I really should stop talking to myself. The more I do it, the weirder I sound...and I'm not sure I want to feel weirder than I already know I am. One of these days, someone is going to notice that I'm not normal. I tend to say "dun dun dun" a lot and telling my cat she's cute. She talks back, but I really don't speak cat, so it's a one way conversation for her. I'm not crazy, I promise. I think...
Anyway...I made a new "mix tape" if you will. I get inspiration from my obsessions. Usually a movie or a TV show. Sometimes a book. This is time it's Veronica Mars. Yes, it's unhealthy, but hey, I have a knack for finding the right songs to fit the mood of something I'm thinking about a lot. It's pretty easy and the CD will last me at least two or three weeks in the car. Good times.
LoVe (you might get it if you think about it real hard...)
Post Blue (Placebo)
Sway (The Perishers)
I Never Wanted To (Saosin)
Chemistry of a Car Crash (Shiny Toy Guns)
I Don't Know (Starsailor)
The Way You Are (46 Bliss)
Breathe Me (Sia)
Bad Boy (Cascada)
Your Love Means Everything (Coldplay/Faultline)
Think Twice (Eve 6)
Bad Boyfriend (Garbage)
Nowhere Warm (Kate Havnevik)
Brown Eyes (Lady Gaga)
I Hear The Bells (Mike Doughty)
Long Time Coming (The Delays)
Consequence (The Notwist)
Never Too Late (Three Days Grace)
Momentary Thing (Something Happens)
Dakota (Stereophonics)
If you've ever seen the show, you might understand the list...but most likely, no one that reads my blog is familiar...so...just look them up if you're curious.
But for now, it's time for this curious critter to crawl into her hole and curl up for a long nap. And by that I mean...bed time!
22 October 2010
21 October 2010
It's in the water baby
What a blazingly dull month it's been. About the only exciting thing that's happened is that I...oh, what am I saying? Nothing exciting has happened. I've gone to work, I spent three weeks sick, I had to be disappointed twice by the Chiefs' failure to win and I still haven't managed to paint the rest of my room. I have done a few thorough cleanings of the apartment and just yesterday morning I biked 9.5 miles. It was only about 45 degrees outside, so it took a few miles for the burning in my lungs and muscles to stop, followed quickly by the numbing cold to set in. It was a pretty great ride though. Never have I had so many high school students look at me like I was a freak. Not even when I was IN high school.
In other news, I've managed to read two whole books in the last week and a half and start a couple others. Sometimes it's hard to sit still for so long though, so I have to go back to wandering about my apartment while I listen to music or cook. Though I have been watching Veronica Mars. I'd never seen an episode of it before, but hey, what's there to lose? I can't stop watching. Something about a neo-noir teen angst crime solving drama really pulls me in. I can't say it ever interested me when it was on TV...or that I'm even sure I knew about it when it was. I was just an eager young college student too busy to search for angsty television when I had enough in my life already. But now? Now I am just a homebody with nothing but a lifeless social calendar and plenty of imagination that needs repressing by the drama (real or not) of others. I would make a GREAT stay-at-home mom or housewife someday...
News on the home front is kind of interesting too. I got bored one night last week and started googling family members that I know little or nothing about. Turns out that one of my mother's half-brothers on her dad's side is a lying, cheating oil scam artist who recently spent six months in a California jail for fraud. His all too kind and loving younger brother paid his way back to the grand state of Texas where he promptly jumped parole and headed south of the border...or so he suspects. Can't say that's a shock. Everyone needs a sophisticated criminal in the family at some point in their lives. I think I've gotta say it's better than armed robbery or serial assault...though scamming people and beating up girlfriends doesn't really rank any higher. Oh, the life of a simple Midwestern girl.
In more, no news is okay news, my brother's ex is moving along nicely in her pregnancy. We're about 85% sure it's going to be the newest member of the special and somewhat socially defunct Seely clan, but we won't really know 'til the little tiger kicks his way screaming out of his only slightly promiscuous mother's womb come early April. If baby J (as I like to call him or her) looks like a skinny white kid with a really good tan...it's a good chance I'll be an aunt. But if little baby J looks ready to strap on a sombrero and shout "Ole!" then it's a good bet 85% is a failing grade. It would let my brother off the hook though...so we can't see it as all good or bad either way. If only, if only...some women could keep better track of their multiple partners...
Well, I'm off to spend another rousing few hours watching some streaming video while my (sure to soon reveal herself as an alien) cat gives me the stare down while alternately huffing on her kitty weed. With that, I bid you adieu.
