but pretty damn near.

I was reading earlier about Lincoln. A little odd, I know, but I sometimes read about things just to read about them. The article was talking about how sometimes Lincoln would be in a state of melancholy, and that today, we would call that clinical depression. I kind of disagree. Because I would use the word melancholy for myself on occasion, but I just can't align that with depression. Having grown up around a severely depressed person, I just don't see that in myself. I get sad or lonely or irritated sometimes, but it never lasts for more than a little while. And these last few months have really tested my ability to keep my head above the water, so to speak. I don't think depression is a weakness for anyone, but I just don't feel like that it's what has a hold of me.

It's like... the world really does work against you sometimes. And it takes a very strong will to fight back. Sometimes people just get tired of fighting so hard; especially when you continue to yield little if any positive results from it. I've fought off a lot of things in life and I can completely understand how it would just take everything out of a person. It's not fair to say it's something they can prevent. But I do think that if you have the will to fight, you should use it. Maybe that's just the stubborn streak in me though. Never did like giving up. And in a lot of ways, I still haven't given up anything I've lost so far. I still look to the future and think that one day I'll right all the wrongs. I'll face every bad memory and do some justice. I'll confront my fears and my doubts, even about myself. I can't say that I'm optimistic about it all ALL the time, but I can say that even when I feel so low that I can't possibly feel worse, I just think, "Well this is it. It's gotta get better from here."

I'm just babbling now. But this was just stuff I had on my mind, even if I didn't realize it. It's good just to get it out there once in a while. I feel less confused, my mind less clouded. Which I think is now why I feel hungry. :)

Oh, well. I had some other stuff I was thinking about, but... another day.

Songs to consider:

I Miss You (Incubus)

Heartbreak Warfare (John Mayer)