Finding optimism

I'm finding it very difficult these days to feel like anything in life is okay. I've just had a string of not so pleasant things happen to me over the past several months and it's getting a lot harder to see that things will be better anytime soon. I have no job, no money, no one to rely on when I need it and few friends or close acquaintances to turn to when I feel like things are bad. Some days it's okay and I can find little things to look forward to, but more often than not, things just don't look good. No one will hire me, I sleep on my mom's couch, so that pretty much throws out any social life, someone wrecked into my pity car so it's not a very viable thing right now, and I'm finding that I can't continually rely on those around me to pick me up when I'm down.

I mean, I know it's not all bad. People around me love me and take care of me, probably more than I deserve. I have a warm place to go to at night and clean clothes and food. But sometimes the basics just don't cover it. I can't read and enjoy it, I don't have a positive outlook on the days ahead and the repetitive nature of my life right now is just...overwhleming. It hasn't helped that I've felt sick a lot in the past couple of months or that I can't seem to see others' happiness as a good thing. I'm just in a rut. I don't know if it's bottom, but it feels a little too close for my comfort.

So all I can think to do is start over. And don't I wish it were that simple and easy. I just want to move far away where no one knows me or my troubles, find a job that I'm good at and enjoy and just...start fresh. I don't want to be jealous of the happiness and success of my friends, I don't want to remind myself constantly of my own failings and I don't want to wallow in self-pity. It's just getting to the place I need to be that seems to be so difficult right now. And there's no one else to blame but me. I should have relied on myself from the start, and I didn't. I just put all my hopes on everything that didn't pan out.

So right now, I have two simple goals. Two, because I have to work at one, and just wait for the other. Diversity. The first is to find (another) job. Preferably not one that's temporary. I've now had two of those and I'd like to go into a job not knowing that it'll be over sooner than I'd like it to be. The second is to make it to March. I'm supposed to go on a vacation with my mom and no matter where it ends up being, leaving this place, a place where I associate all of these negative things, will be very good for my health, mentally and physically.

It sucks that I have to whine to make myself feel better, but sometimes there just isn't an alternative.

I wish I could sleep until life looked better, but even I know that's just wishful thinking. Maybe the next time I get an inkling to write down something here, I won't sound sad and depressed, but uplifted and happy. Glad that I got through the worst of what life has to offer. I hope.

I won't quit running away

Haven't been around in a while. Quick update: Quit my data entry job (it was about to end anyway), got a new job at Hobby Lobby (just ended Saturday), looking for a new job now, planning on fixing up my car this summer with Aaron Beck's help, made Tuesday the unofficial movie night to see $5 movies at the theatre, pondering what to do with my Sunday afternoons when football is officially over, working through the first four seasons of Ghost Whisperer, cleaning to keep my sanity, took a trip to the ER after I fell unconscious for 10 minutes at work, trying to figure out why I can't sleep, and overall just trying to take it easy. That's pretty much my life as I see it right now.

I was watching an episode of Ghost Whisperer this morning where Three Days Grace performs at a club on the show. Thus, I have discovered (a few years late) a good band called Midnight Hour. Check them out on MySpace or Purevolume sometime. Their debut album is on pre-order.

Here are the lyrics to the song that officially drew me in:

Don't lie and say that it's OK.

It's alright if there's nothing more to say.

So I'm running away.

I'm leaving this place.

Yeah, I'm running away.

I'm running away.

Don't tell me I'm the one to blame.

It's too late for you to make me stay.

No, I won't stay.

So I'm running away.

I'm leaving this place.

Yeah, I'm running away.

I'm running away.

And faster than you can follow me from this lonely place.

And farther than you can find me, I'm leaving

Yeah I'm leaving today.

And I, I'll never let you find me.

I'm leaving you behind with the past

No, I won't look back.

And I don't want to hear your reasons.

Don't want to hear you tell me why I should stay.