Songs to consider:
Sway (The Perishers)
Post Blue (Placebo)
Think Twice (Eve 6)
Nowhere Warm (Kate Havnevik)
In other news, I've managed to read two whole books in the last week and a half and start a couple others. Sometimes it's hard to sit still for so long though, so I have to go back to wandering about my apartment while I listen to music or cook. Though I have been watching Veronica Mars. I'd never seen an episode of it before, but hey, what's there to lose? I can't stop watching. Something about a neo-noir teen angst crime solving drama really pulls me in. I can't say it ever interested me when it was on TV...or that I'm even sure I knew about it when it was. I was just an eager young college student too busy to search for angsty television when I had enough in my life already. But now? Now I am just a homebody with nothing but a lifeless social calendar and plenty of imagination that needs repressing by the drama (real or not) of others. I would make a GREAT stay-at-home mom or housewife someday...
News on the home front is kind of interesting too. I got bored one night last week and started googling family members that I know little or nothing about. Turns out that one of my mother's half-brothers on her dad's side is a lying, cheating oil scam artist who recently spent six months in a California jail for fraud. His all too kind and loving younger brother paid his way back to the grand state of Texas where he promptly jumped parole and headed south of the border...or so he suspects. Can't say that's a shock. Everyone needs a sophisticated criminal in the family at some point in their lives. I think I've gotta say it's better than armed robbery or serial assault...though scamming people and beating up girlfriends doesn't really rank any higher. Oh, the life of a simple Midwestern girl.
In more, no news is okay news, my brother's ex is moving along nicely in her pregnancy. We're about 85% sure it's going to be the newest member of the special and somewhat socially defunct Seely clan, but we won't really know 'til the little tiger kicks his way screaming out of his only slightly promiscuous mother's womb come early April. If baby J (as I like to call him or her) looks like a skinny white kid with a really good tan...it's a good chance I'll be an aunt. But if little baby J looks ready to strap on a sombrero and shout "Ole!" then it's a good bet 85% is a failing grade. It would let my brother off the hook though...so we can't see it as all good or bad either way. If only, if only...some women could keep better track of their multiple partners...
Well, I'm off to spend another rousing few hours watching some streaming video while my (sure to soon reveal herself as an alien) cat gives me the stare down while alternately huffing on her kitty weed. With that, I bid you adieu.
Songs to consider:
Sway (The Perishers)
Post Blue (Placebo)
Think Twice (Eve 6)
Nowhere Warm (Kate Havnevik)
29 September 2010
I'll do whatever it takes, even if it kills me
I have become a victim of my own one [wo]man dance party. While enthusiastically singing along to Ke$ha, I may have stabbed myself in the chin with a thumb, and subsequently left a bleeding wound...
'Tis okay though; it's all part of the game. Sometimes...you just gotta dance and sing. (This may or may not have been influenced by my recent induction into the "Gleek" community...at 4 'o clock this morning.)
This far the dance party has included:
Just A Dream by Nelly
The Only Exception by Paramore
Flightless Bird, American Mouth by Iron & Wine
Admit It!!! by Say Anything
Even If It Kills Me by Motion City Soundtrack
Tik Tok by Ke$ha
It will continue, do not doubt. But I'm limited to songs I know...else I feel like a fool. I confirmed this with the Motion City Soundtrack song. I didn't know it, but I enjoyed butchering the lyrics nonetheless. I had to stop and tend to my fresh wound. I hope it's gone by the time I go back to work. I don't want to explain a thumbnail shaped scab to anyone by telling them that I attempted to take myself out while dancing around and singing loudly into a paper towel tube in my empty apartment. That would just be embarrassing...
Anyway...I don't know why in my right mind I decided Glee would not be interesting to me when I saw all the commercials for it over the last year. It has singing, dancing, more drama that I ever remember in high school and mean teachers that bring back horrifying memories of my own adolescence. It's perfect!
The soundtrack continues!
Stand Too Close by Motion City Soundtrack
Sweet And Low by Augustana
Radio by Saves The Day
Fire by Augustana
And on and on and on...
'Tis okay though; it's all part of the game. Sometimes...you just gotta dance and sing. (This may or may not have been influenced by my recent induction into the "Gleek" community...at 4 'o clock this morning.)
This far the dance party has included:
Just A Dream by Nelly
The Only Exception by Paramore
Flightless Bird, American Mouth by Iron & Wine
Admit It!!! by Say Anything
Even If It Kills Me by Motion City Soundtrack
Tik Tok by Ke$ha
It will continue, do not doubt. But I'm limited to songs I know...else I feel like a fool. I confirmed this with the Motion City Soundtrack song. I didn't know it, but I enjoyed butchering the lyrics nonetheless. I had to stop and tend to my fresh wound. I hope it's gone by the time I go back to work. I don't want to explain a thumbnail shaped scab to anyone by telling them that I attempted to take myself out while dancing around and singing loudly into a paper towel tube in my empty apartment. That would just be embarrassing...