And try, and try to understand me

And try to understand what I say when I say I can't stay

I, I'm moving on from this place

I'm leaving and I won't quit running away.

I'm running away.

I'm leaving this place.

Yeah, I'm running away.

I'm running away.

Songs to consider:

Running Away (Midnight Hour)

He wrote a note to nail to God's front door

It's not that I don't enjoy writing, really it isn't...it's just that by the time I get to a place where writing is feasible during my day, I'm just too tired and too lazy to pick a pen (or sit at the computer) to record my thoughts to share with whoever may be interested enough to read them. I only sit here now because it's Sunday and that means football. And since the Chiefs game is nearly over, it's a good time to take a few minutes and share that I am indeed, alive and well.

I got that job that I talked about in my last post. Started about 4 weeks ago and though it is way below my skill level and possibly one of the more boring jobs I've ever had, it provides me with the money I need to claw my way out of debt. It's looking good that, aside from my school loans, I'll be debt free by the end of January. It's just good that I am in a place that allows me to live relatively free of expenses. So there's that.

Life is decent aside from work. I cook a lot, clean here and there, but mostly just take it easy. I've been thinking of trying to find something to do a few evenings a week. Maybe a cooking class or one of those book clubs. I'd like to have a pool I could swim laps in, but I don't know my area of town well enough yet to have found one. Life's just pretty laid back for the moment. I'm looking forward to the holiday season and getting to decorate and maybe see some snow. It'll be interesting getting together with people for holiday meals with my family and/or Berto's family, but...things just happen how they happen. It'll be good anyway.

It's weird being an adult right now. Not being at school still hasn't really hit me, but maybe in a few more months it will. I don't know about taking classes in the spring, but if things work out, I'll probably start taking the classes I have left to take over next summer and into the fall. That's a little far off to plan out for now though. I'm learning that life can't really be planned out for more than a week at a time. That's okay for now. Things will change when they need too.

Hmm. I guess I really have nothing right now. No more than what I just shared anyway. Just working and living life and that's about it. The weather has been gorgeous the last few days, but I won't mind when it gets cold again. Back to football for now. :)

"Make the most of yourself...

...for that is all there is of you." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

I wanna make the most of myself. Opportunities don't make themselves. I still wanna finish school and learn to teach (odd thing to learn, huh?) and do stuff that matters. Like, travel and help people and then one day set up a fund to help other people learn to teach and help others. It's a very complex, yet simple desire. Hmm. We shall reserve plans for this for another day...one when I have more time to think about it.

But for today...I will share about my employment endeavors. This morning I had an appointment for an interview. This is how things went down:

• Stayed up too late last night, so I woke up tired and struggled to get out of bed and get ready in a timely fashion.
• I hopped in the car on time, but since it was raining and still the tail end of rush hour traffic, I was worried on my drive that I would get there late and set a bad impression.
• Alas, I got there with 9 minutes to spare, signed in and filled out a short application form before meeting with a recruiter (this is a staffing agency we're talking about here)
• Talked over my past employment with the recruiter and basically reiterated our phone conversation from yesterday, with him taking notes.
• Took a short series of typing skills tests to make sure I was in an adequate position to fill their needs.
• To my surprise, I was then given directions to the actual company needing to fill positions so I could talk to the site manager about specifics of the job.
• So I drive all the way back to Lee's Summit (from Downtown) and meet the guy there. He asked a few questions, filled in some more details about the job, then gave me paperwork to fill out.
• Turns out, I've now filled out all the requisite tax forms and other such things like I actually had the job. The manager took some more info and set up an appointment for me to go take a drug test.
• I drive over to the medical office, fill out more paperwork, wait for a while, then pee in a cup. At least the nurse was very nice and I did not feel as undignified as I remember from the last time I peed in a cup.
• I pass the test (there were no doubts) and the nurse e-mails the recruiter to let him know.
• Now I wait? There was mention of processing papers, then a call about a start date.

So...now I wait. I feel like it all went well, and I don't see a lot of places fronting the cash for a drug test or the time for you to fill out paperwork if they aren't going to give you the position.

It's just a contract job, 90 days, entry pay. But those things are completely acceptable given my previous failure at securing a job. And the plus to getting this gig is that if I do well and wish to continue working at a similar job, I can get turned over into a position that is permanent.

It's not ideal, or even what I want, but it's a place to start. So if I can get back up on my feet starting here, then here is where I will start.

Songs to consider:

Goin' Down (Three Days Grace)

I'll get lost if you want me to

Life's been a little rough lately. Not really physically challenging, but emotionally so. It's not difficult to list out the reasons why and how all of them could be potentially preventable, but that just seems like filing a list of complaints with a company that doesn't care. You find yourself wondering what the point really is. So I will not once again find myself merely listing off things I don't like, because, to be honest, anyone can list out at least a hundred things they don't like. Instead, I shall find myself (once again) pondering what it is I can do to make those dislikes either go away, or at the very least, make themselves cower into a corner so there is room for the things I do like.

It's almost October and even though I enjoy the fall, the chill in the air makes me weary. I look forward to the leaves changing and wearing jackets and hats again, but those seem like small positives to an otherwise dreary outlook on the season. So the potential good in this upcoming season could be my job prospect that I was handed today. It's not for sure yet, but I have an interview in the morning that holds a promising contract job through the end of the year. And seeing as cash flow is all important these days, I will take what is given to me and graciously say thank you. I will gruel through office labor 40+ hours a week if it gives me the satisfaction that I am not sitting and wasting away elsewhere. Here's hoping that the next time I muster the energy to post, it will be as a gainfully employed citizen.

In other news, nothing has happened. I mean this to say...nothing has changed. My living arrangements are quickly coming to a shaky halt. I don't know if I'll be staying where I am or trying to find a place of my own or risking moving back in with my mother, but none of those are concrete or really what I would like, so I'm really trying to push off the inevitable until I can no longer ignore what needs to be done. Maybe the next time I post, this issue will also be resolved. I find that I rely on the kindness of others far too much, and maybe that means I really do just need to cut off all charity and suffer through poverty and potential misery for a while until things start looking up. It's upsetting to think about it that way, but I'm thinking this is just going to be the painful part of my growth as an adult in the coming months.

I do look forward to a lot of things from day to day. There are people that can brighten my mood just by walking through the door and thankfully I see them often enough to push off any bad moods that crop up here and there. This may change soon, but I am trying to look at the change in a positive manner. Maybe if I have to rely on myself for happiness and contentment, my independence will push me through.

In all, I really don't know how things are going to go. I may get a job, I may not. I may move, I may not. But it all leads to me growing up, and as much as I don't want to do that the way I'm being forced to, it'll all end well for me I'm sure. Time will tell.

Lost In You (Three Days Grace)

I Don't Care (Apocalyptica feat. Adam Gontier)

Break (Breaking Benjamin)

Perfect eyes will have perfect aim

I've been thinking lately about jealousy. It's an emotion that crops up a lot for seemingly no reason and no matter how much I try to make myself see how irrational it is to be jealous of anyone/thing, I still can't help but feel it come back strong every once in a great while. I didn't feel it too strongly tonight, but I did have a bit of a chance to think over it and really, I still can't understand what there is to be jealous of. And to be honest, I wish it were an emotion I were a little less familiar with.

Lets look at my pathetic attempt at a hypothetical situation. Say you like someone. Let's call them J. J, thankfully, likes you too. This is great and you start a relationship. But before you do, J mentions a friend, K, that likes J, but J does not reciprocate those feelings. I think we've all been here a least once in our lives, or if you are like me, many more times than you would like to admit. Anyway, J tells you that K likes them and that they do not like K, but when you start a relationship with J, they must tell K that they are with you now and thereby let K down/potentially anger them. See, K says J was leading them on. But soon K seems to move on and now you and J are happily together. Only thing is, J and K are still good friends and occasionally you must hang out with J and K together and you get the distinct feeling that K does not really like you. But that's okay, because you don't particularly like K either...mostly because you know that K has/had feelings for J and you feel that J is yours and yours alone and that K should have no right to feelings for J. Confused yet?