Anyway...I don't know why in my right mind I decided Glee would not be interesting to me when I saw all the commercials for it over the last year. It has singing, dancing, more drama that I ever remember in high school and mean teachers that bring back horrifying memories of my own adolescence. It's perfect!
The soundtrack continues!
Stand Too Close by Motion City Soundtrack
Sweet And Low by Augustana
Radio by Saves The Day
Fire by Augustana
And on and on and on...
25 September 2010
My feet have been on the floor, flat like an idle singer
Life's been pretty...much the same lately. No complaints, just nothing new. It is autumn now though. Which is nice. I do like the leaves changing colors and the fact that bugs slowly but surely go away for a goodly part of the year. Plus, I haven't had my A/C on for about a month now, which has been incredibly nice. I had four days off of work this week and since that's a lot more than I'm used to, I made out a list of things I wanted to do. And about all I did on it was clean. Which I suppose is a good thing. I mostly watched Bones and slept which was just nice. I need to finish painting my room and I need to get back on my bike, but mostly, I like to sleep. :)
In other news, I hate rude people. I'm pretty sure I've mentioned this before, but I really do hate them. It comes to mind easily when I've recently had a run-in with just such a person. Last night while working, I had a mom and her two teenaged kids come through the line. They were nice enough, mostly just indifferent. But then the woman wanted $30 change back from her debit card. This is all fine and such, but then she said she wanted it in quarters. Now, if it were the daytime, it would have been no problem at all to send her over to customer service. But it was after midnight and I am the only cashier at night. I told her I could give her $10 in quarters and the rest in cash, but that I couldn't give her all the quarters in my drawer. She then proceeds to start complaining about how I was the only one up there and that customer service should be open. I told her that all my drawers were counted and I couldn't take money out of them. So she asked to talk to my manager and said that "the manager will give me the quarters." I tried explaining that there would be nothing more they could do either. She wasn't relenting, so I looked around and saw our accounting person, who closes all the drawers at night counting her last drawer. I asked her if she had two rolls of quarters I could have, so she gave them to me, I gave them to the woman and then she said.... "I knew you were a liar" and walked away.
I could have punched her right then and there. There were so many problems with this woman, that I almost could not contain myself. I took the $20 bill from her and took it over the the accounting woman and told her that that customer was a bitch. Here are my observations:
1. It's after midnight. If you wanted a large amount of change, you should have a) gone to a bank or b) come to the store before the late hour in order to ensure customer service would be there to cater to your needs.
2. IT'S AFTER MIDNIGHT!!! Did she expect five cashiers to choose from and a fully functioning service desk to be open just for her? Again, come before the middle of the night and you might have better luck.
3. Who the fuck needs $30 in quarters after midnight? It is entirely plausible that they were for laundry, but really, $30? You need to do laundry more frequently. Or they could have been for some slot machines. But the last I checked, you used tokens for those, right? Or is it a card with credits now? Who knows?
4. You are damn lucky the store is even open. A full-size, nearly fully functioning grocery store open just for you all night long. If we weren't open, you'd have to haul your ass over to Wal-Mart. Maybe that's where you should have gone in the first place.
5. You are even more lucky that I possess even a modicum of self-control, because calling me a liar when I was clearly not was uncalled for and extremely rude. I balled my hands up and walked away holding my breath.
6. Luckiest of all, the accounting person still had one drawer open. If she had been done counting, you would have been SOL. That doesn't make me a liar cause I got you the damned quarters, it makes you lucky that someone else happened to have access. Luck, not lies, was the solution.
After I went back to my register, it just so happened that a very nice woman was standing there waiting to buy wine and she and I chit-chatted about rude people and how I should just let it go and not let it stew. She worked with a lot of customers too, she said, and understood how it felt when people were rude and you couldn't do anything about it. By the time she left I was in a much better mood and every time a nicer looking person came through my line, I chatted them up and thanked them for not being rude. So the night wasn't a total bust.
Phew! I guess I had a lot more to say about that than I originally thought. It's okay though...I'm pretty sure that will be the most eventful thing this whole weekend. Or at least I hope to God it will be.
Songs to consider:
If It's Love (Train)
In other news, I hate rude people. I'm pretty sure I've mentioned this before, but I really do hate them. It comes to mind easily when I've recently had a run-in with just such a person. Last night while working, I had a mom and her two teenaged kids come through the line. They were nice enough, mostly just indifferent. But then the woman wanted $30 change back from her debit card. This is all fine and such, but then she said she wanted it in quarters. Now, if it were the daytime, it would have been no problem at all to send her over to customer service. But it was after midnight and I am the only cashier at night. I told her I could give her $10 in quarters and the rest in cash, but that I couldn't give her all the quarters in my drawer. She then proceeds to start complaining about how I was the only one up there and that customer service should be open. I told her that all my drawers were counted and I couldn't take money out of them. So she asked to talk to my manager and said that "the manager will give me the quarters." I tried explaining that there would be nothing more they could do either. She wasn't relenting, so I looked around and saw our accounting person, who closes all the drawers at night counting her last drawer. I asked her if she had two rolls of quarters I could have, so she gave them to me, I gave them to the woman and then she said.... "I knew you were a liar" and walked away.
I could have punched her right then and there. There were so many problems with this woman, that I almost could not contain myself. I took the $20 bill from her and took it over the the accounting woman and told her that that customer was a bitch. Here are my observations:
1. It's after midnight. If you wanted a large amount of change, you should have a) gone to a bank or b) come to the store before the late hour in order to ensure customer service would be there to cater to your needs.
2. IT'S AFTER MIDNIGHT!!! Did she expect five cashiers to choose from and a fully functioning service desk to be open just for her? Again, come before the middle of the night and you might have better luck.
3. Who the fuck needs $30 in quarters after midnight? It is entirely plausible that they were for laundry, but really, $30? You need to do laundry more frequently. Or they could have been for some slot machines. But the last I checked, you used tokens for those, right? Or is it a card with credits now? Who knows?
4. You are damn lucky the store is even open. A full-size, nearly fully functioning grocery store open just for you all night long. If we weren't open, you'd have to haul your ass over to Wal-Mart. Maybe that's where you should have gone in the first place.
5. You are even more lucky that I possess even a modicum of self-control, because calling me a liar when I was clearly not was uncalled for and extremely rude. I balled my hands up and walked away holding my breath.
6. Luckiest of all, the accounting person still had one drawer open. If she had been done counting, you would have been SOL. That doesn't make me a liar cause I got you the damned quarters, it makes you lucky that someone else happened to have access. Luck, not lies, was the solution.
After I went back to my register, it just so happened that a very nice woman was standing there waiting to buy wine and she and I chit-chatted about rude people and how I should just let it go and not let it stew. She worked with a lot of customers too, she said, and understood how it felt when people were rude and you couldn't do anything about it. By the time she left I was in a much better mood and every time a nicer looking person came through my line, I chatted them up and thanked them for not being rude. So the night wasn't a total bust.
Phew! I guess I had a lot more to say about that than I originally thought. It's okay though...I'm pretty sure that will be the most eventful thing this whole weekend. Or at least I hope to God it will be.
Songs to consider:
If It's Love (Train)
06 September 2010
Nothing Important Happened Today, Part II
It's funny how we can't see how things are changing in our lives from one day to the next, but if we take a moment and look a little further back, one month, two...five, it can almost be shocking to see what it different for us. I read things that I wrote before and though some of my wariness and reckless abandon has subsided, I did at least have it half right. I said to myself in February that I would have what I deserved. I said it to myself with a sort of obsessive determination that might seem a little frightening to others. But I knew then what I know now, only I wasn't willing to admit it then as if to admit defeat. I will have what I deserve. In some ways I already do. But to the saddened mind, to see a world against you is to have a bias no one else can subdue. You have to let it die out. It might take weeks, months or even years, but eventually the flames of passion, however they may be directed, will fall back, become nothing more than embers, glowing coals. Then eventually nothing at all, charred and cold blackness.
I still have a fire burning in me, a passion waiting to be ignited, but I am steadfast in my knowledge that it may take some time before the fire burns hot again. My potential energy is waiting inside me, full of patience and understanding. I am happy. And though that happiness may not be outwardly apparent to others, I am far from sad. Far from feeling alone or lonely, far from desiring something new. I am finally at peace in a way. It's odd to remember how turbulent this year has been for me. It was very tough for a while, then things started to settle and now I'm kind of riding the wave, enjoying being on this plateau, waiting until it's time to take the next step. I talked about that before, about what change I wanted to initiate in the next year or so, and all of that still holds true. But I think it's important to know where I am now before I know where to go in the future. That's a big piece of this puzzling life that I am finally beginning to put together.
Something odd happened over this last month. I had this feeling that something was different with someone I no longer talk to. I have taken it upon myself to limit communication in the interest of disinterest, really. And I was surprised to find that I was correct in my intuition, and that the revelation did not bother me at all. In fact, it sort of settled things for me in a sense. Perhaps it was the feeling of knowing beforehand that made the discovery so mundane, but I don't think I'll ever really be able to explain it to myself. It's just what it is. And thankfully, I will mark this experience as a growing one. That I can fully accept an unpleasant or unwanted truth with grace and dignity and move on without incident.