Anyway, a while goes by and you and J sort of half break up. We'll call it a break from holding a relationship title for simplicity's sake. So now you and J are "friends" and you still hang out most of the time, but now K thinks J is back on the market and maybe K is still holding out hope that J will finally reciprocate K's feelings. You know for a fact that J is still mentally, if not officially, committed to you and you alone and they have no interest in K whatsoever. But J now hangs out with K more often due to the break in your relationship and you are jealous of the time you have to give up for K to spend time with J.

Okay. It's really stupid and I know I'm being dumb for feeling jealous. But that is something I'm finding I cannot help. About the best I can do is not mention to "J" that I am jealous of the time "K" gets to spend with them. But I still feel it. I still think about it. And it definitely still bothers me. I don't wish for this to be the case, but I fear that there really is nothing I can do. Dead ended in emotion once more. About my only comfort in the whole J-K fiasco is that I know J will come home to me even if we aren't together and K will be going home alone and that's just how it will be until K finds someone else to have affections for.

I'm just crazy, I know. It does not help that it's late either. Heh. But alas, I am done.

Anyway...concerts (Blink-182 and Bowling For Soup) were both awesome and I am happy with my weekend overall (even if I have two days left of it). Sleep now, more later. Hopefully no more confusing hypothetical stories either. Sweet dreams.

Songs to consider:

The No Seatbelt Song (Brand New)

Liar (Taking Back Sunday)

Always (Blink-182)

I hate...actors who seem genuine

Back from the abyss that is laziness. It sucks being so terribly lazy (in writing terms) that the most I can say I've accomplished is a series of letters to someone who will never read them. I've wholeheartedly neglected my journal, my blog, my book and my other writing endeavors (like all those short stories and poems I love writing so much). It really is a sad fact to know that I could have written volumes worth of practically anything in the last few months and all I've managed really, is a reading maybe a half dozen or so books, and writing probably 20 pages or less worth of any sort of more than crap material.

I could say that time has gotten away from me. Which, to be honest, works for about half the summer. I love to sleep and I take care of the puppies and depending on the day, I really throw myself into cleaning. Add those things to (Hey! It's 11:11!) the fact that anytime after 5:30 is a total preoccupation with dinner and hanging out and tv, then really, I've only really wasted a good months worth of writing. It's still a shame though. I'd slap myself on the wrist if I thought it would do any good. It won't, but one could hope.

In other news, I'm STILL unemployed. Still waiting for a couple of places to get back to me, but if I hear nothing by Friday, I'll start looking again. It's a sad day when I can't even get a job as a cashier. Oh, well. Aside from the lack of money thing and the being lazy (in writing) thing, stuff coming up includes getting my new phone (a BlackBerry Curve that I ordered just last night!), seeing Blink, TBS and Weezer in concert this Friday (!) and a few other things, like the doc on the 16th, VBall Tuesdays with the Aaron and the Heather and possibly a visit to Santa-Cali-Gon this weekend with my childhood friend Mike and his wife Susan. Plus! Say Anything is gonna be in KC on Oct. 21st and Berto already bought tickets for us to go. Add that to the fact that their new album comes out 8 days before and the latter part of October should be pretty spectacular.

I really wish I had a more normal life. I have plenty of routine and lots of fun things to look forward to, but a job and money and stability would really be nice. For now, I guess I'm still okay, but really, things must change soon. I need it. Bad.

All that aside, life is going pretty well. I wrote a new poem today and to be honest, it felt pretty good. Hopefully my next post will be full of bigger and better things than this one. Until then...

Songs to Consider:

I Hate Everyone (Say Anything)