That being said, there is a quote from my favorite movie that sort of spurred this dialogue (even though the title of this post is from an X-Files episode). It's from Life As A House, and this is how it goes:
"You know the great thing, though, is that change can be so constant you don't even feel the difference until there is one. It can be so slow that you don't even notice that your life is better or worse, until it is. Or it can just blow you away, make you something different in an instant."
Really, today, nothing important did happen. But in the culmination of days since I last thought on this, a lot has changed, in me, in the world around me. I didn't even realize that I'd become something new until I remembered what I was like before. So it is the culmination of days and moments and events that make life important, even if each individual day holds nothing of particular importance to me.
Songs to consider:
Odd One (Sick Puppies)
Monster (Skillet)
I still have a fire burning in me, a passion waiting to be ignited, but I am steadfast in my knowledge that it may take some time before the fire burns hot again. My potential energy is waiting inside me, full of patience and understanding. I am happy. And though that happiness may not be outwardly apparent to others, I am far from sad. Far from feeling alone or lonely, far from desiring something new. I am finally at peace in a way. It's odd to remember how turbulent this year has been for me. It was very tough for a while, then things started to settle and now I'm kind of riding the wave, enjoying being on this plateau, waiting until it's time to take the next step. I talked about that before, about what change I wanted to initiate in the next year or so, and all of that still holds true. But I think it's important to know where I am now before I know where to go in the future. That's a big piece of this puzzling life that I am finally beginning to put together.
Something odd happened over this last month. I had this feeling that something was different with someone I no longer talk to. I have taken it upon myself to limit communication in the interest of disinterest, really. And I was surprised to find that I was correct in my intuition, and that the revelation did not bother me at all. In fact, it sort of settled things for me in a sense. Perhaps it was the feeling of knowing beforehand that made the discovery so mundane, but I don't think I'll ever really be able to explain it to myself. It's just what it is. And thankfully, I will mark this experience as a growing one. That I can fully accept an unpleasant or unwanted truth with grace and dignity and move on without incident.
That being said, there is a quote from my favorite movie that sort of spurred this dialogue (even though the title of this post is from an X-Files episode). It's from Life As A House, and this is how it goes:
"You know the great thing, though, is that change can be so constant you don't even feel the difference until there is one. It can be so slow that you don't even notice that your life is better or worse, until it is. Or it can just blow you away, make you something different in an instant."
Really, today, nothing important did happen. But in the culmination of days since I last thought on this, a lot has changed, in me, in the world around me. I didn't even realize that I'd become something new until I remembered what I was like before. So it is the culmination of days and moments and events that make life important, even if each individual day holds nothing of particular importance to me.
Songs to consider:
Odd One (Sick Puppies)
Monster (Skillet)
31 August 2010
all things
"Time passes in moments... moments which, rushing past, define the path of a life, just as surely as they lead towards its end. How rarely do we stop to examine that path, to see the reasons why all things happen, to consider whether the path we take in life is our own making, or simply one into which we drift with eyes closed. But what if we could stop, pause to take stock of each precious moment before it passes? Might we then see the endless forks in the road that have shaped a life? And, seeing those choices, choose another path?"
I just watched one of my favorite episodes of The X-Files. Every time I see it, it makes me think about how things are vs. how the could/should/would be if I had made different decisions for myself in this life. Don't get me wrong, I don't feel as if I'm in a bad place now, but I do wonder what things would have been like if a few things had been different. What would have become of me had I stayed in Oklahoma as a child? If I didn't skip a grade? If I went to college a year earlier or later. What if I graduated?
Who's to say I would be in any different place right now? I'll never know, but it is something I sometimes think about rather intensely. I see all of these things happening around me and I wonder, "When will it happen to me?" Friends marrying, having babies, moving on in their lives. It's as if the world is rotating and I am stationary. Do I need to do something to jump start my own path through life, or is waiting for things to happen when they should an acceptable alternative?
I just watched one of my favorite episodes of The X-Files. Every time I see it, it makes me think about how things are vs. how the could/should/would be if I had made different decisions for myself in this life. Don't get me wrong, I don't feel as if I'm in a bad place now, but I do wonder what things would have been like if a few things had been different. What would have become of me had I stayed in Oklahoma as a child? If I didn't skip a grade? If I went to college a year earlier or later. What if I graduated?
Who's to say I would be in any different place right now? I'll never know, but it is something I sometimes think about rather intensely. I see all of these things happening around me and I wonder, "When will it happen to me?" Friends marrying, having babies, moving on in their lives. It's as if the world is rotating and I am stationary. Do I need to do something to jump start my own path through life, or is waiting for things to happen when they should an acceptable alternative?
On a related note, I have started to think about my next big move. This is as much literal as it is figurative in that, come next July, things will be changing. I know for a fact that my roommate will not be my roommate for another year, that she will in all likelihood make a permanent home with her boyfriend who will undoubtedly be much closer to her husband at that time. I know that I don't think I'll wish to continue living here and doing what I'm doing for longer than the next year. And since these things will happen in a determined amount of time, I feel like it will be the right time to move on, change things while I have the chance. And with such foresight, the possibilities seem wide open.
So the literal move will happen then. And that's why I must decide now where it is I want to go in this next stage of my life. I always knew I didn't want to stay here, that I wouldn't be content in a life so set in stone, so perhaps the events of this entire last year all happened for this very reason. I took a hit and settled with what I had because it made me happy, but then it all changed and I was forced to find happiness on my own, or at least strive to continue the search. And with that, I see now that I was right all along, I don't belong here. I belong out there, doing whatever it is I was meant to do. I want to go back to school, I want to live somewhere new, but I also want to explore and see what's out there. I know there are things that tie me to a more mundane life and I know that those things will make these next steps harder to take, but I am hoping that with a little luck and a whole lot of determination, I'll make it to where ever I'm meant to be.
I am marking this point in time as a starting point for my journey to new places. It may seem like an odd time, but if not now, when? One year from now, on the eve of September 2011, I will be somewhere new, doing important things, making new goals for this life and living how I ought to have been living all along. Until then, the moments that pass will undoubtedly be difficult and sometimes hard to get past, but I will get there, and I will grow and learn along the way.
"I don't think you can know. I mean, how many different lives would we be leading if we made different choices. We... we don't know."
"What if there was only one choice and all the other ones were wrong? And there were signs along the way to pay attention to."
So the literal move will happen then. And that's why I must decide now where it is I want to go in this next stage of my life. I always knew I didn't want to stay here, that I wouldn't be content in a life so set in stone, so perhaps the events of this entire last year all happened for this very reason. I took a hit and settled with what I had because it made me happy, but then it all changed and I was forced to find happiness on my own, or at least strive to continue the search. And with that, I see now that I was right all along, I don't belong here. I belong out there, doing whatever it is I was meant to do. I want to go back to school, I want to live somewhere new, but I also want to explore and see what's out there. I know there are things that tie me to a more mundane life and I know that those things will make these next steps harder to take, but I am hoping that with a little luck and a whole lot of determination, I'll make it to where ever I'm meant to be.
I am marking this point in time as a starting point for my journey to new places. It may seem like an odd time, but if not now, when? One year from now, on the eve of September 2011, I will be somewhere new, doing important things, making new goals for this life and living how I ought to have been living all along. Until then, the moments that pass will undoubtedly be difficult and sometimes hard to get past, but I will get there, and I will grow and learn along the way.
"I don't think you can know. I mean, how many different lives would we be leading if we made different choices. We... we don't know."
"What if there was only one choice and all the other ones were wrong? And there were signs along the way to pay attention to."
"And all the... choices would then lead to this very moment. One wrong turn, and... we wouldn't be sitting here together. Well, that says a lot. That says a lot, a lot, a lot. That's probably more than we should be getting into at this late hour."
Songs to consider:
Songs to consider:
The Sky Is Broken (Moby)
20 August 2010
She's got both hands in her pocket
I have to admit, I am guilty of jumping around, playing the air guitar and singing obnoxiously loud to my stereo all the while lacking pants just now. Well, before I showered and made myself look presentable. It was quite the good time too.
I've been awake since about 4:45 yesterday afternoon and sleep does not look to be in my immediate future. Now, I know some of you are thinking, "Tori, this is a terrible idea, you should probably take a nap or something at least." Well, I say to you, I say, "I already tried." I had the potential to get 5 whole hours of sleep today, but those 5 hours came and went without much more than a few winks. I had a headache and that sort of rendered my attempts at laying still useless. I'll make it though I'm sure. Plenty of fun things to do and people to see to get me all the way to one, maybe two in the morning. On the plus side, I will probably crash hard and it'll be some pretty amazing sleep. Doesn't that sound pretty nice?
So, diligent readers, I am coming up on some months of financial hardship right about now. I've got bills coming due and the income to debt ratio is pretty much 1:1. And that's without frivolous things like food and whatnot. I know I'll squeeze by, but I hate having to literally live penny to penny. I've got it all (theoretically) worked out though. Since I never know how may hours I'll get at work a week, I have to just guesstimate on that and go from there. At least I know my bills, so that's a good starting point. I will have to subsist on what I have in the pantry for most of the next month or two, but once October hits, I'll be able to breathe a little more. And what's even better is that once December hits, I'll have an extra check and I'll be able to breathe a lot easier then. I even budgeted money out for Christmas gifts, my mother's birthday and my trip to New Mexico in January. I over-estimated on those to give myself a little room to work with, but it still works out for me being in the black by February. And by then, I can actually start saving. And my bills might go down a bit at that point too, so if I can just get through the rest of this year, I think it'll be smooth sailing. I find it ironic that all I wanted to do when I was a kid was grow up and now I just wish I was a kid and didn't have to worry about such things as affording food and toilet paper and cat litter after all my bills are paid. I now completely understand how my mom felt. And I don't even have kids! That must have sucked a lot more.
In other news, I just finished an 8 day stretch at work. I've done 7 days in a row before, but somehow, 8 just seems so much worse. I'm used to working three days on, one or two days off, three or four days on again. So, 8 days is really not in my realm of understanding. I capped off the long work week with a few weird, gross and fun things at work though. Firstly, I had to book it to work from Westport (that's not a huge distance, but still further than home is) and change into my work clothes. It was a truck night (meaning we get lots of new stuff to put on the shelves as opposed to trying to put up stuff we still have). The trucks have been pretty small lately, thank goodness, so that was what I was expecting. I have a particular talent for what we call, "The Back Forty." Basically it's toilet paper, paper towels, storage bags, trash bags, kleenex, plates, cups, bowls, cutlery, cat, dog and baby. Sounds like a lot because it is. I generally put up about 7-10 pallets worth of stuff to most other people's two. Admittedly, a box of toilet paper equals about 12 cases of canned vegetables volume-wise, but still! Anyway...I do this most truck nights and as such, that is where I was last night when lo and behold, five (yes, FIVE) friends walk in to say hi. Now, Aaron and Heather have come in several times before, but I'm always at the register and can't hug or chat or anything. Aaron, Heather, Ami (Aaron's sister), Genny and Asher all showed up. It was nice that they came to say hi after I left them in Westport. While we were chatting, a co-worker of mine who was being unusually sulky last night, ran me over with the pallet on a pallet jack. Not even once either. Twice! Rammed me in the ankle. Now that shit hurts, I'm tellin' ya. Sheesh.
My ankle is alright, just a big red scratch and a blossoming bruise, but otherwise unharmed. The rest of the night proceeded somewhat normally until I got to the canned cat food. I left it for last 'cause there was so much of it. The pallet smelled funny and I figured there was an open can somewhere that I'd have to dig out and throw away. There was an open can alright. And not only was it busted open and covering 5 other cans, it was rotten and covered in real live tiny maggots. And it would just be my luck to discover the maggots by TOUCHING THEM!!! Oh, my God. I was so grossed out. I immediately bathed my arms in germ-x and repeatedly forced myself to not convulse in a repulsed manner. SO GROSS!!!!! And what's worse is that it would have to be that way for a while before MAGGOTS were hatched on them. Sigh. There needs to be a better packing or inspection process so this does not happen again. I'm still grossed out. Aside from the maggots, the same co-worker than ran over me earlier in the night came over to help me with the cat food and all the while bitched about our boss, Dennis. The only thing I found hilarious really was that he says he calls our boss Denise. To his face. I laughed so hard. The rest of his ranting I generally agreed with, but it was just bitching and nothing funny or noteworthy, really.
Now I'm hungry. Supposedly, we will be going up to St. Joe here soon for the eating-ness, but I'm not sure when that'll be. Then tonight is the Royals game with my (now 5) fake cousins and my mom. That should be fun if I can stay awake. There's free catering too. Then we're hitting up the bars after the game and I will probably crash out as soon as I can convince them to leave. Like I said, one, maybe two in the morning, if I'm being optimistic. I think I'm gonna stop now though, cause I could keep going, but no one would ever read so much. :)
I'm sure I'll be back to update about the rest of my weekend after it's over. Monday or Tuesday maybe. Until then...
Songs to consider:
Alejandro (Lady GaGa)
I've been awake since about 4:45 yesterday afternoon and sleep does not look to be in my immediate future. Now, I know some of you are thinking, "Tori, this is a terrible idea, you should probably take a nap or something at least." Well, I say to you, I say, "I already tried." I had the potential to get 5 whole hours of sleep today, but those 5 hours came and went without much more than a few winks. I had a headache and that sort of rendered my attempts at laying still useless. I'll make it though I'm sure. Plenty of fun things to do and people to see to get me all the way to one, maybe two in the morning. On the plus side, I will probably crash hard and it'll be some pretty amazing sleep. Doesn't that sound pretty nice?
So, diligent readers, I am coming up on some months of financial hardship right about now. I've got bills coming due and the income to debt ratio is pretty much 1:1. And that's without frivolous things like food and whatnot. I know I'll squeeze by, but I hate having to literally live penny to penny. I've got it all (theoretically) worked out though. Since I never know how may hours I'll get at work a week, I have to just guesstimate on that and go from there. At least I know my bills, so that's a good starting point. I will have to subsist on what I have in the pantry for most of the next month or two, but once October hits, I'll be able to breathe a little more. And what's even better is that once December hits, I'll have an extra check and I'll be able to breathe a lot easier then. I even budgeted money out for Christmas gifts, my mother's birthday and my trip to New Mexico in January. I over-estimated on those to give myself a little room to work with, but it still works out for me being in the black by February. And by then, I can actually start saving. And my bills might go down a bit at that point too, so if I can just get through the rest of this year, I think it'll be smooth sailing. I find it ironic that all I wanted to do when I was a kid was grow up and now I just wish I was a kid and didn't have to worry about such things as affording food and toilet paper and cat litter after all my bills are paid. I now completely understand how my mom felt. And I don't even have kids! That must have sucked a lot more.
In other news, I just finished an 8 day stretch at work. I've done 7 days in a row before, but somehow, 8 just seems so much worse. I'm used to working three days on, one or two days off, three or four days on again. So, 8 days is really not in my realm of understanding. I capped off the long work week with a few weird, gross and fun things at work though. Firstly, I had to book it to work from Westport (that's not a huge distance, but still further than home is) and change into my work clothes. It was a truck night (meaning we get lots of new stuff to put on the shelves as opposed to trying to put up stuff we still have). The trucks have been pretty small lately, thank goodness, so that was what I was expecting. I have a particular talent for what we call, "The Back Forty." Basically it's toilet paper, paper towels, storage bags, trash bags, kleenex, plates, cups, bowls, cutlery, cat, dog and baby. Sounds like a lot because it is. I generally put up about 7-10 pallets worth of stuff to most other people's two. Admittedly, a box of toilet paper equals about 12 cases of canned vegetables volume-wise, but still! Anyway...I do this most truck nights and as such, that is where I was last night when lo and behold, five (yes, FIVE) friends walk in to say hi. Now, Aaron and Heather have come in several times before, but I'm always at the register and can't hug or chat or anything. Aaron, Heather, Ami (Aaron's sister), Genny and Asher all showed up. It was nice that they came to say hi after I left them in Westport. While we were chatting, a co-worker of mine who was being unusually sulky last night, ran me over with the pallet on a pallet jack. Not even once either. Twice! Rammed me in the ankle. Now that shit hurts, I'm tellin' ya. Sheesh.
My ankle is alright, just a big red scratch and a blossoming bruise, but otherwise unharmed. The rest of the night proceeded somewhat normally until I got to the canned cat food. I left it for last 'cause there was so much of it. The pallet smelled funny and I figured there was an open can somewhere that I'd have to dig out and throw away. There was an open can alright. And not only was it busted open and covering 5 other cans, it was rotten and covered in real live tiny maggots. And it would just be my luck to discover the maggots by TOUCHING THEM!!! Oh, my God. I was so grossed out. I immediately bathed my arms in germ-x and repeatedly forced myself to not convulse in a repulsed manner. SO GROSS!!!!! And what's worse is that it would have to be that way for a while before MAGGOTS were hatched on them. Sigh. There needs to be a better packing or inspection process so this does not happen again. I'm still grossed out. Aside from the maggots, the same co-worker than ran over me earlier in the night came over to help me with the cat food and all the while bitched about our boss, Dennis. The only thing I found hilarious really was that he says he calls our boss Denise. To his face. I laughed so hard. The rest of his ranting I generally agreed with, but it was just bitching and nothing funny or noteworthy, really.
Now I'm hungry. Supposedly, we will be going up to St. Joe here soon for the eating-ness, but I'm not sure when that'll be. Then tonight is the Royals game with my (now 5) fake cousins and my mom. That should be fun if I can stay awake. There's free catering too. Then we're hitting up the bars after the game and I will probably crash out as soon as I can convince them to leave. Like I said, one, maybe two in the morning, if I'm being optimistic. I think I'm gonna stop now though, cause I could keep going, but no one would ever read so much. :)
I'm sure I'll be back to update about the rest of my weekend after it's over. Monday or Tuesday maybe. Until then...
Songs to consider:
Alejandro (Lady GaGa)
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